Venting Very poor mental health lately

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Since around Christmas I have gone downhill so much. I feel like I'm in an ongoing tailspin of anxiety, sleeplessness, despair, paranoia, panic etc. It's cyclical and recurring. My brain fog is through the roof and I can't concentrate on the most basic things. But above all, everything feels futile and I'm totally unmotivated for anything the future might have to offer.

I haven't felt this bad since 2015 when I had my mental breakdown. Back then I was put on an SSRI and a benzo combo, which helped a lot. Right now I am only on the SSRI and I am really reluctant to request benzos again as it took me ages to wean off them. Plus I have no health insurance anymore since the premiums went ballistic (I was quoted almost $400/month for the cheapest plan). And so obviously I have no mental health coverage either. I'm trying to hold it together and still maintain a sense of humor but I'm having a very hard time.

It feels hopeless, and I really thought I was done getting these types of setbacks.

Anyone else struggling atm?

 

[barely_afloat]

My meds make it easier for me to deal with anxiety, but I've been struggling to not get into a depressive mode. I'm so busy from morning till night, and I barely get any sleep. if I ever do get time for myself, I don't feel any motivation to do anything. I barely eat, I've been eating the same thing for days.

I've also been paranoid. I know I'm being delusional but I can't control how my body feels. I'm numb and empty but then there'll be random intense emotions that pop up and then disappear. I don't know how I feel about it.

but hey, it is what it is. you said it yourself, it's just a setback. you managed to get better before, and you can do it again

 

[Pluto]

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm more unnaturally calm but I'm so lethargic. Really, From the end of last year, I've been becoming increasing lazy and reluctant to do anything. And, seeing as I've pandered to it and been physically lazy, my physical fitness is so shit now. So that I genuinely don't feel like I have energy to do stuff. It does feel like a slippery slope.

I kind of know I can only let go so far. I feel obliged to live and support myself whilst my Dad is still alive so- there are some depths I don't feel like I can sink beneath.

I suppose that's what makes me wonder though. Do we have control? If I do still have control- then it can't be mental illness. So, does that just mean I'm lazy? But then, it's also being influenced by the belief that everything is futile. It's hard to motivate ourselves when we don't believe in what we're doing.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much.