Trying to shut down.

[unabletocope]

The embarrassment is intense. But I'm going to confront it and turn it into something. I'm going to put an end to it and stop going in circles. I'm going to break through and jump out of this cycle, this pattern, this repetition.
I think I'm hitting that state of calm people feel before they die.
Starting to wonder what happens when you die.
My one last wish before I die is to see everything I got wrong, everything I got right, what I could have done better. Once I see that I will cross over.

 

[unabletocope]

Life is a hustle. I'm out.

 

[unabletocope]

The anxiety, nervous tension is unbearable.
Trying to condense it all into a way out.
Trying to shut down into peace.
Being able to keep up, being able to be secure. Its too much.

 

[unabletocope]

I needed someone go be there for me. People were potentially there for me and I completely screwed it up. It's hurting me and the pain of losing everything by my own actions will lead me to die.
I have put myself in impossible pain.
I caused everything to go wrong for me. I can't change that and I can't cope with that. I have weakened myself into death.
I had everything and caused it to go wrong.
Going from everything I could have had to this is too much. I don't think I'm special but I had so many things going for me and I fucked them all up. Now I just want to die.

 

[unabletocope]

I have caused my life to go wrong.
Maybe I do have issues with shame.
Maybe I finally do have a way out.
I need to get to the best place. If life is full of places, why can't death?

 

[unabletocope]

Taking time out to die.

 

[unabletocope]

Having endless anxiety spasms in public. Not fun and a great way to make everyone think you're weird/awkward/lose all of your friends/make people completely avoid you.

 

[unabletocope]

People don't help, they push. Life is an endless push, an automatic robotic automated relentless push that we are all caught in the middle of, the machine keeps on pushing and we are all caught in between, in the middle underneath or on top. I think I'm somewhere in the middle/underneath, which drives me to feel suicidal. I think I'm about to collapse and lose everything.

 

[unabletocope]

Feeling suicidal again. Balancing it out for now.

 

[unabletocope]

Feeling suicidal, though much lighter than earlier. Eating and drinking again. Self harming. Will probably relapse into stronger feelings later, for now I am out of it, too exhausted to feel.

 

[unabletocope]

Back to suicide. I know I did myself in. It was too important. Trying to kill myself in 2022 was the right call. The number 16 is real. The number 19 makes sense. I handled being homeless fine. I walked into being scammed over SN by an 18 year old, if I wasn't so volatile over my suicidal feelings perhaps it wouldn't have happened. I have stabilised feelings since March, things are a lot clearer to me and that is helping me to decide. But I am also on edge, I self harm I starve. I get on better with people, I communicate more directly and engage myself with more connection. But I am also suffering very hard, I ask for too much from my parents, they work hard hours on very little while I sit at home with the luxury to sleep when I want, eat freely, spend money freely, have endless free time. There's a real disconnect here and I feel constantly about to shatter, I feel its unsustainable and I'm going to crash, people around me are going to crash. The fear of that is very intense and will push me to kill myself. For now I'm just trying to settle what I can, I need to stop asking for help and support from people who are struggling themselves but at the same time I can't ask for help from people and places who are more likely to come down hard on me and affect the stability I've already got. I don't want the freedom to die on my terms taken away from me, if I go homeless again I will probably be in a better place to take SN but then again I can't tell. I am a leech.
I am not a real man.
There was no edge to me. The last 10 years I have been nothing more than a punchbag for everyone else's edge. I am going to die.

 

[unabletocope]

I needed a secure person. Someone low-key, someone who I felt could be a counterweight. I dropped out of university, needed to steady, keeping going while needing to steady. I just needed to be sure someone was there for me, was prepared to be there for me while I picked myself up. I completely misread it and my whole life has collapsed. 10 years and everything has snowballed. I'm not going to make it 20. All I'm doing now is channelling myself to the most secure place I can to make an attempt that I feel will work, apparently in 2022 when I took a promethazine overdose despite what this forum says the amount I took caused me to stop breathing and I nearly died, I think I will repeat it if necessary.

 

[unabletocope]

I caused things to go wrong for me. I will put it right. I will cross over into death.
I got things wrong. I am insignificant. I may be insignificant but screwing yourself up has nothing to fo with personal insignificance. I am caught up again a corner, the pressure is slowly crushing me to death and when it hits my limit then I am out. Not a graceful way to go but I brought it all on myself, mindless mental health support isn't going to change that.

