Venting Victim Blaming - support please

[Rocksandsand]

Today, my partner told me that it was my fault that colleagues at work (we work at the same organisation) were gossiping about the time I was raped by a different colleague who then spread rumours about me, because I post sex-positive content on my social media.

Apparently it is impossible to remain sex-positive but also be a rape victim. Naturally, having my partner yell this at me over the bed while I am half asleep has been quite triggering.

Speaking of being a rape victim, I have court for this incident in four days. And it's always been a stand out date as an opportunity to CTB. I will hopefully get a cash settlement which I can put on my funeral and leave the rest for my brother and dad. I want to start the meto regime so I will be okay to take my SN the evening after court. But I am so scared of hurting other people. I just can't live for them any more.

I don't know why I am posting this. I guess I just need to vent and to gather some strength at the moment to keep on trying to cope, because I am on the verge of giving up.

 

[Alchemist]

Your partner is a jerk and it wasn't your fault.

 

[Stan]

Wow! Personally I feel as a male I need to apologise for my gender in a number of ways through your story. There is that current of machismo that puts certain dinosaurs into a tailspin when a woman is confident in her sexuality and that they enjoy sex. That's their problem not yours. 'Locker room talk for men has probably been around for thousands of years so no moral leg to stand on there for the male gender. Of course a smear campaign will be started by the attacker, probably will be used as a tactic by his defence team so expect that to come up. Not met your partner, but from what you said I would use the term 'partner' very loosely. I hope you give them hell in court!

 

[ThriveOrDie]

That angry face was directed at your partner. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Rocksandsand]

You're right, I am using the term partner pretty loosely @Stan... it's shit because I know he is angry because of the way I am being spoken about, but it just translates as being angry at me for somehow provoking the rumours. I am confident that this has come up because of the looming court date, and nothing to do with what I say on social media. I haven't actually posted anything in months because I have been so miserable.

This whole situation just makes me want drugs. And to self harm. Basically anything to self destruct. It's almost suffocating - I have SN and supplies here ready to go and it's times like this that I can almost hear it calling me from the kitchen cupboard.

 

[gingerplum]

I just got the worst feeling when I read that your colleagues were gossiping about you... seriously, what kind of people think their peer's rape is fodder for gossip?!? And your partner yelling at you about it instead of defending you? What a shitshow, that's absolutely sickening.

I think you're incredibly strong to be able to go to court for this; I can't imagine how intimidating that must be. Wishing you the best & rooting for you all the way!

 

[Morphinekiss]

I don't care if you're posting nudes for all to see, the blame is not yours, the shame is not yours. Fuck your colleagues, and fuck your partner harder for not sticking up for you. As a rape survivor taking back my agency and control of my sexuality is the best therapy I could have done. Wishing you the best in court, that's my one regret.

 

[INWonderland]

I am so sorry that you experienced that. That was inexcusable from your partner and from your colleagues. I too have been raped and am part of certain very sex positive communities. I thankfully have gained a lot of perspective that the years have been able to provide. If you feel like you need to vent to someone and feel more comfortable doing so in PM feel free. I also have to say that I admire your strength. Standing up and facing my rapist was something I could never do not even 15 years later. I am so sorry that you are not receiving the support that you need during this time.

 

[Futility]

Unfortunately this is usually what happens, even after all those seemingly useless me-too awareness campaigns going around.

It was not your fault, you're valid, from what I have learned over time, people that victim bash/blame are just afraid because they're absolving their own responsibilities and projecting their own inner guilty conscience, there's no other reason to be that defensive.

 

[Egddios]

This is so tough - I feel for you, I hear you, I support you.

I was raped in 2015, didn't report it for many reasons, mostly fear and shame. I remember feeling angry with myself, thinking why didn't I listen to my gut and steer clear of this person but, she was my neighbor and unfortunately I saw her a lot. I got bad vibes from her from the first time we met...she seemed intrusive and pushy.

For anyone out there who thinks rape only happens between men and women, that is not the case.

Anyhow, I kept the rape to myself and I fell into a rapid, downward spiral - started considering ending my life. I was hurting, I was angry, frustrated, deeply sad. It happened in September and by the Spring, I was no longer able to live with the wounds. I attempted to hang myself from a beam of our loft bed, but my husband was trying to reach me by phone and when he couldn't, he had a bad feeling and called the police. So, I was interrupted.

I was brought to a hospital and about 2 or 3 days in, a staff member sexually assaulted me. At that point, I truly felt like part of me had died. I felt...it's still hard to put into words.

