trying to hang in there

[Sinkinshyp]

I am struggling with recovery. I can't stop thinking about ctb. About a week or so before Christmas I thought about a New years exit. I can't do that to my son, nieces and nephews so close to Christmas. I would ruin it for them totally forever. My heart is shattered in millions of pieces. If my family didn't live here I think I would have gone Christmas, yeah it was that painful. I'm sick of being over medicated to space case land and still feeling like I want to F'ing die.

What do you do to stop your ctb thoughts? are there any antidepressants that you have tried that worked? I might see if my doc will take me off some of mine and try something different since my meds really aren't doing more than stupefying me.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I wish real hugs fixed it all and all I can offer you are virtual ones.
We are here for you if you want to hold our metaphorical hands to hang in there. We got you.

 

[Life_and_Death]

in a round about way its been helping me. buspirone. and it doesnt make me feel any different just....quieter. im thinking about an antidepressant to go with it but havent chosen one yet

 

[Goodbye710]

My heart also got shattered. Hard to live. My heart is doing a lot better so not sure when I'll pass away either. It might be a long time.

Having TV off a lot and making sure to go out each day helps and letting sun come in through windows and hit me while I'm on the couch.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I wish I could help. Medications never worked for me, just made everything more complicated. I hate to say this in a way, but it appears to be true for me: fresh air, light and exercise seem to help me. Plus a better diet than I used to have. It's just not easy to do all that when you are depressed and/or suicidal. I did it in tiny steps and eventually found I became addicted to walking in the woods - if more than a day goes by without going out there, I start to feel antsy.

 

[Hyperborean]

I am struggling with recovery. I can't stop thinking about ctb. About a week or so before Christmas I thought about a New years exit. I can't do that to my son, nieces and nephews so close to Christmas. I would ruin it for them totally forever. My heart is shattered in millions of pieces. If my family didn't live here I think I would have gone Christmas, yeah it was that painful. I'm sick of being over medicated to space case land and still feeling like I want to F'ing die.

What do you do to stop your ctb thoughts? are there any antidepressants that you have tried that worked? I might see if my doc will take me off some of mine and try something different since my meds really aren't doing more than stupefying me.

Definitely talk to your doctor about changing medication if it's not working.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I wish real hugs fixed it all and all I can offer you are virtual ones.
We are here for you if you want to hold our metaphorical hands to hang in there. We got you.

thank you, virtual hugs back to you.

in a round about way its been helping me. buspirone. and it doesnt make me feel any different just....quieter. im thinking about an antidepressant to go with it but havent chosen one yet

I'm glad the burpirone is helping you. Doc increased my xanax this month to 2mg 3x a day vs 1mg 1x a day. I take antidepressants and sleeping meds to. I just am not sure how much my anti depressant is working. I asked for a change a couple of months ago and primary care doesn't know what to give me he has had me on everything he can think of. Hoping someone mentions something he has NOT tried. When/if you do start an anti depressant I hope they find the right one from the start.

My heart also got shattered. Hard to live. My heart is doing a lot better so not sure when I'll pass away either. It might be a long time.

Having TV off a lot and making sure to go out each day helps and letting sun come in through windows and hit me while I'm on the couch.

I'm sorry your heart is shattered to. I'm glad it's a little better. I don't watch TV only youtube movie, documentary or some binural beats at night when I'm going to sleep. Which maybe I'll make a thread about binural beats. Thank you for advice- I don't go out and don't get sunlight. As it's been mention on this thread 2x maybe I need to start slow.

I wish I could help. Medications never worked for me, just made everything more complicated. I hate to say this in a way, but it appears to be true for me: fresh air, light and exercise seem to help me. Plus a better diet than I used to have. It's just not easy to do all that when you are depressed and/or suicidal. I did it in tiny steps and eventually found I became addicted to walking in the woods - if more than a day goes by without going out there, I start to feel antsy.

