Story Trying to repurchase SN got me put in hospital

[CyanideSoup]

I already had SN and was ready to attempt suicide on Saturday. But during a physical altercation between me and my boyfriend he managed to remove the SN from me as I was about to take it. He called the ambulance even though I hadn't done anything and they sent me up to A&E. Here I had a mental health assessment where I was told to 'have faith' and was sent on my way. I tried to repurchase on Sunday but couldn't find a UK seller. My boyfriend saw my search history and told the mental health team on Monday that I was looking to buy SN again and they came and did a mental health act assessment and sent me to the psych ward on Monday evening.

Moral of the story is don't try and repurchase SN straight after an attempt and clear your browser history folks.


PS. Don't have a fever in the middle of a pandemic and get sectioned because they shove a big swab up your nose and keep you in a small dingey room with no contact with anyone else and it fucking suckssssss. Thank god for internet.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. It sounds absolutely horrible. I also can't help but feel angry at your bf for trying to interfere, but it's possible that he thought he was doing the right thing because he isn't in a position to be able to understand your reasoning in a way that the people on SS can. Hopefully you will get another chance to try SN sometime in the future, even if it means putting it off for a while just to avoid someone stopping you again.

 

[Kumachan]

Have you tried to have a conversation with your bf about ctb? Clearly he knows about your intent anyway...

 

[AnnonyBox]

Your boyfriend clearly doesn't respect you or your wishes. He's the common denominator that got you sent to the hospital twice. Have a talk with him.

 

[Orpheus*]

Your boyfriend clearly doesn't respect you or your wishes. He's the common denominator that got you sent to the hospital twice. Have a talk with him.

Agree. I totally understand him not wanting you to die, but everybody has the right to CTB (I think it's a human right tbh) and he should respect that for you. Psych wards never fucking help anyway lol, especially not when you're sent involuntarily. The most they do is stabilize you for a bit but nothing actually changes.

 

[autumnal]

I already had SN and was ready to attempt suicide on Saturday. But during a physical altercation between me and my boyfriend he managed to remove the SN from me as I was about to take it. He called the ambulance even though I hadn't done anything and they sent me up to A&E. Here I had a mental health assessment where I was told to 'have faith' and was sent on my way. I tried to repurchase on Sunday but couldn't find a UK seller. My boyfriend saw my search history and told the mental health team on Monday that I was looking to buy SN again and they came and did a mental health act assessment and sent me to the psych ward on Monday evening.

Moral of the story is don't try and repurchase SN straight after an attempt and clear your browser history folks.


PS. Don't have a fever in the middle of a pandemic and get sectioned because they shove a big swab up your nose and keep you in a small dingey room with no contact with anyone else and it fucking suckssssss. Thank god for internet.

It would seem your boyfriend cares about you and doesn't want you to suicide. That's hardly surprising, and I'm quite puzzled by the logic behind the other responses criticising him. You know his feelings, and that they are unlikely to change. So if you still want to suicide, then you either need to hide it from him better, or break up with him. Not that the second option will stop him caring, but it will at least make him less likely to discover your plans. FYI the ambulance is often the preferred option for transporting a non-violent psychiatric patient, so you shouldn't be surprised they came despite you not having actually taken the SN.

Is there any possibility that you are actually feeling ambivalent about suicide? Getting into a physical altercation about the SN, and failing to clear your search history, both seem like really basic mistakes to have made, and it makes me wonder whether perhaps part of you wants to be saved?

 

[Darkhaven]

True Moral of the story: DON'T LET AN ANNOYING DICK CONTROL YOUR LIFE!

 

[autumnal]

True Moral of the story: DON'T LET AN ANNOYING DICK CONTROL YOUR LIFE!

The boyfriend is an annoying dick because he wants his girlfriend not to suicide? This is the polarising mindset I was talking about not understanding earlier.

No matter how suicidal we may be, and how casually and clinically the topic is discussed here, we should never lose sight of that fact that the majority of people don't share our viewpoint on ending a life. That doesn't make them annoying, controlling or disrespectful. It makes them optimistic and human, and when expressed through sincere and well-intentioned efforts to keep you alive, it makes them fundamentally decent.

Which isn't meant to imply that those of us who are suicidal and/or pro-choice are somehow inhuman or indecent. But our view is certainly out of the mainstream, and it would show some humility for people to realise that and not unfairly attack or criticise those who genuinely care about us.

