@Beachygirl
I welcome you to the SS forum. You joined 24 minutes ago, Your first words to the forum were ".... I'm looking for a way out of life I have tried so many things but I'm still here and i really don't want to be...."
You have come to the right place, at exactly the right time in your life. Here there is no judgment of you, only acceptance. After you make 5 postings, and after 24 hours, you will have the capability of sending and receiving private messages, PMs. In the meantime, the forum is a fount of information for someone like you, like many of us. When you click on Forums you will see many threads you can read, including the Resources thread that will familiarize you with possible methods. At the same time you will see a Recovery site. Read all you wish and read the threads that interest you by their title. Settle in, and be with us. There is an enormous brain trust of experience and knowledge with our members, and you will find a community that welcomes you and where you can feel open to give and receive. After 24 hours, and 5 posts, you can reach out to any member, but I am sure you will find comfort, or at least, camaraderie, regarding the posts.