Thank you. Yeah I don't go out. I let my entire family move into my house and I stay in my room. Having my 3 little nephews here is very bitter sweet- we have a special bond and it brings me joy when I go to kitchen to grab coffee and they all see me out of my room. It's a rush of hugs Aunt Shyp Aunt Shyp but the pain in my heart for my sons it also kills me. Diet I sometimes am to depressed to eat for a couple of days. My brother or sister in law cook and they always bring me a plate to my room but I just can't eat. I'm not hungry. Fresh air, light and exercise- thank you. It's been mentioned 2x on this thread. I do need to get out of my room and see the front yard more I guess. I'll be out there today we had a freeze warning 2 days in a row and I am not sure my special plants are ok. I was to depressed, full of anxiety to bring them in and now I feel bad. 1 was from my sons memorial service.

sorry for replying late I hadn't slept at all so I didn't want to reply with such a brain fog. Thank you guys.

 

[Life_and_Death]

When/if you do start an anti depressant I hope they find the right one from the start.

They? I do all of my own work. I plan on starting antidepressant research today. My next appointment isn't until April of I remember right so I'm sure I can come up with something between now and then.

The way I look at it is no one knows me better then me. As long as I'm honest with myself, I don't see why I need a therapist and a psychiatrist..... Well sadly I can't prescribe my own meds lol. If you do it yourself, you have no one else to blame but yourself. A doctor can prescribe you something but they don't know you. If you read about it and find you don't feel comfortable with the possible side effects expecially if you're like me and more likely to have the major side effects, then dont take it.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

They? I do all of my own work. I plan on starting antidepressant research today. My next appointment isn't until April of I remember right so I'm sure I can come up with something between now and then.

The way I look at it is no one knows me better then me. As long as I'm honest with myself, I don't see why I need a therapist and a psychiatrist..... Well sadly I can't prescribe my own meds lol. If you do it yourself, you have no one else to blame but yourself. A doctor can prescribe you something but they don't know you. If you read about it and find you don't feel comfortable with the possible side effects expecially if you're like me and more likely to have the major side effects, then dont take it.

Thats excellent you have done all your own research and you bring up a good point here. I'm looking forward to seeing more articles later. I haven't researched much because I planned to ctb. If I am to be in any mental shape to be with my younger son I NEED to get out of this I want to die every second mode.

I had cancer at 18. I just said ok to whatever they wanted to do to me. They were the "doctor team" they knew what they were doing! My cancer was to far advanced for 1st surgeon so I ended up with a specialized surgeon- 4 surgeries in a month! He went insane ripping parts out of my throat and upper chest. Caused long term damage- muscles ripped out from front of neck to make sure all lymph nodes were removed and any cancerous tissue. He took parts out and had stat biopsies done to see how far to go. Granted, I've been cancer free to my knowledge for 31 years almost. They didn't know but I have a congenital fusion in my cervical spine. The muscles left to do all the work in the back of neck are non stop rock hard spasm. The congenital fusion- weakened my spine more so the surery leaving little left and the fusion everything is pinched, crushed, spine bending backwards-kyphosis. They can't do surgery yet because right now I need a 4 level fusion. The discs below are being affected over time. 4 level fusion is unheard of- so they want to wait until I'm almost paralyzed and I will be a major surgery unheard of- by than who knows how many levels.

Than a specialist team 2 hrs away- A doctor I really liked pulled out of the team I didn't know why. Went through radiation therapy- had to drink it. I was radioactive in a room with blue foam padding on EVERYTHING even the walls. Only guys in white suits with their clicky radiation counters could enter my room. Anything I touched- even my umm bathroom had to be collected because I was that radioactive. It was like a damn horror movie. Anyway about hmm 5 years later I was moving to another state and collected my medical records. I read through them and the doc i really liked had a letter and articles in the packet. He point blank told the rest of the team- giving that level of radioactive iodine to a radio resistant especially 18 year old would have detrimental affects. He is refusing to participate further if they intended to administer that amount of radioactive iodine to me. He included some studies about why they should not have done it. After that I learned about all the things that are with my health.

