Venting Vent box

[Preh1storic_Rib]

A vent box for me.
I'm unsure how I feel about venting here, paranoia is high. So it'll probably be nonspecific more descriptive stuff than anything for a bit. Probably not looking for replies, I just like feeling seen sometimes.

Spoiler: workout

Twleve steps forward and my mouth is so dry that it hurts to breathe, thirteen and I realise my nose is full of phlem. Fifteen, there's a sway to my step, a pause inbetween each footfall as I struggle to remember one foot infront of the other. Twenty, and I abandon the idea of resting all together, water, I need water. The door is loud, it creaks so noisily it's the only thing I notice until the air is waving as my hands press a mug against the running faucet. Water doesn't help, my vision darkens as I swallow and where my arm is leaning against the windowsill it feels heavy. Moving away is a matter of the entire body rather than just a bit of strength to the limb, and it inspires the smallest flair of panic in my head. I want to puke, I want to. I want something to focus on other than the pretty fissures floating across my vision, following, twirling, as I try to hide. I know I'm visibly staggering now, my ears are ringing, everything sounds tinny. It's hard to keep my head up. The bathroom light is on, I flipped the switch. I know I did, but still, coming out of it, standing up, pushing my body away from the wall, it comes as a surprise that I can see my legs shake in the windowless room.

 

[Preh1storic_Rib]

I want to bash my head in

 

[Preh1storic_Rib]

I'm irrational right now. I think maybe some form of self preservation and apathy mix that's festered into something new.
I hate hospitals. Its one of my biggest fears I think. Being trapped there again where no one cares but worse because they see this everyday, there's not even shock left.
I'm irrational right now because I don't particularly care. I want to hang myself, but that would fail because I'm impulsive right now and don't have a doorway or funds for a hotel and rope, and I'm too geared up to go looking for a place outside. It would fail but I don't care because I want to be gone and my head doesn't feel safe. And if I can't be gone I at least want it to stop. And that's what they're supposed to help with right?
But they don't. I know they don't and I'm terrified. Because I know those places just make everything worse, but I don't care if there's even a sliver of a chance I'll be gone. And I don't think I've ever been at that mindset before.