Venting Wanting to ctb due to chronic pain

[Starryeyes]

I'm wanting to ctb due to chronic pain in my back. And trying to live with both pain physically and mentally ( bpd anxiety depression)

I feel like the people around me don't take it seriously due to the fact you can't actually 'see' either. I'm sure I'd get more sympathy if my legs were snapped in half. But the pain has got too much and my GP won't refer me to a skeletal specialist or a pain clinic. I told her last week that I'm suicidal because of the pain and the response I got was ' oh well I'm not allowed to refer you for a MRI due to covid' which is absolute nonsense. I'm pretty sure my spinal cord is being compressed as I get numbness and then pins and needles in my arms and my vision gets blurry / black / stars.

When I write my goodbye notes I'll including one that I feel that this contributed to my decision massively and I was failed by the health care system.

I want to die so bad. Crying myself to sleep at night because I'll be leaving some really important people behind in the wake of it. But I can't be expected to live like this. If I was a dog I would be put to sleep.

 

[whywere]

WOW!! What country do you live in? Here in the Midwest of the U.S., my pain doctor is always setting me up for another MRI. I to have 24/7 chronic pain and I am so sorry for your situation.

I 100% KNOW what it is like. I at least get hydromorphone from my pain doctor, and it somewhat helps keep it at bay.

I am not on 100% of the time, BUT pm me if you would like to. We can always compare how each other is doing.

My best to you, my fellow chronic pain sufferer,

Walter

 

[littlelungs]

God, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's unfortunately not at all uncommon for people who deal with chronic illness and pain to get completely fucked over by other people and the system at large. I've got my own long list of chronic issues and severe pain (both physical and mental), so while I can't say that I know exactly how you feel (simply because I'm not you), I definitely understand that constant feeling of resentment over being ignored, mistreated and left to rot for so many years, as well as that overwhelming feeling of sheer desperation and just wanting to finally be free of all of this torture that comes with merely existing. Life is brutal. I seriously feel for you and I'm sending you internet hugs, for whatever it's worth.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be horrible being trapped in this human body, it can torture us. I'm sorry you have to go through this, no one should have to suffer like that. It is understandable wanting to exit when there is constant pain. Of course people can only understand if they have experienced it themselves, just because it is invisible to them, doesn't mean it isn't real. I wish you the best, I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[bed]

Took me a few years for my dr to eventually send me to a pain clinic, it was hell. If your dr is unwilling to try and treat you, you could buy gabapentin or pregabalin online since they help with nerve pain. It's not a fix, but it may be better than nothing.

Sorry dr's are so shitty everywhere it seems.

 

[TriggerHappy]

I'm so sorry to learn this.
Pain is the one thing that scares me. Pain from withdrawal causes me to get up to crazy stuff to keep using. It becomes insanity. Quality of life deteriorates immensely, I know. I'm a declared addict at local clinic so when I go in (animal bites, motorcycle slides, boyfriends etc) im not given pain meds. In fact they treat me like shit, like I crashed on purpose to manipulate pain meds... fuck em.
I understand :: there are kinda effective pain meditations online, and pathworkings. Pain makes me so anxious im uselessly restless and a raging insomniac. Have u ever thought of acupuncture? I messed my knees up in a snowboarding accident and wasn't keen to go 4 surgery, so they did coal acupuncture (on my ears also, its wierd) but it fucking worked.
I'm thinking of you.
☆ We will miss you, but are respectful of your choices...

 

[Starryeyes]

WOW!! What country do you live in? Here in the Midwest of the U.S., my pain doctor is always setting me up for another MRI. I to have 24/7 chronic pain and I am so sorry for your situation.

I 100% KNOW what it is like. I at least get hydromorphone from my pain doctor, and it somewhat helps keep it at bay.

I am not on 100% of the time, BUT pm me if you would like to. We can always compare how each other is doing.

My best to you, my fellow chronic pain sufferer,

Walter

I'm from the U.K. thank you Walter, I'll message you in a mo.

God, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's unfortunately not at all uncommon for people who deal with chronic illness and pain to get completely fucked over by other people and the system at large. I've got my own long list of chronic issues and severe pain (both physical and mental), so while I can't say that I know exactly how you feel (simply because I'm not you), I definitely understand that constant feeling of resentment over being ignored, mistreated and left to rot for so many years, as well as that overwhelming feeling of sheer desperation and just wanting to finally be free of all of this torture that comes with merely existing. Life is brutal. I seriously feel for you and I'm sending you internet hugs, for whatever it's worth.

I'm really sorry that you also suffer with pain. It's so depressing. I do feel resentment over it as I know my doctor is shunning me because I have mental health problems the pain must be made up. Thank you , hugs to you also

It can be horrible being trapped in this human body, it can torture us. I'm sorry you have to go through this, no one should have to suffer like that. It is understandable wanting to exit when there is constant pain. Of course people can only understand if they have experienced it themselves, just because it is invisible to them, doesn't mean it isn't real. I wish you the best, I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

I'm having therapy at the moment I'm on my second week and she's already tried to imply my pain is from my mental health which is nothing short of horse manure. When I bend down my eyes black out. Thank you for your best wishes. And I'll certainly be free of this , someday soon I hope

Took me a few years for my dr to eventually send me to a pain clinic, it was hell. If your dr is unwilling to try and treat you, you could buy gabapentin or pregabalin online since they help with nerve pain. It's not a fix, but it may be better than nothing.

