toyu
Not sure how to feel.
- Jul 31, 2024
- 38
I'm so done with everything, I've tried and tried, but nothing works. I'm ready to just get it over with, but there's always something stopping me. A holiday, a friend/family members birthday, always something. I don't want people to think about me after I die, but I know they will. I don't want to forever taint that day for them, but it feels impossible to find a good date.
Unrelated to the rest of the post, so feel free to skip, but I just don't know what to do. Im not sure if any of my friends like me at all, and I haven't made any friends at all since I was very young, so I think I may have just completely forgot how. Even on this forum the idea of actually trying to connect with anyone is terrifying. I don't even know why I'm here if I am so afraid.
One of my friends directly said to me "why would I want to be friends with someone who's just going to kill themselves" after we were talking about my (lack of) plans for the future, to which I reassured them that I wouldn't kill myself. This really fucked me up.
After that I guess I got scared and just decided that I'd go to college just to maybe have a chance of doing something with my life, and my friends wouldn't hate me, which is hard because I've spent essentially my entire life thinking "I won't live past x age", but then I did and I'd just move the goal post, so I never actually made any real plans for a future. I'm going to go for photography, but I don't even know if I like that or if I'm good at it. It's all just too much. I really can't anymore, I don't know how people manage to live, it's too much.
Unrelated to the rest of the post, so feel free to skip, but I just don't know what to do. Im not sure if any of my friends like me at all, and I haven't made any friends at all since I was very young, so I think I may have just completely forgot how. Even on this forum the idea of actually trying to connect with anyone is terrifying. I don't even know why I'm here if I am so afraid.
One of my friends directly said to me "why would I want to be friends with someone who's just going to kill themselves" after we were talking about my (lack of) plans for the future, to which I reassured them that I wouldn't kill myself. This really fucked me up.
After that I guess I got scared and just decided that I'd go to college just to maybe have a chance of doing something with my life, and my friends wouldn't hate me, which is hard because I've spent essentially my entire life thinking "I won't live past x age", but then I did and I'd just move the goal post, so I never actually made any real plans for a future. I'm going to go for photography, but I don't even know if I like that or if I'm good at it. It's all just too much. I really can't anymore, I don't know how people manage to live, it's too much.
