Wanting to CTB but not die any other way

[Professor K]

Regarding only my self, I don't care if I die, no matter how, even if it is really painful, though it is not what i would prefer.
But there's one thing I think about which annoys me...

What annoys me with the thought of dying if a disease, an accident or a murder is that people around me will act like it is a tragedy as if I didn't want to die.
Only CTB, as I am the one taking my own life, can make me disappear and let those around me know that it is not tragic and that it is what I wanted for a long time.

I hate the thought of traumatising people because of CTB when out of all the death, this is the only one where I can write a letter, let something behind to say that it was rational as much as they think they could've fixed me or that it was a reckless decision that had been taken under the influence of whatever mental illness they might invent and apply to me.

I guess even if I try to explain myself in a 2000 pages long letter, no one will listen because it doesn't allign with their beliefs. I guess it'll not be my problem by the time I'll be deceased.

 

[SMK1444]

I feel the same way, I thought it was just me. Though it would probably be easier for family members to stomach and cope with a freak accident or natural death rather than taking my own life yk? Suicide just has a bad name to it

 

[Professor K]

it would probably be easier for family members to stomach and cope with a freak accident or natural death rather than taking my own life yk? Suicide just has a bad name to it

Yes, natural death at an old age is no surprise.
Somehow suicide could've been prevented, I think that's why it has such a bad name to it. Because then people will feel guilty or will blame each other, find a person responsable for it.
I'm not sure but I think that to them suicide is like an accident but caused by a person and therefore is inherently irrational and influenced.

 

[SMK1444]

Yes, natural death at an old age is no surprise.
Somehow suicide could've been prevented, I think that's why it has such a bad name to it. Because then people will feel guilty or will blame each other, find a person responsable for it.
I'm not sure but I think that to them suicide is like an accident but caused by a person and therefore is inherently irrational and influenced.

That's a good way of explaining it actually

 

[bedhead_baby]

I feel the same. I don't want people to be sad that I'm gone and think it wasn't what I already wanted.

It's also the only thing I can really control. I feel sick all the time, and emotions are pulled in every direction. I don't know who I am. But I can make that decision to end it, and that makes me feel some semblance of normalcy. I am me, I control me, and I can end me.

Though I do fantasize about accidents and natural death, it's only because death is always on my mind. They make me feel completely different from the suicides I vividly imagine.

 

[enough of this]

Regarding only my self, I don't care if I die, no matter how, even if it is really painful, though it is not what i would prefer.
But there's one thing I think about which annoys me...

What annoys me with the thought of dying if a disease, an accident or a murder is that people around me will act like it is a tragedy as if I didn't want to die.
Only CTB, as I am the one taking my own life, can make me disappear and let those around me know that it is not tragic and that it is what I wanted for a long time.

I hate the thought of traumatising people because of CTB when out of all the death, this is the only one where I can write a letter, let something behind to say that it was rational as much as they think they could've fixed me or that it was a reckless decision that had been taken under the influence of whatever mental illness they might invent and apply to me.

I guess even if I try to explain myself in a 2000 pages long letter, no one will listen because it doesn't allign with their beliefs. I guess it'll not be my problem by the time I'll be deceased.

I can so identify with, "I guess even if I try to explain myself in a 2000 pages long letter, no one will listen because it doesn't allign with their beliefs." People always want you to do what's good for THEM, not you.

Like you, I want to leave via my own hand, not through the actions of someone else. I also don't want it to be painful. Dying in my sleep would be a wonderful way to leave.

I hope your day is going well.

 

[Professor K]

I feel the same. I don't want people to be sad that I'm gone and think it wasn't what I already wanted.

It's also the only thing I can really control. I feel sick all the time, and emotions are pulled in every direction. I don't know who I am. But I can make that decision to end it, and that makes me feel some semblance of normalcy. I am me, I control me, and I can end me.

Though I do fantasize about accidents and natural death, it's only because death is always on my mind. They make me feel completely different from the suicides I vividly imagine.

I can relate to this feeling of control. Planning every detail of your death is also reassuring in a way:
-you're not scared of death anymore since you are death in a way
-you know when, where, how and why you'll die

Someone or something else killing you is outside of your control and is unexpected, it can occur anytime and anywhere which can be frightening.
But I think it is only frightening as we are anticipating it. The day it happens we'd either not have time to think about it or we'd just accept it.