Discussion Wanting it enough

[nerve]

Maybe this is just me but once people have run out of ideas for how to help or what to do, they say something like "you have to want to get better." It used to piss me off but it's not like they're wrong. I think I want to get better and I feel like I want to too, but maybe there's more to it than that. Or I just don't want it enough. It's hard to tell.

When I look for motivation or what helped other people, a lot of them say stuff like they have kids who need them or they know God wants them to keep trying or they don't want to end up like their mother or they really want to have kids or they love their friends or they want to fight for a cause or really any reason to keep going when it seems pointless.

A lot of us probably don't have very many reasons to keep fighting. If I think about it, reducing pain is one of the biggest reasons I have for wanting to get better and suicide is like objectively much better at that.

If someone just doesn't want it enough, where do they go from there? Whenever it gets too hard, I run away with my tail between my legs because it hurts so much and hasn't amounted to anything so far. Therapist tells me to look within myself and dig deeper, but the more I do the more it seems like suicide is the better option for me. I just don't care enough to fight this.

This is so confusing :(

 

[attell2]

I'm there, you described it perfectly. I've tried moving on from that state to actively searching for reason/purpose/whatever. There are times that I thought I found it and felt remarkably different, like my old self, like my brain had switched back on, however briefly. But even when I was energetic in the past, my purpose had turned out to be an illusion anyway. Maybe that broke me. Some naivete/stupid hope is probably key here.

 

[nonamegirl]

This post really reasonates with me. I have expressed to a therapist when she hinted that maybe some part of me don't want to get better (even though it's kinda shitty saying that, she expressed it in an okay way), and I told her: I feel I reaaaalllly want to want to get better, I wish that it was an honest wish from deep within me, but some part of me just don't seem to want to, no matter how much I feel I want it.......for me it's also because completely rationally thinking, I really do believe death/suicide is the best option in my case........and that belief is so deeply integrated in me. I'm not religious, but I feel that's the only thing I can compare it to. you don't just change a religious view. you either believe or you don't. you either think suicide is totally okay and the better option sometimes or you think suicide is never an option.

I wish I could genetic de-code myself somehow. That's the only way I'll see myself changing

 

[a.n.kirillov]

This is how I feel as well, I'm merely grabbing at straws nowadays. Staying alive for a book, for using up the potatoes I bought, because It's my turn to clean the stairwell next week; silly things really. No long term motivation, no desires, no hopes, no dreams.



one of the biggest reasons I have for wanting to get better and suicide is like objectively much better at that.

It is and it isn't, right? The pain stops, but everything else stops with it. No relief if there's no one to feel relieved.

 

[nonamegirl]

This is how I feel as well, I'm merely grabbing at straws nowadays. Staying alive for a book, for using up the potatoes I bought, because It's my turn to clean the stairwell next week; silly things really. No long term motivation, no desires, no hopes, no dreams.



one of the biggest reasons I have for wanting to get better and suicide is like objectively much better at that.

It is and it isn't, right? The pain stops, but everything else stops with it. No relief if there's no one to feel relieved.

Yeah, that's the really f***** up part. No matter if we choose life or death we don't get relief, cause relief is a feeling and can not be felt once were dead. Even if we just decide to wait it out and let natural death come to us, it won't bring us true relief. Just nothingness. I try not to think to much about it though, cause its one of those realisations that make me feel like going bat-shit crazy throwing myself on the floor in complete hysterics and never stop.

Still I'd rather just be free from it all.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Therapist tells me to look within myself and dig deeper, but the more I do the more it seems like suicide is the better option for me. I just don't care enough to fight this.

Same here I am currently supposed to taper off benzodiazepines while I drink too much and can´t break the cycle because the deeper I look into it the more suicide makes sense I have looked into my future and the plan is for my psychiatrist and social worker to get off benzoes and work on my throat problem so I can finish a meal in a 20 minute launch break so I can eventually work but I don´t want to slave my life away while still suffering from a dozen physical and mental problems and because of apathy I enjoy nothing, everything is boring, mundane and dull so why would I go through anxiety and withdrawals to achieve a boring life of suffering? If there was a goal or dream I had then there would be a reward for this temporarily pain from withdrawals but since I am going to kill myself anyways why would I go through even more suffering just to ctb?

Unfortunately I can´t tell my psychiatrist this because of obvious reasons because she probably think I am like other people who are just sloppy and want quit their addictions but I´m not if I was 20 years old again I could easily taper off because I still tried to improve my life and had hopes and dreams but I don´t now so I just need to muster the courage to ctb soon because there is only pain and suffering in the future for me and I don´t want to get off benzos just for the sake of it when I most likely will ctb soon after anyways, trust me my suicide is not spontaneous I have thought about it for a long time and typed it down on paper with pro´s and cons and all that and suicide is my only option.