Freedomatlast24
Member
- May 12, 2024
- 38
I wish you could record voice-notes as I'm terrible at expression through message.
But I do want to share. I can't anywhere else.
A few weeks ago now I got an Uber all the way to 'those famous UK cliffs', chaplaincy stopped me from hanging out at my chosen spot, as did some walkers by, I was alone, had sat down nearer the edge than not & couldn't lie. I was taken back to 'safety' and my parents were contacted and all the rest. They are in the know & I've since been under the NHS crisis team (appalling, so patronizing, only one of the youngest members was pretty amazing to speak to) now I'm supposed to be doing all the right self-help things to 'recover' and basically no longer wanna CTB? EVERYTHING'S SOLVED!!!, it was just a fleeting moment... the 'medication will kick in soon & I'll get my motivation back'
Anyways I digress.
I feel humiliated if I ever went back there & dealt with the same police officers & chaplaincy members.
I've since realized there's no guarantees with the cliffs, they have constant rockfalls (especially recently with the high winds) & thus there's changes in the formation constantly. Those 'straight drops' people speak of, they've probably now got ledges to break your fall like everywhere else. In a dream world, you'd scope it all out with a drone beforehand, or just turn into a bird idk, fly around, figure the best place to drop. But yeah, too many people land on those ledges that obviously don't get reported all too often, only the 'successes'.
It feels like a distant memory because I haven't been able to speak about it but that place has such an eary calling to it, the wind was blowing in the perfect direction & it's almost like it beckoned me to the edge. I had such frustrations that I hadn't been able to explore my curiosity further, I was so frustrated. But I realise I was more likely to have slipped & fell than have actually jumped, let's be honest. But in my head I truly believed that was going to be the day. I felt so determined.
I've shared this with no one but my family (less detail) and it's since past news. They don't know how to broach such topics. They just try to wish it away.
And it really pisses me off that people think after an attempt you're now feeling different? The only difference is I realise my idealizations of jumping off the cliffs or jumping in front of a train just aren't going to happen.
But I do want to share. I can't anywhere else.
A few weeks ago now I got an Uber all the way to 'those famous UK cliffs', chaplaincy stopped me from hanging out at my chosen spot, as did some walkers by, I was alone, had sat down nearer the edge than not & couldn't lie. I was taken back to 'safety' and my parents were contacted and all the rest. They are in the know & I've since been under the NHS crisis team (appalling, so patronizing, only one of the youngest members was pretty amazing to speak to) now I'm supposed to be doing all the right self-help things to 'recover' and basically no longer wanna CTB? EVERYTHING'S SOLVED!!!, it was just a fleeting moment... the 'medication will kick in soon & I'll get my motivation back'
Anyways I digress.
I feel humiliated if I ever went back there & dealt with the same police officers & chaplaincy members.
I've since realized there's no guarantees with the cliffs, they have constant rockfalls (especially recently with the high winds) & thus there's changes in the formation constantly. Those 'straight drops' people speak of, they've probably now got ledges to break your fall like everywhere else. In a dream world, you'd scope it all out with a drone beforehand, or just turn into a bird idk, fly around, figure the best place to drop. But yeah, too many people land on those ledges that obviously don't get reported all too often, only the 'successes'.
It feels like a distant memory because I haven't been able to speak about it but that place has such an eary calling to it, the wind was blowing in the perfect direction & it's almost like it beckoned me to the edge. I had such frustrations that I hadn't been able to explore my curiosity further, I was so frustrated. But I realise I was more likely to have slipped & fell than have actually jumped, let's be honest. But in my head I truly believed that was going to be the day. I felt so determined.
I've shared this with no one but my family (less detail) and it's since past news. They don't know how to broach such topics. They just try to wish it away.
And it really pisses me off that people think after an attempt you're now feeling different? The only difference is I realise my idealizations of jumping off the cliffs or jumping in front of a train just aren't going to happen.
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im so sorry u had to go through all of that, that sounds terrible