Sorry dr's are so shitty everywhere it seems.

That sucks! Iv being seeing my doctor for several years with my neck pain, Iv had an X-ray and that's it. I need an mri scan but I can't afford one. I'm on 150mg pregabalin nightly and it sometimes takes the edge off but most days I'm still in agony

I'm so sorry to learn this.
Pain is the one thing that scares me. Pain from withdrawal causes me to get up to crazy stuff to keep using. It becomes insanity. Quality of life deteriorates immensely, I know. I'm a declared addict at local clinic so when I go in (animal bites, motorcycle slides, boyfriends etc) im not given pain meds. In fact they treat me like shit, like I crashed on purpose to manipulate pain meds... fuck em.
I understand :: there are kinda effective pain meditations online, and pathworkings. Pain makes me so anxious im uselessly restless and a raging insomniac. Have u ever thought of acupuncture? I messed my knees up in a snowboarding accident and wasn't keen to go 4 surgery, so they did coal acupuncture (on my ears also, its wierd) but it fucking worked.
I'm thinking of you.
☆ We will miss you, but are respectful of your choices...

I can understand how you feel with them acting like your trying to manipulate meds. I got morphine off the dark web , plus tried tramadol from a friend neither of those made any difference. I had acupuncture from a chiropractor, I couldn't tell if it was that , that actually temporality Elevated the pain or the adjustment. Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot

 

[sanguineblade]

I really really cant express how sad i feel about people with health problems!
This is so unfair
I understand you from the bottom of my heart Sue
And yea, what people dont see they dont understand it
I wish i was chopped in half like u said too
My health issues arent visible either and they think like im faking it

It's disheartening when you're suffering in pain and others can't see/feel it...
I dont know what to say
:(

 

[bed]

ah yeah pregab and gabapentin i had to keep upping my dose. Could look into kratom if you haven't already, it helps some people. It is an opiate though if that is concerning to you.

 

[Starryeyes]

I really really cant express how sad i feel about people with health problems!
This is so unfair
I understand you from the bottom of my heart Sue
And yea, what people dont see they dont understand it
I wish i was chopped in half like u said too
My health issues arent visible either and they think like im faking it

It's disheartening when you're suffering in pain and others can't see/feel it...
I dont know what to say
:(

I'm so sorry to hear you also suffer from non visible Health issues and you also aren't believed. I was kind of ok walking around with my mental health but when I started to get pain is when I decided it's too much for me to want to stay

ah yeah pregab and gabapentin i had to keep upping my dose. Could look into kratom if you haven't already, it helps some people. It is an opiate though if that is concerning to you.

I just had a look at that is illegal here in the U.K. my doctor won't prescribe me opiates as I have a ' addictive personality' or some shit like that on my records. I would love to be able to try F. I think I'd love it haha

 

[BlazingBob]

Yes, I want to ctb because of a neurological condition that's unmanageable. I can't work anymore and I'm semi homeless. I'm stuck in a very abusive situation. Zero quality of life. Nothing to look forward to. No kids, spouse, and completely fragmented family of origin. Ruined financially. I'm 49. Daily despair. I'm too exhausted to even make it to the bus stop.

 

[Grumpy Bear]

I'm also going to CTB because of chronic pain. I hate doctors. I hate the system. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish chronic pain on my worst enemy.

 

[bed]

I just had a look at that is illegal here in the U.K. my doctor won't prescribe me opiates as I have a ' addictive personality' or some shit like that on my records. I would love to be able to try F. I think I'd love it haha

i've known a few people that have bought kratom online in the UK even with the ban. I don't think it matters much, at most you'd get your package seized but the likelihood of that happening is very low especially if you order domestic.

 

[Wrennie]

I'm wanting to ctb due to chronic pain in my back. And trying to live with both pain physically and mentally ( bpd anxiety depression)

I feel like the people around me don't take it seriously due to the fact you can't actually 'see' either. I'm sure I'd get more sympathy if my legs were snapped in half. But the pain has got too much and my GP won't refer me to a skeletal specialist or a pain clinic. I told her last week that I'm suicidal because of the pain and the response I got was ' oh well I'm not allowed to refer you for a MRI due to covid' which is absolute nonsense. I'm pretty sure my spinal cord is being compressed as I get numbness and then pins and needles in my arms and my vision gets blurry / black / stars.

When I write my goodbye notes I'll including one that I feel that this contributed to my decision massively and I was failed by the health care system.

I want to die so bad. Crying myself to sleep at night because I'll be leaving some really important people behind in the wake of it. But I can't be expected to live like this. If I was a dog I would be put to sleep.

Your situation sounds similar to mine (albeit not exactly the same). I too was failed by the healthcare system. My parent's companies switched coverage to Cigna and it wouldn't cover my IVIG for my progressive neurological disease and I went from being able to function "reasonably enough" to "downright bedridden" with proprioception 100% gone, vision glitches, and uncontrolled shaking and spasms in my extremities. Now I'm in a wheelchair and too weak to move it on my own, so I have to be pushed by someone whenever I'm in public.