Vent

[Lostandfound82]

My existence is completely miserable. I don't talk to anyone. I have a disease that I haven't taken care of properly for almost 10 years and I'm 100% bound to terrible complications from it such as blindness kidney disease amputations etc the list goes on and on. My sight is already horrible and my insides never feel right. I'm afraid of all the complications finally happening and not having the ability to end it forever wishing I did it when I was of better health. I'm so isolated idk if I could formulate a coherent sentence with someone face to face. I just sit in a cold garage all day with the sound of rats scurrying around all night. I have agoraphobia. I can't bring myself to go upstairs during the day so I starve until night time and shower only at night. I pee in a sink in the basement and pray that I don't have to shit until night time. I'm so fucking bored all the time. The only entertainment I have is my phone. Nobody checks up on me anymore because I have isolated myself from everyone and I guess they just see me as a lost cause. I want out so fucking bad but a 800 ft drop at night seems terrifying to me. Im afraid of heights. It's the only instant death I have access to though so im just going to have to deal with it. I don't look forward to dropping into the void and I definitely don't look forward to the 7 seconds I will have to reflect on my decision. I deserve it. There are so many people with such shitty memories of me. I'm a loose screw and a lost cause. Everyone will be better without me. I want out of the prison of my mind. I want to sleep forever completely oblivious to everything. People really only care when you are gone. I'm glad I won't be here to see the people I know in my life posting about how much they miss me but wouldn't bother to reach out now while I'm suffering. Fuck em. I wish I could live life as a normal functioning member of society but I have come to accept that I will always fall back to these terribly low lows. I wish I wasn't so fucking chemically imbalanced and fucked up in the head. I will forever be an outcast as long as I'm living. Forever the black sheep of my family who no one fully trusts and is pitied because of my suffering. Forever a shell of my former self. Forever a failure. Why can't it be easier to just fucking die. Sorry for the long all over the place rant I just feel so close to my breaking point. I can't even escape the suicidal thoughts while I'm dreaming.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to sleep permanently and be free from all the suffering, I also wish it's easier to just be gone, to me personally it feels so cruel how it's so difficult to be permanently free from this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.