sexual-sinning
世界上幸福的人到處有，為何不能算我一個？
- Jun 8, 2024
- 16
i did acid with a friend a few days ago and i ended up bawling for a good chunk of it
I've been passively suicidal for maybe the past decade now (im 22) and honestly I've been living my life with the idea that if things aren't going my way, i should just kill myself
well, i tried it already and failed miserably. i tried to crash my car and just ended up breaking my spine. despite that though, i wasn't ready to stop trying, i was just more cautious and less impulsive, thinking that maybe if i learn how to hang myself (can't figure out how to stop the bloodflow though) and wait for a good time to ctb I'd be golden.
its been about 6 months since then, and I've just been walking around bitter and frustrated.
I've tripped before and have been introspective about my life, but this time felt different. i came to the realization that suicide is simply just not in my cards right now.
people like to tell you that suicide isn't an option, and that's bullshit, it certainly is, and I've tried it already. they like to tell you that your life matters, when in reality it doesn't. sure, the people who care about you will miss you dearly and they'll probably be overcome with grief and dispair for a while, but ultimately the world will continue spinning and life goes on. it has too.
what i realized tho is that suicide simply isn't obtainable right now, whether that's because of emotional attachment to other people/animals, or not having a good enough method, or simply just fear. its not obtainable right now, so i simply just have to choose something else. life is about the options you're given and choosing the one that's in your best interest.
now that it isn't obtainable in my mind, I don't feel as stun locked by the life i have to live. i need to start making choices because the life I'm living isn't sustainable.
will this mindset stop me from ever ctb in the future? maybe not, but its stopping me from thinking about it right now, and i guess that's a start.
I've been passively suicidal for maybe the past decade now (im 22) and honestly I've been living my life with the idea that if things aren't going my way, i should just kill myself
well, i tried it already and failed miserably. i tried to crash my car and just ended up breaking my spine. despite that though, i wasn't ready to stop trying, i was just more cautious and less impulsive, thinking that maybe if i learn how to hang myself (can't figure out how to stop the bloodflow though) and wait for a good time to ctb I'd be golden.
its been about 6 months since then, and I've just been walking around bitter and frustrated.
I've tripped before and have been introspective about my life, but this time felt different. i came to the realization that suicide is simply just not in my cards right now.
people like to tell you that suicide isn't an option, and that's bullshit, it certainly is, and I've tried it already. they like to tell you that your life matters, when in reality it doesn't. sure, the people who care about you will miss you dearly and they'll probably be overcome with grief and dispair for a while, but ultimately the world will continue spinning and life goes on. it has too.
what i realized tho is that suicide simply isn't obtainable right now, whether that's because of emotional attachment to other people/animals, or not having a good enough method, or simply just fear. its not obtainable right now, so i simply just have to choose something else. life is about the options you're given and choosing the one that's in your best interest.
now that it isn't obtainable in my mind, I don't feel as stun locked by the life i have to live. i need to start making choices because the life I'm living isn't sustainable.
will this mindset stop me from ever ctb in the future? maybe not, but its stopping me from thinking about it right now, and i guess that's a start.
