Bone
Sad Sack
- Jul 29, 2021
- 168
My alcoholic, emotionally abusive narcissist mother made my life growing up absolute hell. Now she is in end-stage alcoholism mid 70s and not making any sense when she talks, only gets out of her recliner where she sleeps to use the bathroom (pisses herself often as well wearing adult diapers) and eats nothing, though she is severely bloated and obese due to fluid retention or whatever because of the decades of alcoholism. She used to be SUPER obsessive about cleanliness and perfection in the house and with school stuff, and would rip my to shreds for any imperfection I had growing up.
To compound this, I am forced to stay at home again, at age 35, because of my own severe mental illness, bipolar with a recent 3rd episode of psychosis where everything I had been building or working on was destroyed/lost, I posted about my ridiculous delusions a LOT on social media, and now I have criminal charges to boot. Combining both of these situations (mother+mental illness/effects) is extremely difficult, and while I see my suicide as inevitable now, I'm not sure what I'm waiting on to begin the fast for SN.
Part of it is not wanting to ruin the remaining years for poor dad, but to be honest, it was his weakness and inability to put his foot down during the early years of my mom's alcoholism that led to the current situations. She is ABSOLUTELY the most responsible for my mental illness and failure to grow into a functioning adult. I'm beginning to lose my trepidation about just taking the SN at home one night. I have nothing to look forward to, tens of thousands in debt with criminal charges at age 35. In large part, my issues are due to years of prolonged emotional abuse from my mother that became worse over time because of the alcoholism that my weak father ALSO did not put his foot down about or ever intervene on.
I guess what I'm saying is-my mom is barely eating anything, not drinking water, cognitively rapidly declining, not moving at all, and only drinking wine that my dad is still giving her. I feel like she could die at any moment. I am wondering about timing re: my CTB because of this. I was concerned about the effect on my Dad but tbh he kinda dug his own grave on this one. I dunno whether to do it, before or after my mom passes, which I am seriously thinking is gonna be within a month or two, MAX.
I can't get a hotel without some mega hoops to jump through that wouldn't really make any sense to my Dad, even I don't have a car rn. We live out in the country so wandering off onto someone else's land and into a forest is a possibility and just taking the SN there, but then I feel like he'd damn near have a heart attack once I go missing for any amount of time. I feel doing it at home is the best of a trash situation.
And that's just it-this is an excruciating situation without any ray of hope. I spend hours and hours reading stuff on SS all day every day, or about children of alcoholics, doom and gloom stuff on the collapse subreddit, etc. I dunno if it's survival instinct or what that's keeping me from going for it. Perhaps the finality of it is the most jarring part. That's just...it. It's all over. Done.
I have had good memories at various periods in the past, even almost got my shit together as an adult teaching ESL in Asia and working on design projects, but nothing was sustainable into adulthood and the emergence of severe bipolar with psychosis into having a permanent criminal record (for dumb shit, y'all) has destroyed my hope of having any quality of life. It's hard enough out there for competent people these days to make ends meet and have a family, much less for me. All I can do is mull the crushing realization that I am an abject failure and feel massively crippling anxiety obsessing about my recent psychosis/mom's decline as I await for "perfect timing" which doesn't exist for most things in life, much less something like this.
Just such a surreal feeling. Not choosing where to go on a vacation or what to eat, but when and where to end my last breath. Bizarre and surreal. Never thought it'd come to this. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and I hope you are OK right now wherever you are.
To compound this, I am forced to stay at home again, at age 35, because of my own severe mental illness, bipolar with a recent 3rd episode of psychosis where everything I had been building or working on was destroyed/lost, I posted about my ridiculous delusions a LOT on social media, and now I have criminal charges to boot. Combining both of these situations (mother+mental illness/effects) is extremely difficult, and while I see my suicide as inevitable now, I'm not sure what I'm waiting on to begin the fast for SN.
Part of it is not wanting to ruin the remaining years for poor dad, but to be honest, it was his weakness and inability to put his foot down during the early years of my mom's alcoholism that led to the current situations. She is ABSOLUTELY the most responsible for my mental illness and failure to grow into a functioning adult. I'm beginning to lose my trepidation about just taking the SN at home one night. I have nothing to look forward to, tens of thousands in debt with criminal charges at age 35. In large part, my issues are due to years of prolonged emotional abuse from my mother that became worse over time because of the alcoholism that my weak father ALSO did not put his foot down about or ever intervene on.
I guess what I'm saying is-my mom is barely eating anything, not drinking water, cognitively rapidly declining, not moving at all, and only drinking wine that my dad is still giving her. I feel like she could die at any moment. I am wondering about timing re: my CTB because of this. I was concerned about the effect on my Dad but tbh he kinda dug his own grave on this one. I dunno whether to do it, before or after my mom passes, which I am seriously thinking is gonna be within a month or two, MAX.
I can't get a hotel without some mega hoops to jump through that wouldn't really make any sense to my Dad, even I don't have a car rn. We live out in the country so wandering off onto someone else's land and into a forest is a possibility and just taking the SN there, but then I feel like he'd damn near have a heart attack once I go missing for any amount of time. I feel doing it at home is the best of a trash situation.
And that's just it-this is an excruciating situation without any ray of hope. I spend hours and hours reading stuff on SS all day every day, or about children of alcoholics, doom and gloom stuff on the collapse subreddit, etc. I dunno if it's survival instinct or what that's keeping me from going for it. Perhaps the finality of it is the most jarring part. That's just...it. It's all over. Done.
I have had good memories at various periods in the past, even almost got my shit together as an adult teaching ESL in Asia and working on design projects, but nothing was sustainable into adulthood and the emergence of severe bipolar with psychosis into having a permanent criminal record (for dumb shit, y'all) has destroyed my hope of having any quality of life. It's hard enough out there for competent people these days to make ends meet and have a family, much less for me. All I can do is mull the crushing realization that I am an abject failure and feel massively crippling anxiety obsessing about my recent psychosis/mom's decline as I await for "perfect timing" which doesn't exist for most things in life, much less something like this.
Just such a surreal feeling. Not choosing where to go on a vacation or what to eat, but when and where to end my last breath. Bizarre and surreal. Never thought it'd come to this. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and I hope you are OK right now wherever you are.