 

[Martyn]

Mental health hospitals in uk and crisis team I found to be the biggest waste of time absolutely rubbish . Sorry to hear what you are having to go through

 

[Quarky00]

True Moral of the story: DON'T LET AN ANNOYING DICK CONTROL YOUR LIFE!

I was going to write that -- though toned down and jokingly (yet kept my mouth shut out of respect)

I was thinking like @autumnal, what would I expect a person to do, be a complicit and assist a suicide?

At the same time I see the argument against that as the OP implied: why report authorities and have a person sanctioned instead of talking, especially when there's no imminent danger? The SN was taken so why a hospital and inflict more pain? Maybe he couldn't handle it, maybe he saw no point in talking to OP, or saw no way of controlling her.. Still a bit jerky.

I can see both sides, I still feel he simply didn't handle it well, regardless of his position. A person has a right to object to another person's ctb (especially if they care) -- just act with sensitivity.

 

[rasputin]

The boyfriend is an annoying dick because he wants his girlfriend not to suicide? This is the polarising mindset I was talking about not understanding earlier.

No matter how suicidal we may be, and how casually and clinically the topic is discussed here, we should never lose sight of that fact that the majority of people don't share our viewpoint on ending a life. That doesn't make them annoying, controlling or disrespectful. It makes them optimistic and human, and when expressed through sincere and well-intentioned efforts to keep you alive, it makes them fundamentally decent.

Which isn't meant to imply that those of us who are suicidal and/or pro-choice are somehow inhuman or indecent. But our view is certainly out of the mainstream, and it would show some humility for people to realise that and not unfairly attack or criticise those who genuinely care about us.

I agree with you, however I think some of the bitterness and criticism stems from the fact that other people's "caring about us" results in nothing but more suffering. And the suffering drives someone to suicide in the first place, so compounding that is horrible. All the good intentions in the world don't mean shit when you're in the psych ward.

Even though their intentions are decent - they're inflicting an incredible amount of suffering "for your own good" by sectioning you. That shouldn't be someone else's call to make. I'm fine with family members calling for a mental health team in theory, just to make sure you're ok, but unfortunately that almost always results in getting locked in a psych ward. This, this is the part I have a major problem with. I've visited friends in the psych ward and, holy hell, I wouldn't wish a mental hospital on my worst enemy. Truly torturous for many people.

I'm not blaming the boyfriend for doing the typical mainstream thing and trying to save his SO from suicide. It's not his fault that the mental health care system is so evil. But I also understand why there might be anger directed at his decision.

 

[Luchs]

I already had SN and was ready to attempt suicide on Saturday. But during a physical altercation between me and my boyfriend he managed to remove the SN from me as I was about to take it. He called the ambulance even though I hadn't done anything and they sent me up to A&E. Here I had a mental health assessment where I was told to 'have faith' and was sent on my way. I tried to repurchase on Sunday but couldn't find a UK seller. My boyfriend saw my search history and told the mental health team on Monday that I was looking to buy SN again and they came and did a mental health act assessment and sent me to the psych ward on Monday evening.

Moral of the story is don't try and repurchase SN straight after an attempt and clear your browser history folks.


PS. Don't have a fever in the middle of a pandemic and get sectioned because they shove a big swab up your nose and keep you in a small dingey room with no contact with anyone else and it fucking suckssssss. Thank god for internet.

That's why I use Tor and generally wipe my browser history daily. If people found the websites I'm visiting I'd be thrown into a mental asylum in no time.

 

[autumnal]

I was going to write that -- though toned down and jokingly (yet kept my mouth shut out of respect)

I was thinking like @autumnal, what would I expect a person to do, be a complicit and assist a suicide?

At the same time I see the argument against that as the OP implied: why report authorities and have a person sanctioned instead of talking, especially when there's no imminent danger? The SN was taken so why a hospital and inflict more pain? Maybe he couldn't handle it, maybe he saw no point in talking to OP, or saw no way of controlling her.. Still a bit jerky.

I can see both sides, I still feel he simply didn't handle it well, regardless of his position. A person has a right to object to another person's ctb (especially if they care) -- just act with sensitivity.

Looking at it from the boyfriend's point of view, discovering the SN meant he had clear evidence that the OP had both the intention and the means to kill themselves right at that instant. Just because he took the SN away doesn't mean they couldn't have gone and achieved the same thing with a knife or a rope or jumping etc.

