I've been suicidal since I was 9 years old. Man am I tired on being alive. I've tried to find distractions all my life to keep my attention away from the darkness that creeps and hangs in the shadows. Even when I have had the things that make me happy, I'm still suicidal. I know this is what I want. But those that love me make me feel guilty. My dad is Nigerian and told me he will not pray for me if I kill myself. He feels as though he's given me so much that I shouldn't be depressed. My mom begs me to stay yet does things that destroy my mind. My daughter hates me up close and loves me from a distance. I keep hearing that I'm hear to help people, which is ironic because I'm currently in school to be a nurse. Staying alive is taking the goodness in my heart and turning me bitter. I long to pull this trigger so bad. The 1st gun i purchased was a p365 XL. But it was taken when my family put me in the psych. That only made me buy a bigger better gun, a p320 with +p hollow tips. The guilt keeps me living in this loop. I'm fucking tired.
Hey. I hate you're going through such a rough time. I don't have any answers but I wanted you to know that people here understand if that matters much. The distractions only lasts and help so much and family while they're are our everything in essence or supposed to family doesn't hold us completely together or sometimes it doesn't help with finding a reason to see them as the reason to keep on living anymore. Anyway hope you can have a tolerable day and week if you can. Hugs.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 44,978
I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are desperate to leave. In my case, I know that I would be suicidal no matter what happened, I have never wanted to live. It sounds like a difficult situation you are in. I know that it is hard when you want to exit this world, yet you have others that you are leaving behind. We live in a society where suicide is so stigmatised and others do not respect our right to die. I wish you the best in whatever happens.
