Help Wasted 70g of SN...Need help with ideas for other methods/ CTB journey/failed attempts

[deadngonehopeful]

So I guess I'll start off with saying I've been wanting to CTB for several years now. It all started with a manic epsiode I had, followed by a full year of debilitating depression, followed by another manic episode...and as a result I have pretty much lost everything. I had everything I pretty much every wanted but as a result of a mental illness I had no control over it is all now gone. I am now in a severely depressing, impossible, and suffocating situation with no way out. Anyways...

My first thought/attempts was to hang. I have a nice tall tree in my backyard with a perfect branch. I got the rope, tied the noose, got the chair, set up the whole thing etc etc. Except when I got to the final point of no return with the noose around my neck...I just couldn't do it. I tried again 3 or 4 more times but could never get myself to tip over the chair. I don't want to struggle or be in pain in my final moments. I thought that there had to be a better way. I did some research and learned about the inert gas/exit bag method.

I went to a hardware store, got a 75% Argon 25% CO2 canister(as this was the only inert gas available locally without having to get it shipped, or having to own a business), the hose, the regulator, the exit bag...all that. I attempted this method several times. First try, I pulled the bag over my head, and I am not sure if it's because the canister contained 25% CO2 but my SI kicked in and I pulled the bag off. Tried another time the same night, same result. Tried again the next night and the canister ran out of gas. As the canister was $200USD +$100USD for the other equipment I just thought I couldn't revist this route as I am not independently wealthy lol. I started scouring the internet for other methods and found this website. And learned about SN.

I was able to locate DMC through tips on this website. Ordered the SN and received it no problem. I already had the antiemetics because of my extensive mental health history haha. Sat on it for a month though, just waiting for the right moment. I learn that my parents(who I live with) will be going out of town for a week, so I thought that that would be the perfect moment. I follow the SN protocol verbatim, prepare 35g SN in 100mL water, got throat numbing spray, mouth wash and some hard candies for the taste after...

I bring the cup to my mouth, and for the life(or death) of me...cannot get myself to drink the cup. Even with the antiemetics and fasting, I feel as if I would throw up, as I do not have the strongest of stomachs and just feel like the extremely salty taste would just do me in. After fighting with myself for 2 hours, I pour the SN drink down the sink. I tell myself that I will do it the next night. This time I get a straw as I was hoping to use it to bypass my tongue/taste buds. Still followed protocol...still couldn't get myself to drink it. I guess I'm just scared of the taste/throwing up/ the 10-45minutesish in limbo between when you drink and pass out. I feel like if the SN could be in pill form somehow that would make it easier for me. But alas, I am now down to approximately 27g of SN left and want to save it in case of emergency or when shit really hits the fan.

That leads me to now. Parents come home in a few days, so I feel as if I have missed my opportunity. I guess I am posting just to share my story and ask your guys' opinions on other methods. I have looked into the CO method and it intrigues me but using charcoal versus a generator...just not sure about it all.

I am running out of options and tired of suffering. I hate when I wake up everyday. knowing I had it all and having to live with the failure and regret and pain...and knowing it won't get better, if anything it will only get worse. If anyone could assist me with new methods/ideas to CTB I would greatly appreciate it.

Thoughts/Comments/Questions?

Thank you

Do you still have some SN. I will buy it from you please. I can't do this anymore ever can't seem to get any. Plz respond if you have some I can buy

 

[Solaris1234]

My SI is definitely a bitch...

This is why I am considering CO method because you just heat charcoal or turn on a generator then lay down and from what I've read, if you do it right, you just pass out. Seems like a much more "passive" method I guess for a lack of a better term.

Just worried about not getting the right amount of CO emission, failing the attempt/waking up and causing permanent damage

Unfortunately this happened to me, I used enough but my SI kicked in and i woke up outside of my car. Now I keep having nightmares about hot and small spaces and burning coals. I felt so sick the next few days after and when I woke up everything was spinning. I'm lucky that I wasn't in car too long so I was able to clear out worst of it by breathing "room air." Probably should have gone to hospital but I was an EMT and all they do is give you 100 percent o2 or throw you in hyperbaric, and there is literature suggesting that isn't effective. Plus risk of psych ward. No thanks.

 

[Dongle]

As someone strugglebussing real hard to find a source after seemingly learning about SN a little too late for the bus catching Renaissance, big mood. With as much SN as you have left, I'd be finding it hard to not be tough or mean to myself about backing out.

Just please try not to be too hard on yourself about your SI, or because of your SI. You don't deserve that.

 

[NegevChina]

I went to a hardware store, got a 75% Argon 25% CO2 canister(as this was the only inert gas available locally without having to get it shipped, or having to own a business), the hose, the regulator, the exit bag...all that. I attempted this method several times. First try, I pulled the bag over my head, and I am not sure if it's because the canister contained 25% CO2 but my SI kicked in and I pulled the bag off. Tried another time the same night, same result. Tried again the next night and the canister ran out of gas. As the canister was $200USD +$100USD for the other equipment I just thought I couldn't revist this route as I am not independently wealthy lol. I started scouring the internet for other methods and found this website. And learned about SN.

The 25% CO2 in the mixture makes it unbreatheable and induces a panic reaction. It needs to be done with close to 100% inert gas.

 

[Big_Eal]

Because your SI is very strong, I think you should consider this combo an attempt that didn't result in death and count it as a suicide attempt.

What counts as a suicide attempt and what doesn't is somewhat arbitrary, but to me, if you had SN and tried to drink it and had everything prepared but SI stopped you, despite on some level wanting to end things, it counts as an attempt. I wouldn't consider it a parasuicidal gesture. You were very close to dying.

I would suggest giving yourself a break to relax and not think about suicide or try to attempt. Instead of looking at it as "I'm so frustrated I couldn't do this" see it for what it is: a very real attempt that really almost resulted in you dying. It's super stressful to go through an attempt, just like it's stressful to prepare for one or seek out one. It's easy to become frustrated with oneself after an attempt doesn't work out as expected, but the whole thing is so stressful, just find a way to relax, just accept life as being what it is, even if it's awful, for a while...

Do you have hobbies? Things you like? Anything you enjoy at all? Any urge to travel? I would take the idea of suicide, put it in a metaphorical box, give yourself a break and do things for a few months even if you are miserable and hate life, and if you still feel this way months from now, then you can open up the metaphorical box and come back to suicide. Attempts are exhausting and you'll still be able to attempt again, if you want, if you wait a few months.

im sorry but what is SI??

 

[lastch]

im sorry but what is SI??

Survival instinct

 

[Big_Eal]

Survival instinct

ohh thx , its hard to fight against it cause your mind and body is designed to survive , you need a lot of courage to achieve CTB

 

[bankai]

That's a bit sad. Quite a few people are struggling to get their hands on that stuff. I hope you overcome your survival instinct and go through with it eventually.