thought about this a lot. i have been wanting to ctb for a while, since high school honestly. i am about to graduate from one of the best universities in the world, have access to therapy, have been seeing a psychiatrist for 2 years now. ive oscillated between being violently depressed and suicidal (which has resulted in hospitalization), being merely "content" and passively suicidal, and even being happy at times where i don't really think about suicide, but i have never thought that my moments of happiness redeemed my suffering or made it all worth it in any way.
i dont have money myself but a caring, overprotective family with resources, who would never let me fall into homelessness, addiction, etc. i have a few good friends who love me, even acquaintances that have a peripheral interest in my wellbeing, relationships with professors etc that would make it pretty easy for me to find a job after college. i even have an emotional support dog who i love very much. on paper i have a pretty great life, so why do i want to ctb so bad?
one of my best friends sexually abused me a few months ago, i was also sexually assaulted by a stranger. therapists have told me that this is probably why i have SI, as part of some sort of trauma response, oddly i dont think of these things very much when i think about wanting to ctb. im not even sure i buy the whole "complex effects of trauma" thing, i think everything that happens to you permanently changes who you are to an extent, some in a bad way and some in a good way, whether its sexual abuse, an s/o cheating on/leaving you, someone flipping you off, etc... i don't think this is as clinical a phenomenon as drs have suggested. plus people survive way worse (war, r*pe, loss of a child, extreme poverty...) and become more or less "normal" people who don't want to ctb.
i think mostly about my relationships with others, i feel suffocated and chained by them but i have also been a lifelong people pleaser and the possibility of disappointing those around me is an enormous burden on my psyche. the catch-22 is that maybe i wouldnt want to ctb if i just isolated myself and really did start cutting people off and asserting myself, but then i would be so alone that i would want to ctb anyway. im afraid of doing anything at all and most days i just live in a sort of eternal task paralysis. im just tired of doing the day to day things that need to be done in life: finding food, subletting my apartment, keeping up with friends, talking to my parents, etc. i feel ungrateful and stupid most days thinking about how much i have, and how much i don't want it anymore. wondering if anyone else is in the same boat.
i dont have money myself but a caring, overprotective family with resources, who would never let me fall into homelessness, addiction, etc. i have a few good friends who love me, even acquaintances that have a peripheral interest in my wellbeing, relationships with professors etc that would make it pretty easy for me to find a job after college. i even have an emotional support dog who i love very much. on paper i have a pretty great life, so why do i want to ctb so bad?
one of my best friends sexually abused me a few months ago, i was also sexually assaulted by a stranger. therapists have told me that this is probably why i have SI, as part of some sort of trauma response, oddly i dont think of these things very much when i think about wanting to ctb. im not even sure i buy the whole "complex effects of trauma" thing, i think everything that happens to you permanently changes who you are to an extent, some in a bad way and some in a good way, whether its sexual abuse, an s/o cheating on/leaving you, someone flipping you off, etc... i don't think this is as clinical a phenomenon as drs have suggested. plus people survive way worse (war, r*pe, loss of a child, extreme poverty...) and become more or less "normal" people who don't want to ctb.
i think mostly about my relationships with others, i feel suffocated and chained by them but i have also been a lifelong people pleaser and the possibility of disappointing those around me is an enormous burden on my psyche. the catch-22 is that maybe i wouldnt want to ctb if i just isolated myself and really did start cutting people off and asserting myself, but then i would be so alone that i would want to ctb anyway. im afraid of doing anything at all and most days i just live in a sort of eternal task paralysis. im just tired of doing the day to day things that need to be done in life: finding food, subletting my apartment, keeping up with friends, talking to my parents, etc. i feel ungrateful and stupid most days thinking about how much i have, and how much i don't want it anymore. wondering if anyone else is in the same boat.
