BridgeJumper
The Arsonist
- Apr 7, 2019
- 1,194
I didnt want to describe the very thing that I want to talk about here cause its hella triggering.
I cant talk about it anywhere else.
I have gotten myself into some fucking ugly reality because of drugs, and I cant seem to get motivation to get myself out of it.
For almost 2 years I was told there is nothing wrong with my ears, when I cried and vomited from pain daily, until it turned out that I have holes open in my inner ears and there is no way to fix me cause I cant afford surgery. Somewhere along the way I started using opiates because none of otc painkillers touched the pain for real. And right now, about 1 year later from when I got hooked, I'm letting a man sexually assault me for drugs. I dont fucking want to go there and I dont fucking want to spend time with him, and I dont fucking want him to touch me, but I dont have the kinda money it takes to be addicted to anything (especially the shittiest drug in existence) and I just want to be high. So I let him. And then we get high. Actually we usually both get high right before he does it since its easier on me. I tried to tell in my outpatient therapy but I'm just getting chewed out for self destructing via agreeing to meet him. I cant tell my family, they will freak out on me and blame me. Everyday in morning group I lie that I'm getting better, I'm trying to do the task of listing whatever positives happened the day before, and then I lock myself in the bathroom to snort a line. My nose is burning inside from snorting the fuckin lines. And now I got 2 or 3 unanswered calls from him just when I thought he will leave me alone. My father patted me on the shoulder today and it reminded me of that bastard and I wanted to scream. Yet I dont have enough motivation nor will power to say no and cut him out, I want to hurt. Help me...
I cant talk about it anywhere else.
I have gotten myself into some fucking ugly reality because of drugs, and I cant seem to get motivation to get myself out of it.
For almost 2 years I was told there is nothing wrong with my ears, when I cried and vomited from pain daily, until it turned out that I have holes open in my inner ears and there is no way to fix me cause I cant afford surgery. Somewhere along the way I started using opiates because none of otc painkillers touched the pain for real. And right now, about 1 year later from when I got hooked, I'm letting a man sexually assault me for drugs. I dont fucking want to go there and I dont fucking want to spend time with him, and I dont fucking want him to touch me, but I dont have the kinda money it takes to be addicted to anything (especially the shittiest drug in existence) and I just want to be high. So I let him. And then we get high. Actually we usually both get high right before he does it since its easier on me. I tried to tell in my outpatient therapy but I'm just getting chewed out for self destructing via agreeing to meet him. I cant tell my family, they will freak out on me and blame me. Everyday in morning group I lie that I'm getting better, I'm trying to do the task of listing whatever positives happened the day before, and then I lock myself in the bathroom to snort a line. My nose is burning inside from snorting the fuckin lines. And now I got 2 or 3 unanswered calls from him just when I thought he will leave me alone. My father patted me on the shoulder today and it reminded me of that bastard and I wanted to scream. Yet I dont have enough motivation nor will power to say no and cut him out, I want to hurt. Help me...