Remember, that we here are privy to reading about the OP's innermost thoughts and motivations. But nobody in the OP's real-life situation is a mindreader or knows any of these things. To them, they are seeing valid evidence that the OP is at absolute peak suicide risk. Furthermore, in this case there isn't even any indication from the OP to us that their suicide risk had internally passed. Even with the SN taken away, the boyfriend can't be expected to watch the OP constantly in order to ensure they can't attempt. Hell, even psychiatric hospitals can't always prevent suicides, and they have dedicated staff and tight environmental controls. There's no way that a partner or family could provide a remotely similar level of safety – nor should they be expected to. You wouldn't ask your family to treat you for a physical illness, so why would you expect them to know how to experly handle a mental one? And right when the boyfriend is doing his (untrained) best to assess her future suicide risk, he discovers she has immediately tried to repurchase SN. What else is he supposed to think other than that she is still an iminent suicide risk?

I agree with you, however I think some of the bitterness and criticism stems from the fact that other people's "caring about us" results in nothing but more suffering. And the suffering drives someone to suicide in the first place, so compounding that is horrible. All the good intentions in the world don't mean shit when you're in the psych ward.

Even though their intentions are decent - they're inflicting an incredible amount of suffering "for your own good" by sectioning you. That shouldn't be someone else's call to make. I'm fine with family members calling for a mental health team in theory, just to make sure you're ok, but unfortunately that almost always results in getting locked in a psych ward. This, this is the part I have a major problem with. I've visited friends in the psych ward and, holy hell, I wouldn't wish a mental hospital on my worst enemy. Truly torturous for many people.

I'm not blaming the boyfriend for doing the typical mainstream thing and trying to save his SO from suicide. It's not his fault that the mental health care system is so evil. But I also understand why there might be anger directed at his decision.

But what would be the point calling for a mental health team just to make sure you were OK, if that team did not have the ultimate ability to hospitalise someone who was at imminent risk of suicide? It's like calling an ambulance who can take your pulse but who can't use a defibrillator if you need one. Perhaps you might think sectioning is an option taken too often or disproportionately to the actual risk of suicide, but few would argue that it isn't needed as a last resort to save lives. Psychiatry is still somewhat of a blunt instrument via medical standards, but it is all there is.

 

[Secrets1]

The boyfriend is an annoying dick because he wants his girlfriend not to suicide? This is the polarising mindset I was talking about not understanding earlier.

No matter how suicidal we may be, and how casually and clinically the topic is discussed here, we should never lose sight of that fact that the majority of people don't share our viewpoint on ending a life. That doesn't make them annoying, controlling or disrespectful. It makes them optimistic and human, and when expressed through sincere and well-intentioned efforts to keep you alive, it makes them fundamentally decent.

Which isn't meant to imply that those of us who are suicidal and/or pro-choice are somehow inhuman or indecent. But our view is certainly out of the mainstream, and it would show some humility for people to realise that and not unfairly attack or criticise those who genuinely care about us.

well said big +1. Hope people take time to read it.

Been on the opposite end from family trying to do the same, they were just acting out of fear ignorance, and frankly some love... not knowing how to act so calling someone they think does. The same thing wouldn't happen now that everyone is more informed. I was livid at the time but looking back years later it is totally understandable. They felt helpless like many of us but in a different way.

 

[Quarky00]

But nobody in the OP's real-life situation is a mindreader or knows any of these things. To them, they are seeing valid evidence that the OP is at absolute peak suicide risk. Furthermore, in this case there isn't even any indication from the OP to us that their suicide risk had internally passed. Even with the SN taken away, the boyfriend can't be expected to watch the OP constantly in order to ensure they can't attempt. Hell, even psychiatric hospitals can't always prevent suicides, and they have dedicated staff and tight environmental controls. There's no way that a partner or family could provide a remotely similar level of safety – nor should they be expected to. You wouldn't ask your family to treat you for a physical illness, so why would you expect them to know how to experly handle a mental one? And right when the boyfriend is doing his (untrained) best to assess her future suicide risk, he discovers she has immediately tried to repurchase SN. What else is he supposed to think other than that she is still an iminent suicide risk?

