vent

[Riven]

i don't know why im like this. i should be happier, objectively. i know i have a good life, i have people who care about me. people that i care about too. outside of who i am, life is great. but, im not happy. and i havent been, for a long time. i have such a fascination with death, its been years of this. i am obsessed with death, and dying, and blood. i wonder if its too late now, if the fact that ive been like this through formative years of my life, and now my adult life, that this is just who i am. forever. i hate who i am. i hate being trans, i hate having these fucking mental illnesses, i hate it all so fucking much. my hate is so strong that as some fucked up coping mechanism my brain shoved off the pieces of myself i hate the most and gave them their own thoughts, their own wants. they aren't always around, but when they are they fucking torment me, and either force me to do stuff, or take over and do it for me. im so scared of hurting people, i just want everyone to be happy. i know i have hurt people, i know ive done bad things. i wish i could take it back, i wish i could be a better person. but i cant, i know i cant. happiness is only ever fleeting, no matter what you think. i thought id finally found it, but it was fake. i was a fool for thinking it was anything else. i dont even know what the point of saying all this is. i just feel so alone.