Lavínia
Entropy meat
- Feb 19, 2024
- 9
My bf broke up with me. I spent two months getting to know my new job, adapting, meeting people, trying to quickly reach some goal, some conclusion. My bf was like a job, yeah. He took up a lot of my mind. What does he think? What can I do for him? How am I going to talk to him today? What are the plans? What do I wear? How do I look? How do I think? Blah, Blah, Blah. Obviously everything became empty and I was kind of lost in all of this... and then I decided to talk to him again. We broke up on good terms, and we talked normally afterwards. But it was so empty... so...so... I felt more and more that "this doesn't seem real". Now, with this ending, my job... became routine, with one crisis or another but still routine. I'm just living... day... day... day... and another day.
In a conversation with my psychologist we talked about a feeling I've always had. That things should end. When I was a child and had a really good day, I would lie in bed and think: "I did everything well, got good grades, talked a lot, managed to express what I feel, my responsibilities... everything was perfect... it could end here...". But it never ended, a new day came, and another. When that good feeling came back, the cycle repeated.
My psychologist talked about the cycle and routine, how everything is based on repetition, again, again, again. I already knew that, but seeing her talking and trying to make it beautiful or poetic... motivating? That's when I had a click in my head, I realized that this was a big part of my suffering, and it was the first time I felt disgusted by something. Such grotesque disgust, such revulsion... but there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm continuing with the routine. There are still 2 years until the date I set to use SN. I don't know if that's too much or too little time. Even the agony is getting monotonous. I need to do something, have something. But it seems so fake.
In a conversation with my psychologist we talked about a feeling I've always had. That things should end. When I was a child and had a really good day, I would lie in bed and think: "I did everything well, got good grades, talked a lot, managed to express what I feel, my responsibilities... everything was perfect... it could end here...". But it never ended, a new day came, and another. When that good feeling came back, the cycle repeated.
My psychologist talked about the cycle and routine, how everything is based on repetition, again, again, again. I already knew that, but seeing her talking and trying to make it beautiful or poetic... motivating? That's when I had a click in my head, I realized that this was a big part of my suffering, and it was the first time I felt disgusted by something. Such grotesque disgust, such revulsion... but there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm continuing with the routine. There are still 2 years until the date I set to use SN. I don't know if that's too much or too little time. Even the agony is getting monotonous. I need to do something, have something. But it seems so fake.
