Trying to recover

[Cocoon]

I am desperately trying to slough my way through life. I have been abused in so many ways, struggle with physical and mental illness, and just feel...exhausted. I have recently come out as a trans man and am transitioning, and feel more security in my sexuality and gender than ever. But now there is crippling dysphoria I had always pushed to the back of my mind. My one best friend does not support me, my family does not support me, and I have already met cruelty for it in my day to day and I haven't even started hrt yet. I have joined a trans support group, I have taken steps to be more healthy, continued medication and therapy, done everything right... And still there is so much suicidal ideation. I feel like I will never escape my pain and truly recover. I have a partner who loves me, more friends than I did before... But I still feel as if I have no future. I struggle to work and make money. I struggle to do everything. How can I recover and move forward when death seems like the solution to all my problems?

 

[Teardrop2021]

I can relate so much. My circumstances are different but like you I am trying so hard to recover and still feel like I am not making any progress. I have tried many medications, therapies, meditation, exercise, support groups, yet I constantly wish I could be euthanized (I refuse to call it suicide). I have a loving spouse so I am making my best effort to recover or at least get to a tolerable place, but I have told him that I'm not willing to suffer forever. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I'm still in this much pain I feel like the humane thing to do would be to allow me to go (I have already purchased N as a backup). However I still very much hope it won't come to that. Maybe we could encourage each other. I'm actually in a residential treatment center getting round the clock help, but I feel like if this doesn't help me nothing will.