Venting Waiting to Ctb

[Blowba]

Last year I have actually attempted suicide for the first time but, clearly it hasn't been a success. I have been caught in being watched constantly by my family in the way where it is truly obsessive and contradicts their belief that it helps me get better but it truly make me isolate myself in my bedroom, not even wanting to interact with anyone, or even go to the store to buy food. My life consists of waking up going to work and coming back to work just to lock myself in my room doing nothing. This really is fucking up with my mental health and actually is making me worse than what I was when I tried to commit suicide. I receive therapy once every week but its mainly focused on my eating disorder and we sometimes do incorporate my thoughts of depression. At this point I don't care about anything at all in where I constantly lie to my therapist and my psychiatrist in which they believe I am doing amazing improvement in reality my thoughts of suicide are extremely recurring through out the day and I haven't actually made any changes towards my eating disorder at all. It's all a lie for them to believe that I am okay so that nobody is constantly on me anymore or even watching me at all. I am waiting to move out in the year of 2020 where I actually plan out to kill myself in which I just want people to believe that I have been matured and improved myself as a person. So I am finally left alone in peace to finally achieve the peace that I always wanted to finally do what I believe that is right for me.

 

[WelcomingPain]

It must be hard to have to lie about being okay. I tell people I'm not okay and they just take it as a joke, which I'm fine with, because at least I don't have to hide it. I hope things either get better for you, or you find a way to exit peacefully.