Want to CTB tomorrow advice on method?

[rinkachan]

Hi everyone. Over the years chronic illnesses I can't even get diagnosed in the country I live in have slowly destroyed my life. If I could get back to my country it might have been better but that's impossible now. I have a massive stockpile of Bennies, Xannies, this pill for nerve pain that the last time I looked it up is a huge risk to cause your stomach to actually rupture, an opiod+tendinits pain pill for my illnesses, topamax, and access to a ton of alcohol. Illness has ruined my life, my marriage, (we agreed to separate years ago and that at most we are best friends), taken away my hopes and dreams, my chances to go back to my country, health, I live in excruciating pain and a ton of other symptoms every day. It's so bad Dignitas approved me, but doctors here won't write the letters I need and my husband won't pay for the money needed for it, and I'm too sick to work. That just means I need to do it myself.

The question is whether to swallow it all and then tape several layers of plastic bags around my head, or attempt a partial suspension? I've attempted the second one several times but it just never seems to work. I've looked at the threads on here and while I think I finally found a good anchor point, (Japanese houses seem to be built in mind to have low door knobs to avoid these situations, probably because they are the second or third highest rate country in the world), using the metal door latch at the top of the door. I'm a pretty small woman, so my biggest issue is finding something tall enough to tie one of my husband's neckties to it.

I've attempted to CTB with ODs and was nearly successful twice before, so it's a little funny my doctor is still more than happy to prescribe me a ton of medication, and isn't that concerned. He just sort of shrugs and says it's a no-no, don't do that, would I feel better if I stayed in-patient for awhile, and then tells my husband he feels sorry for him.

Is there a better way than suffocation or partial suspension? I don't have somewhere to jump from and if you jump in front of a train line in Asia they bill your family for the disruption to any train lines and for clean up. We don't have a lot of money thanks to my medical bills and he will already have enough money to pay with my cremation costs. Could I even combine taping bags around my head while doing partial suspension after I took the pills, and swallowed them down with alcohol? I'm desperate. So very desperate. I will do anything.

 

[NegevChina]

So sorry for how you feel and where life brought you. CTB needs planning in order to succeed and one day is a very short notice. Any quick decision is most likely going to fail. You can read about it here
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. There's the Suicide Resource Compilation.

 

[CatLvr]

My gosh, that sounds so awful. There is nothing worse than feeling cornered and out of options. It is also the time where we tend to make our worst mistakes. Know that we are all here for you. I realize you want to go, and especially understand you wanting to go because of your unrelenting physical pain (as if the mental pain in and itself isn't bad enough), but please make sure you have everything you need to maximize your chances of not failing -- whether that means knowledge about the method you've chosen, medications/drugs/ poisons/rope/secure place to attach said ropes/etc.

I wish you peace no matter what you decide going ahead, and how things work out.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I hope that you find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. I hope you can find the peace you need one day

 

[rinkachan]

Thank you, everyone. I suppose I'll put things off for a week a do a bit more research. I can't fail again. I've been stockpiling medication for a while and I don't want to waste it. It's not extremely difficult to get my doctor to change or add prescriptions, it's just that I have to wait a month between appointments and that means another month of suffering daily horrible pain. Colder months are always worse too, and it's winter now. There have been days I've had to lie in bed at home alone unable to move, actually screaming and crying in pain. There isn't any cure and my doctor has said literally the only option left is in patient at a hospital setting on opioids. I don't want to live like a science experiment hooked up to tubes and wires every single day. I want to be back in MY country. Not cut off from my friends.

Any time I brought it up to my husband the fights can even turn violent. Usually just yelling and stuff, so don't worry too much about it. It's mostly my fault because I blame him too much when I know me being sick is the cause of 80% of our problems. I wish I had taken my government's option to be flown out for free during Fukushima, for free, but oh well. I'll go research now.

Thank you so much for everyone's kindness and compassion. I just want to do this. My left arm is already in so much pain and so weak it's hard to use. I have gastroparesis so my stomach and intestines have a hard time absorbing nutrients and working well. My body is attacking itself and slowly, painfully attacking its own organ systems. I'll die, eventually, but it won't be quick, or with any sort of dignity at all. I want this to be on my own terms while I still have some control and say left. If any of that makes sense? I don't want to linger and wait around in agony, physically and mentally, for anyone else's sake. I'm truly not enjoying being here at all. I used to be this embarrassingly MASSIVE BTS ARMY and enjoyed some anime and games. Now I feel just numb. There's nothing inside of me. My husband claims I'm selfish as hell. Am I?

My gosh, that sounds so awful. There is nothing worse than feeling cornered and out of options. It is also the time where we tend to make our worst mistakes. Know that we are all here for you. I realize you want to go, and especially understand you wanting to go because of your unrelenting physical pain (as if the mental pain in and itself isn't bad enough), but please make sure you have everything you need to maximize your chances of not failing -- whether that means knowledge about the method you've chosen, medications/drugs/ poisons/rope/secure place to attach said ropes/etc.

I wish you peace no matter what you decide going ahead, and how things work out.

Just wanted to say I love your name. My best friend here was my cat. She passed away last year. I miss her so much. Cats are my favorite animal. Sometimes I go watch cat videos or look at cats for comfort. They are amazing.

 

[CatLvr]

No, you are absolutely NOT being selfish. Being selfish is expecting someone to stay on this side no matter how much pain they are in or how poor their quality of life is when they have no hope of improving. THAT is selfish.

 

[NegevChina]

There's nothing inside of me. My husband claims I'm selfish as hell. Am I?

