Wanting to get better (but always wanting to get worse)

[Leve]

Anyone else have this? I know deep down I want to get better and live a 'happy' life, but I'm not so sure I even believe in that. I know I should be alive for the people in my life and be healthy for them, but self-destruction is all I really want to do. I simultaneously want to get better, but also want to get worse, keep cutting, remove myself more from people and dissociate more, and eventually ctb. I see myself as sort of in an in-between state. Anyone else relate to this? Any advice on how to solve this? I got sent to the hospital the other day and have some recommendations for doctors and therapists, I'm just procrastinating on picking one (or even researching them)

-Leve

 

[qwert3948]

i very much relate. i feel like i just want to stop feeling this way, but i'm too scared to make any choice about it.
i don't want to comit to getting better and get disapointed, but i'm not ready to kill myself either. i just stand on the pain i feel without doing anything significant about it and life just carries me on

 

[angelz08]

heavily relate. I'm not sure where the wanting to get worse part stems from for me but its very present and I feel odd bringing it up to professionals bc I feel like they won't get it.