is full suspension out of the picture? do you feel more comfortable with partial? i found out partial suspension existed from this website and before i realized how unreliable and hard it is to achieve i developed a hyperfixation on it and tried multiple times to ctb that way, no matter how hard i pulled for how long it didn't do anything each time, and (im not saying you didn't) but i had done a lot of research on it too, so i was really frustrated it wouldn't work. i turned to full suspension after realizing how much easier and reliable it is, but i think at this point im buying a gun. you should look into full suspension if you're deadset on hanging yourself, but if you're also deadset on partial, then all i can say is keep trying and i hope you get the peace you deserve♡