I don't think you are selfish at all! I can so much understand you because people in my family don't understand my suffering and why I cant work. Ive reached a point im feeling empty. Almost nothing to give any body. Every human reaches a point he must take care of himself because he can not function any more. When oxygen masks are released in an air plane the first thing you do is put the mask on your self before helping any one else and that is not selfishness.

 

[rinkachan]

Today I researched a method I was considering using: our stove runs on gas burners. I was hoping to tape up the doors, windows, etc, or even us a tube and plastic bag to rig a hood method, while unplugging our automatic carbon monoxide monitor. I don't think it will work for me as the way I understood it, (please correct me if I'm wrong), but it binds to oxygen carry red blood cells and hemoglobin? Or was that the SN method?

Both don't seem like they will work for me because the illnesses I have actually started attacking my blood a few years ago, causing SEVERE anemia. My red blood cells have shrunk down in size and my hemoglobin levels have dropped. It's not an exaggeration to say my body systems and auto omicron nervous system is indeed slowly shutting down, it's just taking for goddamn ever and it's taking my joy, my passion, my dignity, my everything with it. It's to the point feeding tubes and fecal bags are being discussed, oxygen tanks, full time wheelchair in a country where it's mostly train stations and sidewalks, taxis cost a fortune and many don't have a place to put a wheelchair, and most of the train stations don't have elevators or even escalators: just steep staircases so you have to have 5-6 train station staff figure out how to carry you up and down stairs without dropping you. Buildings and restaurants are not required to have disability ramps. Disabled people are expected to shut up, stay quiet, and stay at home, out of sight and out of mind.

What job COULD I do? What CAN I contribute to society, even if I wasn't exhausted, in pain, randomly fainting, or dealing with brain fog, or just generally depressed and anxious all the time? It's why my husband's work and my doctor both tell him to just go ahead and lock me up full time in a hospital setting already. But with what money?! And who the hell says I want that?

So with the idea of an exit bag and/or carbon monoxide out which had been my very first go to idea years ago, as it seems my body just won't naturally work with it, I'm back to partial suspension and/or medication with a bag taped over my head I think. Drowning had actually sounded not too bad but there isn't any water nearby that I could get to, or I'd take my medication, with some alcohol and fill my pockets with rocks and go for a swim while I waited for it all to kick in.

What would anyone else suggest if they had limited mobility and almost no funds, in my situation? What would be your ideal way/dream way to go?

 

[NegevChina]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I really understand you.
Regarding CO poisioning its true it binds to your blood and denies oxygen from binding to the blood. I think SN works the same but ingested through the stomach instead of your lungs. And there fore causes unpainful death. as long as your blood can carry oxygen, i think it will also bind to these substances. These 2 methods are considered peaceful deaths but are very hard to do. For CO method you need at least 7500PPM CO in the room for 20 minutes and SN is difficult to source and needs more stuff like Anti Emetics. I think your burner method is very unreliable, there is no indication it releases CO to the room, even if it does than many hours may be required to achieve a high CO PPM count, that makes it likely some one will find you and save you, and damage may be caused to you and make your situation worse.
I'm sorry no one can advise you of a method to choose, Its against the rules. I'm struggling my self with the same questions. I have more options then you because i am not disabled yet and still cant mange to choose a method.
I've been reading the Suicide Recourse Compilation https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/
I've been considering drowning myself but its a very painful and unreliable method.
I've also considered CO by burning charcoals in a grill inside my car but its also not reliable because its hard to maintain high CO PPM for a long enough time and seal the car well. Some people mange to successfully use this method in a small sealed room, but i don't have such a room at home.
I've Considered train and jumping. OD of medication is very unreliable and likely leave you suffering more for weeks.
Sorry I can not do much for you, it really seems you are in pain and suffering. What ever you do I wish you to find your peace.

 

[rinkachan]

I have about a six hour window of time, Monday through Friday, every day, to do it, unless it's a national Japanese holiday. So as long as whatever method I use can be set up and accomplished in that time, it's fine. Otherwise I have to wait for him to go on one of his very rare overnight trips, which he is super hesitant to go on because I have several failed attempts with ODs and also he knows I was to do it and was even approved by Dignitas.

I'm considering chlorine gas, but the one time I almost accidentally did this I had to run out of the run out of the room because it was so painful: si kicked in and it was just awful. I coughed so hard I threw up. It would work, I suppose, but would need to be on the verge of being out levels of sedated prior to mixing. I suppose it's why people usually do it in sealed rooms/locked tight houses/locked up and sealed cars. You mix various household cleaning products and there you go. Almost always fatal and so toxic people usually have to hang notices for police that arrive on the scene so the police don't accidentally get harmed. But again, it would take longer with me as it binds to oxygen receptors in cells I think.

Yes, we have the sliding room panels in our apartment and the one small room we do have has a balconied window, and I don't know how I'd seal that up well enough. I live on the 4th floor so not high enough to jump and there's a prevention barrier under my floor specifically and zero roof top access.

I've attempted the blade along with one of my ODs but it just left me with a scar and a lot of cleanup. Can't recommend it, for anyone that reads this. I very much DO NOT recommend that method and anyone who does manage it is both lucky and tougher than me. I have that extra tendon in your wrist, (lucky me, I guess), as well, that hides the artery.

Partial it is then, I guess. With or without the bag. Medications to try to both knock me out and screw me up enough to hurry things along. I'll just read as many guides as I can to make sure I can get it right this time, finally. I suppose if I stop taking my Xannies and Bennies, start stockpiling again, and ask for a prescription sleep aid again, I can put everything off from my doctor? He might prescribe Rohypnol. It's legal here as I've had several friends on it who used to swear by it for sleep.