Venting turn it back, i hate it here

[roseleaf]

i hate my life (don't we all?) and i honestly cant figure out why.

i was one of the top students all of middle and most of high school.
i hope i was kind to people i knew, because i really tried to be a good person. a nice person.

but despite everything, for some reason i still hated everything. every moment.

after i turned 13, i had really weird dreams and i would wake up with the oddest feelings. i would have a dream of hanging myself at least once a month. every time i woke up, no matter the dreams i had or if i woke up or not, i would ask myself, 'am i dead? what is this feeling of emptiness?'
i still don't know.

and after a while, thinking of death just became the norm. it could be walking down a hall or lying down or in the middle of a good book.

now, i just miss my life. when i loved everything and everyone around me. sometimes i wanna turn it back to when i was careless and happy. happy. happy. now when i think im happy, it's just me feeling not-sad.
usually im just numb.

i used to believe in unicorns. and magic. i begged my mom when i turned 8 for a party. we were always poor, but she gave me the party.
a lot of people on this forum don't really love their parents, and i totally understand. i never really talked to my dad because he was not so great mentally. but i love my mom. to death.

anyway, those were the good days. i miss the good days. i want to see them again. the times before i perfected that fake smile, when i wore the real one everywhere. the days when i laughed at my friends jokes. when i hung out at the park with my brother .

i want to make a time machine before i die, just to watch everything one more time before it all burns down.


this vent doesn't really make any sense to anyone but me, but if you get it, thanks. thank you for reading.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I can remember way back in my childhood when everything was good and I was quite happy, at least I think I was. I had some (conflict) going on even in my childhood, but, mostly, I think I was happy. I know it's too late for me now, but I wish I could have brought some of that happiness along with me as I made my way through adulthood.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I hope all goes well to your journey at eternal peace…. Good luck with everything

 

[purity]

i relate to you a lot, actually. i've forgotten a lot of my childhood memories and the genuine joy i'd have. now im faced with the reality of a burdening, never-ending cycle of life. but a part of me doesn't want to remember my past, almost as if it's a reminder of how much i've disappointed myself.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yes I get you, I always felt depressed even though I didn't know what I was depressed about, I think I've always had depression because I had such an ideal childhood but I was reclusive and didn't wanna join in with stuff and wasn't happy and excited about things like the other kids. I did have friends, but I wasn't in a rush to hang out with them I preferred being alone, but it was not good for me because it made me more depressed.

I just assumed I'd get my shit together once I became an adult but sadly that really didn't happen, I just had an excuse to drop out of everything and ruin my life being depressed. I'd do anything to go back to my old life as well, but we're talking 15 years ago now, a long time! It's good you have a nice mom, sorry your dad has let you down though-do you think that has anything to do with how you feel? I don't know how old you are but I think it's only natural to miss your childhood/early teens once you get in your late teens/20s, everyone misses those days. You only have to go on youtube and see the teens getting all nostalgic over a song that came out five years ago! Lol it makes me laugh cos they are still so young but all you can see is the past and how much you miss it when you reminisce like that whatever age you are. You've gotta enjoy the NOW while you are still young, and look to the future. Wish you all the best

 

[MeltingBrain]

Maybe you suffer from existential crisis ?
What did the psychiatrist say ?

 

[mapleboy]

When I look back on my childhood, everything was so much more vibrant and magical. I didn't have a care in the world, I only had to focus on being a kid and going on adventures. I never leave my apartment now unless it's to grab some food, and when I do go out, the world isn't colorful anymore. It's really depressing and it feels void of life. I also wish I could go back in time and experience the pure joy I felt as a child, you're not alone <3

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that existence certainly is so unnecessarily cruel, it must be painful wishing for past times, I get that it's awful feeling trapped in a situation that you hate. But anyway best wishes.

 

[todiefor]

I think photos speak for themselves, I think at some point around 11 photos of me drastically changed m, before that it was all care free smiles they looked so genuine, after that it was all forced smiles they never quite looked right