Story Unfulfilled dreams, fantasies, goals, and desires... that alone should be enough to CTB (or any reason)

[TAW122]

This is a story that I recalled when I was in college (more than one and a half decades ago), in my early 20's, and it would certainly be a very basic and logical reason to CTB (tbh, any reason is valid, and not trying to gatekeep) just in and of itself (the natural reality of the universe and sentience - which of course, the universe couldn't care at all). So I was in undergrad and there was a philosophy or ethics professor, who I'll refer to as 'G' in this story, and I've built a small rapport with him. During college, I was a perfectionist and wanted to experience having a perfect GPA, even for a semester, but of course, that never did happen, came close a few semesters, then in my sophomore year, one semester I decided it wasn't worth it and did not do so, and just kind of let academics slide down a bit, though not as much to the point where I would be on academic probation or anywhere near the risk of being kicked out. So anyways, after building some rapport with G, he once said something about how he wanted to run a sub 5 minute one mile lap, but that was just his dream and he couldn't attain it. So the lesson itself was about how "there are things we want, but for whatever reason we cannot necessary attain it and that was just part of the human experience (life)". I did not really see it the same way as G did, but respectfully acknowledged his point of view. Basically his perspective is that there will always be people who have certain wants and desires but simply cannot (for any reason or cause, either by them or by (external) circumstance) attain them and that it was just normal and what not. He mentioned he felt miserable and sad, disappointed (obviously, who wouldn't?) but then accepted that as part of his life and what not.

Of course, that didn't sit well with me, but at that time, I had a major realization moment. I realized life sucks and that "unfulfilled dreams, fantasies, goals, and desires... that alone should be enough for one to CTB." Well any reason (or even lack thereof) as it's up to the person. What I wanted (one of many things and desires) was getting a perfect GPA in college, even for just one semester (4.0 just fyi), did not happen and after such a stark reality, it just reinforced my stance on how futile and miserable life is. There are many other disappointments and things, but this realization among many other ones is just another key, major point in pushing for my wanting to CTB. Of course, sadly I didn't check out in my early 20's even, but this is just one example story where I had a major realization.

In the end, yes there are more things besides the lack of fulfilling goals and achievements that I wanted in my life and sentience (this just being one example of many others), However, most people just 'cope', 'settle', 'adapt', which is why they are still around, but for us and the people who won't do either of those end up (attempting to) CTB to avoid the entirety of the shitshow that is life itself. There is nothing wrong with that and ultimately it's their choice. I could easily see that sentience just sucks for a lot of people, because maybe for another person, perhaps an athelete name B, if B didn't attain what they wanted, then to B, it's life changing and soul crushing; it's not my place nor anybody's place to undermine or to downplay B's shortcomings or failure to attain what B truly wanted... So this overall story just shows an example of what I realized while in college in my 20's and also how it applies to others' in similar shoes; they too have their own disappointments and stuff, and maybe for me it doesn't hold the same weight, but to them it's their whole world on that thing and there is nothing wrong with that. Nobody should gatekeep or undermine another's own failure of fulfillment or attainment of goals, desires, fantasies, etc.

 

[ceilng_tile]

I'm glad someone else understands. No one else gets to decide whether your dreams are "reasonable" enough to be worth dying for. That is your decision alone.

 

[EternalShore]

It's a nice story but rather sad for both of you~ :( broken dreams suck lots~ :( unfortunately, well, my life overall is kinda like that too... :( if I don't get what I wish for, then it would be better to die indeed~

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have mixed feelings really. On the one hand, it's hard to change who we are and the emotions we feel about things. On the other, we may make compromises to attain a desired end goal.

Although, part of our responses/ desires/ values will have been taught to us to begin with. For example- your education is important. You must get the highest grade possible to do well. Is that even true though? Do you think every person that got top marks landed their dream job? Surely- that's the ultimate point to it. Not simply attaining a scrap of paper you can frame.

Obviously, it gives a person a better chance. Still, I think it's also important to question: 'Why do I want this so much?' I imagine most of the time, it's because we believe it will bring us joy/ fulfiment.

