Unfulfilled goal a reason I think against ctb

[Archness]

There isn't much in life for me apart from passing the time, maybe the occasional "good feelings"; but there's a lack of depth, a certain kind of distance unmistakable.

Looking at the "big picture", we're all just birds pecking buttons doing whatever to get these nice sensations. It's dehumanizing and alienating, I can't help but see past the facade.

But past that, there just isn't anything for me. In an attempt to alleviate that, as I fell in a blacken despair, I had a dream : I wished to become a writer, write a good, perhaps even important work of literature

But I can't even try now, all attempts are hopeless from the start, even starting, it proves hopeless. These failures are true failures, because there's only a vacuum left : Nothing I could show others, no record, forgotten by myself even, and nothing learned but that I can't do anything. In a literal sense, I CAN'T WRITE.

Every attempt at my dream, a "certain project"... A Failure

The rebellious passion I once had against nihil, to be a writer, dead. Gone, entirely defeated!

It's over, I know that, but you know me : Thinking, daydreaming, dream-dreaming no matter how impossible.

I couldn't, and possibly could never accept this defeat. There'll always be a part of me with this dream, which this need, a thought that it is possible.

I really did loose already. But I can't help it.... Without it I can't really ctb in peace, because to be honest, as unbearable as this spiritrial starvation is, living and dying for nothing is even moreso.

I can't live to write, but I want to have done something that truly meant something to me, if temporary as life.

Really depressing that's the best I could hope for ; makes me suicidal how I can't even do this.

If I could fulfill this mission, I could peacefully ctb and content.

 

[carmechanicer_keke]

I often feel the same. I really want to leave something behind, some proof that I lived, proof of what I was, but I don't know how today's society would feel about my writing. So finally I realized that the best type of art comes from our own experiences: good or bad. So maybe try thinking about your experiences in this life, you might find something you can write about. Good luck!

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry have gaol no do, yea rly life make all do hard , v undrstd want dont thing lose all no able no wrt no any, hope make wat want