I did end up reporting the hospital assault and did have to go to many court hearings. It was awful. You mentioned you'll be going to court in 4 days or so and really, I hope maybe you've got someone supportive to stand with you. I'd be there myself for you if I could - solidarity. This is a terrible thing that has happened to you and it was not your fault. You don't have to give up who you are, your sexuality, etc.

Regarding colleagues at work discussing what happened, I'd start by filing a complaint with Human Resources if you haven't already.

I'm sorry to hear your partner yelled at you. Sounds like he's struggling with his own feelings regarding the rape and there are so many emotions that can erupt in the aftermath, from people who care for you and at the same time are angry with themselves for not being able to help or erase what happened. Maybe he's feeling powerless? I'm guessing based on my own experiences.

I'm pulling for you.

 

[clownangel]

I don't have much to add that hasn't been said already, just wanted to send support and love and whatnot.

Ugh. I'm sorry. That's so shit all over. I hope your partner pulls his head out of his ass (and at the absolute least apologizes, though I know it doesn't really....help.) and that the court date is as painless as it can be.

 

[JimFord99]

For some reason, the rape victim gets sort of a blame (which is totally wrong!!!) and not just in daily life but also in court so be prepared when it comes to cross examination. I just think that rape cases are getting more difficult to prove and win as society seems to accept it is OK (but it is NOT) and the victim has to take some part of the blame. Be strong and determined and don't let anyone bully you. I am not trying to pull you down but you must be prepared to be intimidated in a bad way. All the best wishes to you, hope it will go in you favour.

 

[Rocksandsand]

It's so fucked that SS gets all this criticism in the media, but then I come here and get more - and better - support than anything in real life... You are all lifelines. Even if I CtB soon, surviving the past six months has been highly dependent on all you beautiful people...

I will keep you all posted on how it goes. It means so much having people to talk to freely without stigma. Being yelled at this morning hurt so much. I don't cope well with that sort of stuff (parents weren't the best) so I just freeze and dissociate. I've had a lot of pregabalin and mulled wine now and I am feeling marginally more settled. I'm just waiting for the clock to run down so I can take my sleeping tablets now.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I know this feeling well indeed bootstraps mentality lacking empathy well what do we do but try to set our demons and angels free only to ask them back indeed maybe it's fate or free but I'm not Doug Prishpreed on Tim and Eric what is going on sorry manic but hope this makes ya laugh a bit of pranic energy I dunno <3 I know that feel of feeling like a victim but being made out to be the bad one, it's a disconcerting energy filled with false dichotomies one may say or try to pray or meditate and become prostrate with the wand of Jesus and Lucifer I don't know truly ooley grey aliens waeliens take the magnesium watch out for grandma <3

 

[welshie84]

I also post sex positive stuff on Facebook. Some men translate that into me being ' easy ' and ' well up for it ' where in reality, I'm very fussy and dont tend to bother with it as I'm a mess as it is

 

[arelia]

It's so fucked that SS gets all this criticism in the media, but then I come here and get more - and better - support than anything in real life... You are all lifelines. Even if I CtB soon, surviving the past six months has been highly dependent on all you beautiful people...

I will keep you all posted on how it goes. It means so much having people to talk to freely without stigma. Being yelled at this morning hurt so much. I don't cope well with that sort of stuff (parents weren't the best) so I just freeze and dissociate. I've had a lot of pregabalin and mulled wine now and I am feeling marginally more settled. I'm just waiting for the clock to run down so I can take my sleeping tablets now.

*hugs* love, I hope you're feeling even more chilled now.

For me, if the guy can't behave in a civillised manner I'd not let him over the doorstep again. Change the locks if you have to as he's nowt but drain on your goodwill, let him find someone else to pour his bile on.

You're good people lovey, don't let him drag you down.

 

[JimFord99]

It's so fucked that SS gets all this criticism in the media, but then I come here and get more - and better - support than anything in real life... You are all lifelines. Even if I CtB soon, surviving the past six months has been highly dependent on all you beautiful people...

I will keep you all posted on how it goes. It means so much having people to talk to freely without stigma. Being yelled at this morning hurt so much. I don't cope well with that sort of stuff (parents weren't the best) so I just freeze and dissociate. I've had a lot of pregabalin and mulled wine now and I am feeling marginally more settled. I'm just waiting for the clock to run down so I can take my sleeping tablets now.

Please, do keep us informed. Hope it goes well and in your best interest.