Honeybee
God's Favourite š¤ they/them
- Feb 14, 2026
- 25
My bestfriend might have schizophrenia. We aren't sure, she lives in the UK and the NHS is shit, but it seems to be the most likely answer. She 'checks every box,' as she once told me.
She experiences extreme paranoia (stalking, terminal illness, contamination, the government, aliens, doctors, etc.) hallucinations, delusions, losing touch with reality, narcissism, grandiose, religious delusions (fully believing she is God has been the most common.) thought echo, magical thinking, very low empathy, and very violent thoughts (including extreme racism/queerphobia, attacking or killing random people, torturing small animals and bugs, etc. THANKFULLY NO ACTIONS HAVE BEEN TAKEN, except for the deaths of many bugs and flowers.) - a complete change in her normal behaviour, thoughts, and/or feelings.
Oh, but the grandiose, paranoia, and low empathy don't go away, those are more permanent/constant...she wants to name herself God, and she has this deep-seated need to be more superior than everyone, to the point she feels worthless and suicidal when she is not special, doesn't look perfect, etc.
She says her 'strange thinking' has been happening since around 10 years old, possibly younger, and got worse around 14, when she first noticed thought echo and started feeling suicidal. I've known her since she was 16 (we're both 19+ now) and things have definitely gotten significantly worse over time. These 'episodes' of what seem like psychosis? didn't used to be so frequent, or long-lasting, or...as violent and horrific. (and no, she is not abusing substances or doing anything that might cause or influence this, it's seemingly genetic with family history.)
For several years now, I've been her only friend. The only person in her life that is able to stand her personality (she's kind of an asshole.) and the only one that actually cares about her or loves her. I think what I said in another thread might explain our dynamic a little?:
But even with that said, I can't lie and tell you it is not incredibly difficult nearly every day. I'm forced to watch my only friend decay, constantly lose herself, and experience such intense fear, anger, and despair that I can't even put into words. We get into fights all the time and it's mainly over things she cannot control, the stress of our situation, etc. She's only coherent about half the time, days to a week at best before another 'episode' starts, a complete loss of reality, that usually last days at a time. She doesn't want to ctb anymore, but when she has her 'episodes' that completely changes. It feels like I'm losing her all of the time. I used to be able to handle this (albeit, poorly). I used to have so much more patience, more support, more hope. I saved her from ctb countless times, often at the expense of myself. And now, I just can't help but feel so helpless, so lost, and guilty that I stopped her.
I feel like I'm close to giving up, which would mean she dies anyway.
...
I wrote most of this post maybe 1-2 days ago and was planning to ask for support, advice, encouraging words, anything. But honestly after last night's/today's events I kinda lost the motivation to do so and finish my thoughts. I still just want this posted/out there, so. Here we are.
She experiences extreme paranoia (stalking, terminal illness, contamination, the government, aliens, doctors, etc.) hallucinations, delusions, losing touch with reality, narcissism, grandiose, religious delusions (fully believing she is God has been the most common.) thought echo, magical thinking, very low empathy, and very violent thoughts (including extreme racism/queerphobia, attacking or killing random people, torturing small animals and bugs, etc. THANKFULLY NO ACTIONS HAVE BEEN TAKEN, except for the deaths of many bugs and flowers.) - a complete change in her normal behaviour, thoughts, and/or feelings.
Oh, but the grandiose, paranoia, and low empathy don't go away, those are more permanent/constant...she wants to name herself God, and she has this deep-seated need to be more superior than everyone, to the point she feels worthless and suicidal when she is not special, doesn't look perfect, etc.
She says her 'strange thinking' has been happening since around 10 years old, possibly younger, and got worse around 14, when she first noticed thought echo and started feeling suicidal. I've known her since she was 16 (we're both 19+ now) and things have definitely gotten significantly worse over time. These 'episodes' of what seem like psychosis? didn't used to be so frequent, or long-lasting, or...as violent and horrific. (and no, she is not abusing substances or doing anything that might cause or influence this, it's seemingly genetic with family history.)
For several years now, I've been her only friend. The only person in her life that is able to stand her personality (she's kind of an asshole.) and the only one that actually cares about her or loves her. I think what I said in another thread might explain our dynamic a little?:
But even with that said, I can't lie and tell you it is not incredibly difficult nearly every day. I'm forced to watch my only friend decay, constantly lose herself, and experience such intense fear, anger, and despair that I can't even put into words. We get into fights all the time and it's mainly over things she cannot control, the stress of our situation, etc. She's only coherent about half the time, days to a week at best before another 'episode' starts, a complete loss of reality, that usually last days at a time. She doesn't want to ctb anymore, but when she has her 'episodes' that completely changes. It feels like I'm losing her all of the time. I used to be able to handle this (albeit, poorly). I used to have so much more patience, more support, more hope. I saved her from ctb countless times, often at the expense of myself. And now, I just can't help but feel so helpless, so lost, and guilty that I stopped her.
I feel like I'm close to giving up, which would mean she dies anyway.
...
I wrote most of this post maybe 1-2 days ago and was planning to ask for support, advice, encouraging words, anything. But honestly after last night's/today's events I kinda lost the motivation to do so and finish my thoughts. I still just want this posted/out there, so. Here we are.