Ever since the cancer until my son died- I have been very active in my medical care. I have a medical knowledge on quite a bit of things as I have multiple genetic issues and hereditary as well as always had health issues. I call myself a big genetic defect. After my son died I've been just letting the doc do whatever as far as meds for my mental state. Health wise I can call him tell him what I need and he calls it in. He knows I know my body and what I need. Mentally I don't know what other than xanax.. it's the only thing I can depend on my xanax. so yeah hopefully what happened to my at 18 sharing so much someone can see WHY it's very important to learn and do their own research like you have.. thats very impressive doing it on your own for 4 years. My mental state for the last 3 has been Fu'k I woke up again, why am I not dead yet....pop pills and all through the day pills. Between physical and mental health I'm way medicated... *edit* with the internet everyone has knowledge at their finger tips its great..

 

[Deleted member 1465]

thank you, virtual hugs back to you.

I'm glad the burpirone is helping you. Doc increased my xanax this month to 2mg 3x a day vs 1mg 1x a day. I take antidepressants and sleeping meds to. I just am not sure how much my anti depressant is working. I asked for a change a couple of months ago and primary care doesn't know what to give me he has had me on everything he can think of. Hoping someone mentions something he has NOT tried. When/if you do start an anti depressant I hope they find the right one from the start.

I'm sorry your heart is shattered to. I'm glad it's a little better. I don't watch TV only youtube movie, documentary or some binural beats at night when I'm going to sleep. Which maybe I'll make a thread about binural beats. Thank you for advice- I don't go out and don't get sunlight. As it's been mention on this thread 2x maybe I need to start slow.

Thank you. Yeah I don't go out. I let my entire family move into my house and I stay in my room. Having my 3 little nephews here is very bitter sweet- we have a special bond and it brings me joy when I go to kitchen to grab coffee and they all see me out of my room. It's a rush of hugs Aunt Shyp Aunt Shyp but the pain in my heart for my sons it also kills me. Diet I sometimes am to depressed to eat for a couple of days. My brother or sister in law cook and they always bring me a plate to my room but I just can't eat. I'm not hungry. Fresh air, light and exercise- thank you. It's been mentioned 2x on this thread. I do need to get out of my room and see the front yard more I guess. I'll be out there today we had a freeze warning 2 days in a row and I am not sure my special plants are ok. I was to depressed, full of anxiety to bring them in and now I feel bad. 1 was from my sons memorial service.

sorry for replying late I hadn't slept at all so I didn't want to reply with such a brain fog. Thank you guys.

I remember being told: fresh air, food and exercise and it made me really angry. I felt condescended to. So I'm always hesitant to suggest such things. Now, however, it really helps me. I guess maybe you have to be in the right frame of mind to approach things like that, which is tough, because that's exactly the frame of mind you are trying to achieve by doing those things. Maybe there is a short term/temporary way of dealing with things that can get you to a better place?

TBH though with all you have been through, I feel like an idiot even suggesting such things. You must be made of stern stuff to have gotten this far.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I remember being told: fresh air, food and exercise and it made me really angry. I felt condescended to. So I'm always hesitant to suggest such things. Now, however, it really helps me. I guess maybe you have to be in the right frame of mind to approach things like that, which is tough, because that's exactly the frame of mind you are trying to achieve by doing those things. Maybe there is a short term/temporary way of dealing with things that can get you to a better place?

