user667
Student
- May 11, 2020
- 255
hey this is just a vent so its rlly stupid and annoying so feel free to ignore. im planning on ctb friday night (early saturday morning i guess, around 3 am). i am 18 but technically still in high school and live with my parents so they have total control over me. they know i am suicidal so they are very strict and dont let me leave my house for longer than five minutes. ive never even snuck out of my house before. but friday night at 1 am, i am planning on sneaking out my window, driving to pick up SN, locking myself in my moms work office (i stole her keys) and od on the sn. this plan is so intimidating to me because so many things could go wrong and i could be sent to inpatient. if the alarm goes off or i make too much noise when i sneak out it will wake them up (my mom is a light sleeper), if they notice im gone they will call the cops, if they notice the car is gone they will call the cops, i dont have a license so if i get pulled over or sm im fucked. so much could go wrong and im so anxious. but my need to die, the absolute desperation is greater than that. its not that dying intimidates me, but the process of getting there seems impossible. and due to my depression i can barely move from my bed so i dont know how im supposed to wake up in the middle of the night with enough energy to pull off this crazy plan. but i really need to die. i saw my best friend for the last time last night. of course, she didnt know it was the last time but i did. i was kind of hoping that when i was with her i would feel less alone, or maybe just a little bit better so i didnt have to kill myself. i wanted just a little bit of hope. and i had a great time with her, but it only made me realize i really want this. it felt so good playing a game with her, hearing her talk about her childhood and her family, funny stories and her greatest fears. it felt so good hearing her tell me she loved me but it only made it hurt worse because i realized nothing can make me want to stay. nothing makes it better, even for a second. and we watched a movie in my bed together and she curled up next to me and put her head on my shoulder and i put my head on top of hers and i realized how much i loved her and i wish i could stay for her im just not strong enough. and after that it just hit me, all of it. like the movie finished and i sat up and it hit me how this was the last time id ever see her, how i mess everything up, how she came over to my house to have fun and i just start crying and ruin her night, all the terrible things my mom was yelling at me hours before and they hurt so bad because she was right. i couldnt even tell her she was wrong. and so she hugged me and i cried and i never wanted her to let go but she did and i looked into her eyes and she looked away and i couldnt even bring myself to ask her why she looked away. i watched her walk to her car, knowing that it was goodbye forever. i know shell be fine without me, she means far more to me than i ever did to her. shes my best friend but im not even close to hers. if you could miss people when ur dead, i would definitely miss her. but i guess thats the allure of death right? you can't feel anything ever again. its just oblivion. its not that i want the pain to stop, although i do, but more so that i want consciousness to stop. i dont like consciousness, i dont like life and i dont feel like i belong here. and im just tired. so tired. im really ready to give up. i cant wait til its here.
