Want to CTB but lack courage?

[couragetodie]

Anyone else out there want to ctb but lack the courage? What a living hell...

 

[Dor]

I don't know yet, not gone far enough to know yet, but maybe when I put the noose around my neck I'll lose the courage, who knows.

 

[angie]

Anyone else out there want to ctb but lack the courage? What a living hell...

yes i want to go asap but cant drum up the courage .
scared to take the anti emetics in case of side effects and scared i cant drink 200mls of N .
my head wants to do it every minute of every day but i am not brave enough in case i cant manage to drink all the stuff .
if it was just a couple pills to take i wouldnt hesitate at all to take them .
but all these anti emetic .in one go and then drinking 200mls is a lot .

 

[21Neberg]

Overcoming your survival instinct is one of the hardest things to do. I've read that alcohol makes it easier, though I am unsure if you're supposed to drink alcohol when trying to CTB by N.
You could try to trick your brain, by telling yourself that you'll drink the glass in 5 seconds, and then start counting down from 5 to 4 to 3 to... and then drink it early at 2.

 

[suffering]

Same here..

 

[NoReasonToLive]

Anyone else out there want to ctb but lack the courage? What a living hell...

Yes me... I already stood on a bridge, which was high enough for CTBing, but I couldn't jump...

 

[Ch92921]

survival instinct ~ courage???

 

[Ch92921]

It does take courage to overcome it yes. I don't mean some macho idea of "John Wayne" bullshit courage. But just the mental power to push past fear and anxiety etc. It's not cowardly or weak to not be able to or to have to fight it...its VERY human. Lots of people here are very hard on themselves...say they suck, are worthless, are cowards etc...its never true. That's the pain being turned internally. Normal human ideas of brave,strong,weak,cowardly are pretty useless here because this is a whole different ballgame.

aha

 

[Dor]

I don't know yet, not gone far enough to know yet, but maybe when I put the noose around my neck I'll lose the courage, who knows.

I just forgot I once "tried" to do it... But it was half assed and with ssri's, then I revealed that I had OD:ed, so don't really count it as an serious attempt. And it was over 10 years ago.

Besides with a noose around my neck there won't be any going back

 

[bigj75]

Understand that you need to find a way. It's unfortunate you may not have the courage but you can get it or at least try to get it by drugs or alcohol. Do whatever it takes short of harming others. I'm serious! Drugs tend to have a automatic negative connotation but people for years have been using drugs in a positive way to help them with getting shit done.
For example there was a guy who took heroin on his lunch break at work every day. He was never late to work and never went overboard with it to where it ruined his life. He used it to better his life and the company he worked for. So my point is you might want to take some drugs and alcohol to help overcome your survival instinct when you decide to ctb.

 

[throwaway777]

iwannadiesobad but im scared of failing

 

[ReadyasEver]

Every couple of days, I go through my preparations, review my method and materials. The more I do this, the more comfortable I become with the plan and execution. Familiarity, for me, makes the next steps easier because I have removed the doubt.
I'm sure the anxiety will build, but we are all human. Everyone is different.

 

[couragetodie]

These are all great replies and thanks to all of you. I'm not against influencing myself with drugs and alcohol but I worry I would likely just bail out due to that very influence. SI is so strange — what is the point of this life? Why are we here and why are we programmed to live? PS - The only time these days I don't think constantly about CTB is when I am high on weed.

 

[friendly99]

I have been wanting to ctb for years but I just lack the courage

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

I have the courage to commit to it and start with a happy and peaceful heart.. then somewhere along the line the panic kicks in. All I know is that I have to keep trying. It's the only way to be free.

 

[couragetodie]

I have been wanting to ctb for years but I just lack the courage

I go up and down. Currently I am in a down state and ctb appeals to me but I lack the courage to move forward.

 

[couragetodie]

I have the courage to commit to it and start with a happy and peaceful heart.. then somewhere along the line the panic kicks in. All I know is that I have to keep trying. It's the only way to be free.

The panic is real. It's so weird to feel that panic — like the body and the mind are fighting. I imagine this is why so many use drugs and alcohol to overcome the SI.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

Yeah.. I really need to start drinking again...

 

[couragetodie]

Yeah.. I really need to start drinking again...

Lol. This whole conversation makes me want to drink.

 

[2 be or not]

'want-to-ctb-but-lack-courage'

No shame in that! I'm going with the assumption that when the time is right the courage will follow. You'd think we would know ourselves by now!

I like and agree Alan Watts' view on suicide:

Here's some Alan Watts with a twist of Jazz Hop:

 

[azucaramargo]

Everybody man...everybody. We all ultimately down deep want our problems solved and a good life...even if we say "all I want is to die"...so that is fighting in your subconscious....but the pain and shit making you consider CTB in the first place is pushing from the other side. It's not easy....its the hardest thing anyone ever does. One of us.

So true.

I have the courage to commit to it and start with a happy and peaceful heart.. then somewhere along the line the panic kicks in. All I know is that I have to keep trying. It's the only way to be free.

This kind of describes my mindset...except I wouldn't say my heart is happy and peaceful. In my case, this wave of calm comes over me. This happens when sh(t just gets so bad. Then, the wave of calm washes over me, and I start thinking, "Ahhh, there's a way out." But, I never have the balls. I haven't really every tried in earnest. Just think about ctb'ing all the time. Thanks for letting me vent on your post. xoxo

 

[epic]

Anyone else out there want to ctb but lack the courage? What a living hell...

I am in the same boat.
I don't feel like dirt because of it . It's an extremely tough thing to do. An exam no one even sits for.