TBH though with all you have been through, I feel like an idiot even suggesting such things. You must be made of stern stuff to have gotten this far.

these 3 letters were my superpower- MOM - it's the only reason I am this far. I just totally shattered just past 3 years ago. Now I have to either figure out who I am now or just be done with it all. Thank you so much for the compliment. There was a time I thought I could do anything in the name of being mom now I'm lucky to make a pot of coffee. I will take any advice given by anyone. What may not sound good or fun or helpful- may end up being something I needed.. within reason

 

[Deleted member 1465]

these 3 letters were my superpower- MOM - it's the only reason I am this far. I just totally shattered just past 3 years ago. Now I have to either figure out who I am now or just be done with it all. Thank you so much for the compliment. There was a time I thought I could do anything in the name of being mom now I'm lucky to make a pot of coffee. I will take any advice given by anyone. What may not sound good or fun or helpful- may end up being something I needed.. within reason

I'm not a parent, but I've seen the MOM superpower before. It's unstoppable. Unless you lose a child, then... I can't imagine that. To be able to fight against how that must affect you, for anyone, is courage indeed.

 

[Goodbye710]

these 3 letters were my superpower- MOM - it's the only reason I am this far. I just totally shattered just past 3 years ago. Now I have to either figure out who I am now or just be done with it all. Thank you so much for the compliment. There was a time I thought I could do anything in the name of being mom now I'm lucky to make a pot of coffee. I will take any advice given by anyone. What may not sound good or fun or helpful- may end up being something I needed.. within reason

I've been trying to reply but I've been hysterical. This time of year is hard.

I'm not sure that time will heal us. I'm not sure there is a secret to help cope. Some things help some like I personally take low dose opioids (kratom) to get me through the day.

Maybe the best way is to maybe trick the brain. To say to yourself that they were only suppose to be temporarily in your life. To make life Bearable. And then they leave again. Like an angel that helps and then leaves.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I've been trying to reply but I've been hysterical. This time of year is hard.

I'm not sure that time will heal us. I'm not sure there is a secret to help cope. Some things help some like I personally take low dose opioids (kratom) to get me through the day.

Maybe the best way is to maybe trick the brain. To say to yourself that they were only suppose to be temporarily in your life. To make life Bearable. And then they leave again. Like an angel that helps and then leaves.

I hope that makes sense.

Thank you, I'm so sorry you share this pain. Yes, this time of year is very hard. I landed in the hospital on the 28th with a heart attack. All I could do is worry about my animals. I made them rush my release so I can get home to my pets. There wasn't anything signaling it's going to kill me so I got to get out to go home.

You might be right, to trick the brain some how.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thank you, I'm so sorry you share this pain. Yes, this time of year is very hard. I landed in the hospital on the 28th with a heart attack. All I could do is worry about my animals. I made them rush my release so I can get home to my pets. There wasn't anything signaling it's going to kill me so I got to get out to go home.

You might be right, to trick the brain some how.

Hope you are feeling better. Didn't they give you anything post heart attack, something to modulate blood pressure maybe?

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Hope you are feeling better. Didn't they give you anything post heart attack, something to modulate blood pressure maybe?

yes my pharmacy just delivered my heart pill and baby aspirin just a bit ago. I said, it's odd I had to look at this pill before I took it. I thought I could keep skipping my blood thinners avoid this pill and maybe bring on the one that takes me outta here or I can take these meds, work on doing my blood thinner shots and try to heal at least from the heart attack so I can go to my younger son. My younger son won and I took the pill. Supposed to take it 2x a day.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

yes my pharmacy just delivered my heart pill and baby aspirin just a bit ago. I said, it's odd I had to look at this pill before I took it. I thought I could keep skipping my blood thinners avoid this pill and maybe bring on the one that takes me outta here or I can take these meds, work on doing my blood thinner shots and try to heal at least from the heart attack so I can go to my younger son. My younger son won and I took the pill. Supposed to take it 2x a day.

Warfarin?

 

[140 bpm]

Hey, Sinkinshyp
I was reading your posts during this year, just had no opportunity to login before. So even being late, I want to say, that I'm so impressed with you! You're such a strong woman, you're such a lovely mother, and such a nice person in general! I'm so sorry for you loss. I won't be able understand how painful is that, because I never had kids and my age is around your son's (RIP). But if I could, I would take part of your grief, to make it easier for you...unfortunately it's impossible. And I remember reading story of your life...I couldn't imagine how you went through all that...it's just unhuman. I know you're in deep pain, but anyway you trying to make it to recovery. I have a huge respect for you and support with all my heart.

