I'll just leave this here, satisfying my need to whine. I hope this doesn't violate any forum rules.
The feeling as if everything around me is pushing me towards the abyss, and is already ready for my death. I have been living in a state of emotional nothing for about three years now, although very often I feel worse, mostly nothing with a tinge of bitterness. I went through a major relationship in which I became the ultimate antagonist, the destroyer of everything, and also a nonentity. It's dying in me, like everything else. I began to look at death without the emotionality that I had before.
One way or another, I continued to live all these years, postponing my death - next week, next month, tomorrow, in three days, and so on. But the space is getting narrower, because I don't work anywhere, I can't establish any dialogue with people, everything is only getting worse. I don't want to be dependent on my mother, who never loved me anyway, I don't want to be a nonentity like the one I am now.
Society demands more from me, I demand more from myself, but if you face the truth, the person in me rotted for a very long time, under the skin stretched over this body, for a long time, there was only vile rot. I want to give up, give up everything completely, and walk away.
Since, in order to be further along the stream, I entered the university (only it is worth considering that this is a university in an insignificant town, where those who did not get into a normal one go (and I actually only got in thanks to entering the second year)). Previously, I had enough excuses that I was studying, I did the minimum, and was considered better than most of the same. But now, I'm just sick of it, every subject this semester is a spit in the student's face, subjects that give me NOTHING. Seriously, today I defended the lab "Installing Windows Server 2003 in Virtualbox" at 2023 CARL, showing printed screenshots. It's simply unbearable. On the other hand, I can't find a job, my skills and knowledge are not enough, and besides, I'm not capable of anything with people.
I've been living in this gray crap for so long, I'm incredibly tired. Moreover, there is a war in the country, and the value of human life is clearly suffering from inflation, I feel that for society I am a defective piece of shit. It will be better to die. I'm thinking about sabotaging myself, bringing the situation with the university to the point where I have to die to avoid trouble. It still has to happen, let it happen sooner.
translated via google.
The feeling as if everything around me is pushing me towards the abyss, and is already ready for my death. I have been living in a state of emotional nothing for about three years now, although very often I feel worse, mostly nothing with a tinge of bitterness. I went through a major relationship in which I became the ultimate antagonist, the destroyer of everything, and also a nonentity. It's dying in me, like everything else. I began to look at death without the emotionality that I had before.
One way or another, I continued to live all these years, postponing my death - next week, next month, tomorrow, in three days, and so on. But the space is getting narrower, because I don't work anywhere, I can't establish any dialogue with people, everything is only getting worse. I don't want to be dependent on my mother, who never loved me anyway, I don't want to be a nonentity like the one I am now.
Society demands more from me, I demand more from myself, but if you face the truth, the person in me rotted for a very long time, under the skin stretched over this body, for a long time, there was only vile rot. I want to give up, give up everything completely, and walk away.
Since, in order to be further along the stream, I entered the university (only it is worth considering that this is a university in an insignificant town, where those who did not get into a normal one go (and I actually only got in thanks to entering the second year)). Previously, I had enough excuses that I was studying, I did the minimum, and was considered better than most of the same. But now, I'm just sick of it, every subject this semester is a spit in the student's face, subjects that give me NOTHING. Seriously, today I defended the lab "Installing Windows Server 2003 in Virtualbox" at 2023 CARL, showing printed screenshots. It's simply unbearable. On the other hand, I can't find a job, my skills and knowledge are not enough, and besides, I'm not capable of anything with people.
I've been living in this gray crap for so long, I'm incredibly tired. Moreover, there is a war in the country, and the value of human life is clearly suffering from inflation, I feel that for society I am a defective piece of shit. It will be better to die. I'm thinking about sabotaging myself, bringing the situation with the university to the point where I have to die to avoid trouble. It still has to happen, let it happen sooner.
translated via google.