I can guarantee that they didn't always land their dream job though. Being employed in a top job takes more than just a qualification. So, some people may take a more hollistic approach. As in- I want this particular job (as my end goal) but, it's unlikely I'll get very top grades. How else can I go about giving myself an edge to get it? Do I need to focus on getting experience in the field, making contacts etc?

Being fixated on a random thing isn't always helpful in the long-term. I do actually know from experience. I got first class honours in both of my degrees. I'm far from the top of my industry though. I don't have enough skill/ talent for one but I would also struggle to work around others. Being fixated on one thing at the exclusion of other essential things isn't always good. So, compromise abd adaptation can make us happier/ more successful in the long- term- sometimes.

But sure, we can still legitimately say- I don't want to play by these rules. Ultimately, we have choices. I suppose in our own ways, we all try to find the path of least resistance. We either compromise in pursuit of an end goal. We insist that we won't alter our standards because that would create more suffering or, we quit all together and CTB. I suspect we all know deep down which path is the most tolerable for us.

If I looked at my own life, I figured out early on that being creative gave me a sense of purpose and fulfilment. It also gave me a terrific sense of calm. Almost like meditation. I could lose myself and my problems for hours on end. I wanted to spend all my time being creative. Therefore- it made sense to try and get a job in it. If 30-50% of my waking hours are spent working, it would make sense to enjoy the work!

In order to do that though, I've made compromises all over the place. I've devoted my life to it at the expense of friends and family. I've accepted that I will need to work my arse off to attain the standard to try and keep my job. I've sacrificed my health with lots of horrid fumes and chemicals. I've done Head of Department roles because they provided financial stability whilst still allowing me some time to create. I've stepped down from better paying jobs in order to give myself more time to create.

I think sometimes- it may look as if someone is compromising/ giving up when in fact, it's simply that their priorities have changed. Some musicians have 'quit' for periods of time to spend more time with their families. I just think it's more complex sometimes than people simply just settling for 'less' although, sometimes we may feel forced to.

But personally speaking- sure- I think any type of problem we have in life that is causing us immense suffering can feel worth CTB over. Most especially if we can't see a way of overcoming it.

I think some of us simply feel like it would be too uncomfortable/ difficult to adapt to be able to truly thrive in this world. I certainly feel like that socially. Being confronted with the prospect of having to work around other people again is a huge CTB trigger for me.

I know it's what I should do. There's even a tiny chance it would ultimately make me happier. The 'journey' would be horrendous though. I know because I've tried it before. So, that's my compromise too far.

 

[TAW122]

Interesting responses and I wrote this story partly to give my thoughts on why people CTB, but also to point out a common legitimate reason that people would CTB that would be logical for the person.

@ceilng_tile Yes, I agree and that goes for anyone/everyone as well. It's one's own personal decision on CTB'ing for any/all reason.

@EternalShore I had the same sentiments too and I believe even before I was an adult, even if I didn't understand what 'CTB' is or such, I had a feeling that if I didn't get what I wanted, life wasn't worth living or is enjoyable enough to continue long term.

@Forever Sleep That's a really interesting perspective and you raised a lot of good points here. I suppose most of my life, there are indeed many (beyond the story I just told) of dreams, fantasies, goals, desires, etc. that went unfulfilled and perhaps it is a part of life. Sadly most people (and even myself currently) still cling on because of copes, distractions, adaptation, and settling, but rationally I know it's just not worth sticking around. Also, most people perhaps fear death (partly due to SI but also their own programming through religious values and such), so that's yet another factor they cling on, try to cope and distract themselves into accepting an less ideal existence or whatever suffering they face. Anyways, yes, I think what you said about adaptation and what one could do is true, even if 'we could' or 'should do' doesn't mean we would just go through the pain just to appease and continue living if that's not what we want. Hence I held the position that having just unfulfilled things and setbacks is more than sufficient for one to check out on one's own terms, without the need or say of others (or just any reason). In the end, I (speaking for myself personally) don't think I'd stick around just to live with these unfulfilled dreams, at least not the long term so whenever I'm ready and what not, I do plan to pull the trigger and go.