Haha it was kind of funny, I get it. I also feel like this is the only place people can truly understand the extent of everything that comes with SI. I had everything to ctb with SN just over a month ago, but didn't. Whether you decide to or not I wish you the best, and know that there's always people here for you

I don't think I'll struggle much with SI once the methods arrive. After I last year, my family insisted that I try ECT and it actually worked. However, I didn't continue to take the meds as I believed that they have never done anything apart from side affects. This is late June
Around December time I started getting stuck again, life became way harder. Due to stigma, shame and actually not following up with cbt and meds I couldn't reach out and I kept trying on my own. One reason is not to take the meds is that I always believed in psychedelics and after I recovered with ect I spent time figuring out how to cultivate shrooms. However I broke down just after I got everything and I only had the execution phase to go through.
I believe that my main cause of depression is an undiagnosed adhd. I'm full with resentment and regret. I know life is beautiful but I have so much to figure out and overcome with my mental health. Meanwhile my physical health is fucked due to poor posture and injuries.
Physical activities and sports are the biggest sources of nourishment to my soul. However, I'm stuck with ciggrates addiction and mental anguish. I decided that I don't wanna out effort anymore because by that time I win some of my fights, life will most likely through something massive my way. I know I'm not resilient.
So here I am smoking 1-2 packs a day, drinking coffee, eating chocolates, playing games on the phone and lerking here.
I ordered SN and I believe I can manage getting AE here easily. I'm also ordering N to increase the chances of something arriving.
Meanwhile I'm preparing a playlist on SoundCloud to share with the world when time comes