redsendtend
there's a heaven
- Feb 13, 2026
- 41
I just recieved a lot of baby pictures of me and i started crying. I feel like I was so privilleged in my childhood and I was too ignorant even see it. Post-15, everything started to become absolutely terrible and I honestly feel like I have done my younger self injustice. I feel like I really betrayed that little girl, and idk I'm just crying so much. Like, life is bad, lol. I just looked so happy and free— not riddled with 23 mental issues. Now, I live in an ugly place with ugly people and I just want death. All my old friends are at uni, and here I am, in this cesspit. People say to me that I'm smart but what's the use of it, if you're so depressed and pessimistic you don't even want to do anything? I just want death. At that's another thing: I just want someone to love me unconditionally. Like, when you're socially adequate, everyone favours you and because you're so used to your position you think that they like you for you. Lol, no. If you lost everything and became poor and all else then they leave you. I think I don't even want to work my way up again because if I make friends with civillised people then I feel like I'll always be questioning in the back of my mind: 'Does this person actually like me?' I feel hopeless, really. I thought that I was getting better, so I threw away my metamorphine and deleted DSL's phone number, but now my roommate has filed a police report against me and I'm so insanely broke. I just don't know what I did to deserve all of this. I feel very alone, and I'm the only person who knows my memories: I haven't got anyone to share memories with. I have become socially inept and death is very favourable right now. I've prayed and I've read and I've prayed and read and prayed and read but everything seems in vain. Idk if this is a test from God, if it is then I'm sorry for what I am about to. I just hate my life. The worst part is that everyone around me seems to want my demise. I feel very suicidal.