Comparing with your questions in this thread - I went all the way into work, when my ctb thoughts were reaching the peak. And all free time of work I was writing and digging into music. These to my hobbies really helped. All waterfall of my thoughts, pain, plans, memories, ideas - I was writing down by hand. It kind of feels a short moment of relief when you changing another list of paper with everything you've just dumped on it. One by one. And when I was getting tired, I was listening music non stop. Searching for new tracks, reading lyrics, finding a meanings of what artist wanted to say.

I'm with you.

​

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Warfarin?

lovenox injections. I have multiple clotting disorders. Clotted in range on warfarin. Are you on warfarin?

Hey, Sinkinshyp
I was reading your posts during this year, just had no opportunity to login before. So even being late, I want to say, that I'm so impressed with you! You're such a strong woman, you're such a lovely mother, and such a nice person in general! I'm so sorry for you loss. I won't be able understand how painful is that, because I never had kids and my age is around your son's (RIP). But if I could, I would take part of your grief, to make it easier for you...unfortunately it's impossible. And I remember reading story of your life...I couldn't imagine how you went through all that...it's just unhuman. I know you're in deep pain, but anyway you trying to make it to recovery. I have a huge respect for you and support with all my heart.

Comparing with your questions in this thread - I went all the way into work, when my ctb thoughts were reaching the peak. And all free time of work I was writing and digging into music. These to my hobbies really helped. All waterfall of my thoughts, pain, plans, memories, ideas - I was writing down by hand. It kind of feels a short moment of relief when you changing another list of paper with everything you've just dumped on it. One by one. And when I was getting tired, I was listening music non stop. Searching for new tracks, reading lyrics, finding a meanings of what artist wanted to say.

I'm with you.

​

you've made me blush, Thank you so much but you give me to much credit I don't deserve. Thank you so much for the kind words and advice. I will take your advice and write my lists. The song lyrics are a great idea. A very touching song was shared with my today from a friend here. I bookmarked it as I think it will be very helpful to listen to it everyday. Any artists and songs you want to share I am receptive! It's a really fantastic idea.

star trekkian or is it star wars I am also with you, and anyone else that feels a need to chat with me. I will do my best to be here for anyone

 

[Sherri]

Hang in there sink, you are not alone hun

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Are you on warfarin?

No, but my dad was.

---

Hang in there Sink!

 

[140 bpm]

lovenox injections. I have multiple clotting disorders. Clotted in range on warfarin. Are you on warfarin?

you've made me blush, Thank you so much but you give me to much credit I don't deserve. Thank you so much for the kind words and advice. I will take your advice and write my lists. The song lyrics are a great idea. A very touching song was shared with my today from a friend here. I bookmarked it as I think it will be very helpful to listen to it everyday. Any artists and songs you want to share I am receptive! It's a really fantastic idea.

star trekkian or is it star wars I am also with you, and anyone else that feels a need to chat with me. I will do my best to be here for anyone

Sure, here's some artists which can fit good for your taste, I think
Phantogram, Moderat, The Neighborhood, HVOB, AIGEL (this one is russian duo, but I really like how that girl singing and it's interesting to go with translating lyrics to understand what she's saying).
You can find all that stuff on spotify or soundcloud. But check youtube as well, some videos from these artists are really brilliant.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Sure, here's some artists which can fit good for your taste, I think
Phantogram, Moderat, The Neighborhood, HVOB, AIGEL (this one is russian duo, but I really like how that girl singing and it's interesting to go with translating lyrics to understand what she's saying).
You can find all that stuff on spotify or soundcloud. But check youtube as well, some videos from these artists are really brilliant.

thank you so much for sharing I'll check them out. I appreciate you taking the time to share with me/us