LivingANDDying26
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,315
Like subconscious its on my mind so much. Im reading a book or smthin and I just can't fucking focus.
Honestly if drowning didn't both sound so fucking horrible and also like my survival instincts would push against ot the most. Then I'd definitely try. I used to think about hanging but I don't even have a stable place to do so. Would need to rent a hotel or somewhere else.
All that to say I wish there was easier methods. Quicker methods.
I'm semi revisiting gas again bc while rhe set up seems complicated if I plan it at the right point of my cycle success is more likely. Like lanning with the good times of my brain.
I dunno feeling pathetic bc I am getting desperate. When I read posts on here that have dates of like summer or fall I cringe inside. I can't do this life shit much longer.
Its a bullshit front that its ok. I'm not functioning and the help of self or outer supports to get there have been weared thin. There's not much beyond committing myself or going to live at some "residential treatment". Those are fucking bullshit and are not to actualy help. Maybe the select few but never for me. So. Im not doing that again.
Like im already miserable and drowning but at least it's in some fucked up autonomous way.
God I am so sick of living. Ig SN is the best course of action... I hate the timeline of it to work and tbh the taste and texture
sound so fucking gross but alas. Not many options. Very much regret not buying N. But I'm not going to continue to circle around wanting to die. I need out.
Even just trying to make things ok enough in the interim my brain is just fucked. Getting a certain medication will make my appetite non existent so I won't need to wprry about money and affording food as much. That's my motivation.
I think I'm just too fucked for any kinda redemption era. Not sure how or what it'd look like anyway.
Sighs. Just heavy heavy sighs. I'm not worried about missing anyone or anyone missing me. I don't believe it anymore. So that makes things easier ig.
Just one week till I can buy SN. God I just hope I can have a peaceful end... I've wanted to CTB for a long time but never quite gotten to this acceptance or calm with it. The feeling of relief might be enough that I am able to like do things I can't now but I won't be forcing anything bc it doesn't fucking matter. Im tired. Allowed to be and just over all of this. Over the pain of living. Over everything.
Well that's my morning rant. Hopefully can focus on distractions better. I dunno.
Honestly if drowning didn't both sound so fucking horrible and also like my survival instincts would push against ot the most. Then I'd definitely try. I used to think about hanging but I don't even have a stable place to do so. Would need to rent a hotel or somewhere else.
All that to say I wish there was easier methods. Quicker methods.
I'm semi revisiting gas again bc while rhe set up seems complicated if I plan it at the right point of my cycle success is more likely. Like lanning with the good times of my brain.
I dunno feeling pathetic bc I am getting desperate. When I read posts on here that have dates of like summer or fall I cringe inside. I can't do this life shit much longer.
Its a bullshit front that its ok. I'm not functioning and the help of self or outer supports to get there have been weared thin. There's not much beyond committing myself or going to live at some "residential treatment". Those are fucking bullshit and are not to actualy help. Maybe the select few but never for me. So. Im not doing that again.
Like im already miserable and drowning but at least it's in some fucked up autonomous way.
God I am so sick of living. Ig SN is the best course of action... I hate the timeline of it to work and tbh the taste and texture
sound so fucking gross but alas. Not many options. Very much regret not buying N. But I'm not going to continue to circle around wanting to die. I need out. Even just trying to make things ok enough in the interim my brain is just fucked. Getting a certain medication will make my appetite non existent so I won't need to wprry about money and affording food as much. That's my motivation.
I think I'm just too fucked for any kinda redemption era. Not sure how or what it'd look like anyway.
Sighs. Just heavy heavy sighs. I'm not worried about missing anyone or anyone missing me. I don't believe it anymore. So that makes things easier ig.
Just one week till I can buy SN. God I just hope I can have a peaceful end... I've wanted to CTB for a long time but never quite gotten to this acceptance or calm with it. The feeling of relief might be enough that I am able to like do things I can't now but I won't be forcing anything bc it doesn't fucking matter. Im tired. Allowed to be and just over all of this. Over the pain of living. Over everything.
Well that's my morning rant. Hopefully can focus on distractions better. I dunno.