 

[unabletocope]

Pinch point. Trying to blank out my life. May just take an overdose tonight.
It's not recommended but I took one in 2022 and apparently I stopped breathing, why wouldn't the same thing happen again?
I want to die but I want to put it off as well, just because I know how hard it will hit and how it's the final bell toll, the real concrete kick that hammers down 'I fucked up my life'. Maybe I already hit that when I overdosed in 2022, probably in 2013. I just want peace without stress, without pressure, it's all impossible.
The pressure is coming.
I just need to crumble and it can be done.

 

[unabletocope]

I'm going to rest into shutting down, into crumbling.
Should I overdose tonight? I'm not sure.
I think I'm starting to sink.
Starting to pull the plug.
Blank everything out.

 

[unabletocope]

I don't need to feel the anxiety of my failure any more. I don't need to keep running around, trying to hold on.
I am the most isolated person alive. I got things wrong for myself. I just need to work that isolation into a option and I'll be done.
No obligations. Just a failed life. Everyone is gone, it's just me. Me and my failure. I would like to leave it all behind.
The more I talk about suffering, the longer I stay alive. I need to shut down.
I am about to shatter.
Complete hollowness.
Hollowness will lead me to the solution.
Being cool. I nearly made it.
Cut the dramatics. Do something. End the tensions.

 

[unabletocope]

Estranged.
Completely estranged from life.
Need to break the feeling of desperation. Don't know if I can do it tonight.

 

[unabletocope]

Edge. I never had it. I screwed it up.
The momentum was with me once. And then I fucked it up.
It's weird. I'm an nervous wreck and want to die, but some of the anxiety shifted last night. Still working towards death but it's nice to do it with less anxiety. Doesn't change the fact I am the loser of losers but at least I'm in a place to focus on suicide more pragmatically.
I fucked up the life I needed.

 

[unabletocope]

I screwed everything up for myself. I will never survive. But I'm feeling more secure with dying. People will always laugh at me and the way I screwed up everything for myself. I will never be able to get them back. But I can accept I am going to die. That's okay.
It feels nice to disconnect.
Life is like 'whatever'. Everyone says 'whatever'. Whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever. Its the perfect word to kill yourself to.
Indifference.

 

[unabletocope]

Whatever. All I can feel is the word whatever, the way I screwed up.

 

[unabletocope]

Talking to people is completely pointless. All other people will do is suit themselves, not you. Everything in life has to be done by your own hand. Asking for help is completely pointless. Whatever! Whatever? Whatever@ Whatever6 Whatever% Whatever£ Whatever] Whatever>
Life is one giant state of whatever, one big puddle of crap that you drown in. Feel the stench, feel the boil, feel the drowning!
You have to help yourself in this life. Help from another human being is an abstract concept. A figment of imagination.
Help yourself, personsl responsibility above everything else, there is no help
If you are not a hard-core gangsta wagwan playa social media timetravelling influencer life is impossible and will never work for you. Sorry. Top yourself while you can, you're not the one who's making the babies they are. Pathetic useless little incel.

 

[unabletocope]

Holier than thou. Going to hit my limit, going to kill myself once and for all.

 

[unabletocope]

Mixed. Trying to grind my will down to die, trying to focus my will towards suicide.
Just become impossibly selfish. Go out with a bang.
Go nuclear.

 

[unabletocope]

Suicidal. I am withering away, getting ready to die. Life is being battered and beaten down on a daily basis, there's only so much I can take.

 

[unabletocope]

I'm so insecure. I want to shut down. I've felt more secure about shutting down. I have got the meds I need to die, to shut down. But I'm so insecure about dying. That's why I haven't. I've made a strong struggle. I've struggled and struggled and struggled, tried to struggle my way out of dying. But I'm at the end. I just need to do it and get it over with.

 

[unabletocope]

I'm getting there. I'm going to move on.
I will deactivate my account when I have made up my mind on what I will take. I sense it will be like a match to a fuse, the charge will build up and the right method will come through.

 

[unabletocope]

In a and e. Got picked up off the street after self harming. At this point I just want to die.

 

[unabletocope]

At this point suicide is a necessity. I'm getting weirder and weirder, I can't fall down any harder in life.

 

[unabletocope]

I can't cope. Need to kill myself.
Too much has gone wrong for me to cope with.
The colder it gets, the more I am told to bury things, the more inclined I am to die, the more focused I am on an attempt. The more I struggle to cope, the closer I become to an attempt, the more secure I feel with an attempt. You told me to bury things, you weren't prepared to give me a chance to talk about things so I could at the very least make an attempt to get secure with things. I'm going to kill myself.