Nortu
Longing for an ending
- Apr 7, 2023
- 88
I've gotten into what field of study I aimed for. But this isn't for me, I cant do it and I feel Even more numb than previously this year.
i'm fully alone which I dont really mind all that much in a way, but at the same time I do? At least the one schoolmate I had that was moving here too couldn't handel the stress and moved back After 2 weeks. So I wont have to think about her getting friends and not being bothered by my choice. She even has a loved one now So thats wonderful.
I'm just here in a way. Stuck in the same room 24/7. I'm so mentally exhausted to Even do what I should be doing which is reading and heading to the lectures. I cant get into the routines and my brain doesnt know how to function.
Relapsing with both s/h, purging and furthering my troubled self image doesn't help much either. The only thing atm keeping me around is the thought of , calculating and making meals. I dont know what Else there is. The plan was to give myself until the end of the year or until my Birthday next year (5 ish months away).
Every day I've just gotten worse, Even when I thought that wouldn't be possible xD
I dont Even know why I'm trying to put this into words, its so stupid. I just dont know how Long I can keep doing this. It hurts to exist, I can feel it in my chest and my stomach all the time. I still dont want to live and the last couple months have only confirmed it more. I just hope I can find a better method in time cause mine is a little risky on the 50/50 way. Failing would be embarrassing and ruining the rest of my life. I cant afford to do that
I dont think I could lay on rails either Even though I now am in a city that has it available. It'd only be an option if everything Else fails
i'm fully alone which I dont really mind all that much in a way, but at the same time I do? At least the one schoolmate I had that was moving here too couldn't handel the stress and moved back After 2 weeks. So I wont have to think about her getting friends and not being bothered by my choice. She even has a loved one now So thats wonderful.
I'm just here in a way. Stuck in the same room 24/7. I'm so mentally exhausted to Even do what I should be doing which is reading and heading to the lectures. I cant get into the routines and my brain doesnt know how to function.
Relapsing with both s/h, purging and furthering my troubled self image doesn't help much either. The only thing atm keeping me around is the thought of , calculating and making meals. I dont know what Else there is. The plan was to give myself until the end of the year or until my Birthday next year (5 ish months away).
Every day I've just gotten worse, Even when I thought that wouldn't be possible xD
I dont Even know why I'm trying to put this into words, its so stupid. I just dont know how Long I can keep doing this. It hurts to exist, I can feel it in my chest and my stomach all the time. I still dont want to live and the last couple months have only confirmed it more. I just hope I can find a better method in time cause mine is a little risky on the 50/50 way. Failing would be embarrassing and ruining the rest of my life. I cant afford to do that
I dont think I could lay on rails either Even though I now am in a city that has it available. It'd only be an option if everything Else fails
