Danby
Just remember that the last laugh is on you
- Aug 13, 2024
- 39
Posting here because this forum is the only place I can talk about these things--I have no one to confide in, and while I do have a blog, this sort of thing really shouldn't go there, it being devoted to gaming, model building, and sports.
At any rate, I find myself at a crossroads in my life. My wife of nearly thirty years is divorcing me. I think I've come to terms with that; we both agree she is a major source of my anxiety and sadness. So far it's been amicable; we're separated but still living together as a) neither of us can afford to move out and b) I'll be damned if I'll leave my games, books, and planes behind; I'm the one who pays the effing mortgage. The plan is to sell the house once our youngest finishes college and moves out early next year, then we split the proceeds, pay off our pretty substantial debts, and go our separate ways.
So the one road goes off into the unknown, to a new life, which has me scared. I don't know where I'll be this time next year, or if I'll even be here. My soon-to-be-ex thinks I should look on it as a great adventure. In addition to suffering from depression, I'm autistic; I take comfort in routine as protection from a shitty world. This whole process is ending my world as I know it, and I do NOT like or do well with change.
There's also the logistical headache. You never know how much crap you have until you have to pack it up and move it. I sit here and type this in my mancave/dungeon under the house, and look around at my games, books, airplanes, other stuff, and wonder "how the f*ck am I going to pack all this up and move it?" And will it fit in a new place? Will I have to get a storage unit? And where will the new place be? Should I stay here in the SF Bay Area, my home (I am a native)? Move to near my mother and youngest sister and best friend from grad school in Virginia? If I do that, how do I get my things there? It's adding to my stress and anxiety and depression all at once.
And there's the worry of finding someone again. My soon-to-be-ex was my first serious girlfriend. I've never been popular with the opposite sex; women don't think of me in that way for some reason (I do have quite a few female friends). We met at a History Honors Society conference; we were both presenting papers. She invited me up to Berkeley to go book shopping; 30+ years and two kids later, here we are. She always supported and accepted my geeky hobbies and the eccentricities that go with my autism; I worry a lot about finding someone like that again. I don't want to be alone; I feel alone, even now. I even joined eharmony to kind of "get out there" but that so far has been a huge waste of time and money.
I think about ctb (the other road) a lot now . . . it started with our financial difficulties and got heightened by the impending end of my life as I know it. I'm tired of fighting . . . I'm tired of being sad and depressed all the time . . . I'm tired of worrying . . . I'm tired of being lonely. My hobbies don't make me happy any more; sometimes they seem like chores. I try to spend some family time, but that makes me sad as I know it's going away. I have a shotgun (California compliant even--it's hard to get guns in this bluest of blue states) and shells in my shopping cart at an online gun store; I just need to finish checking out and the countdown starts. I have to go get it at a local store, and I have no intention of bringing it--or me--home. I haven't quite gotten there yet . . . but I fear I will soon.
It felt good to get all that off my chest . . . thanks for reading this far.
At any rate, I find myself at a crossroads in my life. My wife of nearly thirty years is divorcing me. I think I've come to terms with that; we both agree she is a major source of my anxiety and sadness. So far it's been amicable; we're separated but still living together as a) neither of us can afford to move out and b) I'll be damned if I'll leave my games, books, and planes behind; I'm the one who pays the effing mortgage. The plan is to sell the house once our youngest finishes college and moves out early next year, then we split the proceeds, pay off our pretty substantial debts, and go our separate ways.
So the one road goes off into the unknown, to a new life, which has me scared. I don't know where I'll be this time next year, or if I'll even be here. My soon-to-be-ex thinks I should look on it as a great adventure. In addition to suffering from depression, I'm autistic; I take comfort in routine as protection from a shitty world. This whole process is ending my world as I know it, and I do NOT like or do well with change.
There's also the logistical headache. You never know how much crap you have until you have to pack it up and move it. I sit here and type this in my mancave/dungeon under the house, and look around at my games, books, airplanes, other stuff, and wonder "how the f*ck am I going to pack all this up and move it?" And will it fit in a new place? Will I have to get a storage unit? And where will the new place be? Should I stay here in the SF Bay Area, my home (I am a native)? Move to near my mother and youngest sister and best friend from grad school in Virginia? If I do that, how do I get my things there? It's adding to my stress and anxiety and depression all at once.
And there's the worry of finding someone again. My soon-to-be-ex was my first serious girlfriend. I've never been popular with the opposite sex; women don't think of me in that way for some reason (I do have quite a few female friends). We met at a History Honors Society conference; we were both presenting papers. She invited me up to Berkeley to go book shopping; 30+ years and two kids later, here we are. She always supported and accepted my geeky hobbies and the eccentricities that go with my autism; I worry a lot about finding someone like that again. I don't want to be alone; I feel alone, even now. I even joined eharmony to kind of "get out there" but that so far has been a huge waste of time and money.
I think about ctb (the other road) a lot now . . . it started with our financial difficulties and got heightened by the impending end of my life as I know it. I'm tired of fighting . . . I'm tired of being sad and depressed all the time . . . I'm tired of worrying . . . I'm tired of being lonely. My hobbies don't make me happy any more; sometimes they seem like chores. I try to spend some family time, but that makes me sad as I know it's going away. I have a shotgun (California compliant even--it's hard to get guns in this bluest of blue states) and shells in my shopping cart at an online gun store; I just need to finish checking out and the countdown starts. I have to go get it at a local store, and I have no intention of bringing it--or me--home. I haven't quite gotten there yet . . . but I fear I will soon.
It felt good to get all that off my chest . . . thanks for reading this far.
