Venting vent?

[ChaiTea]

i'm not sure what i'm venting about.

i purchased sn with the intention of kms right as soon as i received it. the tears and hugs were all there too. maybe i just wanted to feel something? because i didn't use it when i got it (about 1.5 years ago)

i still have it. and i still think about it daily. i'm back and no longer homesick from the trip from my last post.

the thing is, i don't just feel suicidal when it's late at night or when something goes wrong. i could be eating lunch with friends, or playing an instrument, or on a walk, and think about how i don't want to be here anymore. it's not even in the depressing way or anything

this has been going on for years, i don't know why im saying it now. maybe for the sake of my shitty memory, or on the chance someone else understands which i'm sure someone does

i find myself wanting to ask "should i kill myself?" but i know i shouldn't on the internet lol

i wonder if they still remember me. i wonder if they ever think of me. or if they remember anything about me. or even if i WANT them to. i wonder how this rest of the year is going to work out, as i have some stressful plans :*)

 

[minamin]

I definitely understand the sudden intrusive thought of "I don't want to be here anymore". Even when I'm happy, or hanging out with friends, the thought of how fleeting that happiness is will come back no matter what. The other week I was laughing with some friends and on the outside it really all looked totally normal, but in my head I was just thinking "I wonder how many more days or this, how long am I just going to keep existing?".

the thought really just won't go away even when it makes sense to, even when you're doing something completely divorced from the thought of CTB. It sucks. You're definitely not alone on that aspect.

 

[Little_Suzy]

There's so much to live for, and you want to be alive. Mental illness saps our joie de vivre, leaving us constantly mentally fatigued. It feels as if we are struggling to find hope. This is the time to rely on your support system, which understands your need for rest and will not allow you to fall into isolation.