Trying to get better

[Iman]

I am trying to get better
I feel like I have gotten better, it's easier to smile naturally around others, but at the same time I feel like I am getting emotionally detached even further from everyone.
Which makes me feel more comfortable with the idea of ctb, without worrying what they might think or feel afterwards.

They want me to live and be happy.
I am trying so hard to be happy, they even said they can see improvements and I can see it too, even if it feels fake most of the time.
But whenever I see them sad and struggle with problems I just get consumed again by my suicidal ideation.
Their smiles start to feel forced; just there to comfort me.
Because they don't look happy at all.
It makes me feel like they are also miserable, as if they aren't far away from considering ctb.
Is it just my imagination?

Because of that I always get the idea, that it would be easier to just convince them, of letting me go.
Or even ctb together with them.

I know it would be best, to not get them involved, just distance myself from them and then ctb alone.
Atleast this is my current plan for the future.

Do you think it's possible to truely get better without completely giving up on the idea to ctb?

 

[ForestLove]

For me, no. I tried everything, therapy and meds but they never worked.

I have withdrawn myself from friends. I can only act normally when with my loved ones. Even though I have strong support from my family, love is not enough to keep me from staying sane.

I tried to be happy. However, it's temporary. My misery and pain will always be there. I can never be healed.

The only way to end my pain is to CTB.

 

[Marawa]

I believe it is absolutely possible to get better with lingering feelings of ctb. in some ways while planning ctb & the burden of the future isn't lingering over your thoughts, you can sometimes think more clearly, especially if your reasons are situational.