CrazyMary
Student
- Sep 20, 2020
- 135
For a bout a year I have been recovering. Suicidal thoughts had vanished. Always in the back burner but not so constant. I got back with my ex last may (Huuge mistake, broke up in march again). Lately little by little I have seen anger creeping back in. Anger for being alive, for living in a world that I consider it´s getting worse every day and a shitty third wold country that only seems to get more into a hell hole daily. Angry for not being able to get any job project of the ground. Angry at failing at a relationship again. Angry at seeing that most of the prospects want to have kids which is an extreme no go for me. Anyway you get the idea, last Sunday I got Covid, the disease wasn´t that bad but the last few days I have been in an awful mood. Extremely angry and thinking about CTB again. It is a differerent way. Before I was depressed and anxious and extremely afraid of the future. Right now I don´t know if I am depressed, I don´t know if I am afraid. I feel more like I don´t give a f"ck about anything anymore. Like I am bored. Like I have arrived to the party and it was fun while it lasted but now I am in the middle age and don´t really care. Don´t care about finding a new partner, don´t care about working and honestly would be happy if a dr told me u have just 6 months to leave. That would save me a bullet or an elevator ride.
It is a different kind of desire to kill myself. I would say more mature and more grounded. More realistic, thought through. My shrink says it might be kind of normal as I can´t really handle frustration and right now due to covid and not being able to get out it just triggered the same situation of fear, anger, etc I had before. Also not socializing and not doing excercise (which helped a lot) might have also affected my mood. But I am not sure.
Anyway, sorry to bore you. Has anyone felt the same "mature" desire to die? Has anyone felt different mentally while they got Covid?
It is a different kind of desire to kill myself. I would say more mature and more grounded. More realistic, thought through. My shrink says it might be kind of normal as I can´t really handle frustration and right now due to covid and not being able to get out it just triggered the same situation of fear, anger, etc I had before. Also not socializing and not doing excercise (which helped a lot) might have also affected my mood. But I am not sure.
Anyway, sorry to bore you. Has anyone felt the same "mature" desire to die? Has anyone felt different mentally while they got Covid?