Waiting Game

[BorderlineQ]

Hiya everyone, I've been a long time lurker and I finally decided to register.

I'm 23 in the US, and I just placed the order for SN. I also have done an online visit for a Metoclopramide rx.

I have BPD and have lived my entire life in a constant state of emptiness, always chasing any kind of happiness or experience to bring me the excitement to survive. Having to regulate my emotional state 24/7 and never really knowing who I am or what I want. Suicide has always been in the background for me, since I was little. It's always seemed like a guarantee.

I have a wife, two cats, and a very loving amazing family. Yet I can't escape myself and my thoughts. I've done intensive therapy, I'm on meds, I've been hospitalized, I've really tried. I'm tired. I need away from responsibilities, consequences, and most of all my mind. So I've been up all night researching and planning. And everything is now purchased. So it's just a waiting game. In some way I think I'll find the wait enjoyable, I can look at things differently knowing I'll have my way out soon. And even if I don't use it right away I'll know it's there. It will be a relief knowing I have my escape. Now we wait.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel relieved, I wish you the best, I also feel so tired of it all.

 

[cyclicism]

There is great comfort in having a way out.

Best wishes on your journey, and I hope you are able to enjoy the pleasures of life before you leave, no matter if/when it may happen.
I find I become optimistic in a sort of way when I have a date in mind - 'nothing matters, so why stress? why not make the most of it?'.