Very well put. I still feel this could have been handled more compassionately, but you are right. Members here detailed numerous times how their family/mother is watching them constantly and how hard it is for both sides. Many times however family support works better than hospital. Clearly not in psychotic situations but otherwise. And many times that's not feasible.

I just feel that being sent to the hospital, where treatment is often lacking or harmful, and against one's own will, is horrible. I think all options should be exhausted before that happens. I know it's not always possible and we don't know what happened (You detailed it very well and I agree). There is no right answer here.

 

[autumnal]

@L0ne1ygh0st, there has been a lot of discussion here by myself and others about your boyfriend and how his actions were viewed. I would be interested to hear your thoughts on some of the ideas and suggestions raised.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I'm sorry, but the real lesson here is "don't let anybody see your private information/ search history".

The title makes it seem like the police tracked you down because of SN.

That said, I hope that our mental health "services" let me off as quickly as they did you should my attempt fail.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

This is awful and I am very sorry for the OP.
@L0ne1ygh0st could you maybe elaborate about the fight, and about how they knew you had SN and was planning on taking it?

What I don't understand is why the OP is in a ward just for googling stuff. Was Casey Anthony convicted for googling chloroform and other stuff? No (hope I'm not derailing the thread).

Guys and ladies, please do not forget there is also private browsing! Hugs

 

[Vault of Memories]

Your boyfriend clearly doesn't respect you or your wishes. He's the common denominator that got you sent to the hospital twice. Have a talk with him.

True Moral of the story: DON'T LET AN ANNOYING DICK CONTROL YOUR LIFE!

You've got to understand the reason you have this mindset is because you too probably are suffering from suicidal thoughts and plan on ctb. Suffering in this world and would be pissed off if someone were to come in between you and ctb.

I don't believe the boyfriend should be bashed for trying to save someone he loves from death. I have no doubt in my mind that he has no idea what kind of pain OP is going through, but I'm sure he thinks he did what is right and believes some psychiatric assistance could help OP change their mind. Not everyone in the world is going to let someone they love just commit suicide as they just watch. Although he will never fully comprehend why you were resorting to such an act, it most certainly doesn't make him a dick. Just my opinion of course...

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I think the moral of the story is to password protect your computer so people can't go look at your search history, don't try to kill yourself when other people are around and can see you do it, and don't tell people about your plans.

Maybe OP was ambivalent about ctb...?

 

[a.n.kirillov]

What the boyfriend did is understandable, because he may have had good intent and lacked knowledge; but in a free society the reaction from the police should be: sorry, we can only talk to a person/ help them if they want to talk to us/ want our help, and psychiatry should be a service for those who request it.

 

[AnnonyBox]

You've got to understand the reason you have this mindset is because you too probably are suffering from suicidal thoughts and plan on ctb. Suffering in this world and would be pissed off if someone were to come in between you and ctb.

I don't believe the boyfriend should be bashed for trying to save someone he loves from death. I have no doubt in my mind that he has no idea what kind of pain OP is going through, but I'm sure he thinks he did what is right and believes some psychiatric assistance could help OP change their mind. Not everyone in the world is going to let someone they love just commit suicide as they just watch. Although he will never fully comprehend why you were resorting to such an act, it most certainly doesn't make him a dick. Just my opinion of course...

I get that, I'm to the point that I've cut anyone out of my life that doesn't believe in my right to choice, so I tend to view anyone who would believe otherwise very harshly. He probably does think he's helping, but he dodsn't have any good options.
T

This topic is very important. I have made it very clear in my note that I would have liked to talk openly to some of my friends and family about this (it was only possible with one of them), but this wouldn't have been met with respect.

This is dehumanization.

What the boyfriend did is understandable, because he may have had good intent and lacked knowledge; but in a free society the reaction from the police should be: sorry, we can only talk to a person/ help them if they want to talk to us/ want our help, and psychiatry should be a service for those who request it.

This exactly, more than anything I was upset with society as a whole, when I made my post.

 

[I screwed up]

Maybe i am missing the point here .. But rather than discuss the BF and judge his actions what is important is if the OP has made up her mind if she wants to ctb or is undecided. If she has then she needs to be more discreet n plan better

 

[BeeLoyal]

Have you tried to have a conversation with your bf about ctb? Clearly he knows about your intent anyway...

I don't think somebody who truly loves you will help you or let you ctb. You have to do it behind their backs. And you have to know that you will hurt them. A lot.