Venting tried and failed to CTB today

[blackIronPrison]

I had what a I thought was a pretty good surge of momentum and tried to ctb today. My method was partial hanging. I just couldn't get over survival instinct or maybe I just didn't have the resolve I thought I had. I started to lose consciousness, I wasn't particularly uncomfortable, all I needed to do was finish but I panicked and stopped at the last second. I feel even worse now. I know I don't want to be here but I just couldn't finish it. I don't have anything I'm holding out for, there's no one I'm leaving behind, I just need to do it, but I didn't.

At least now I have a bit more confidence in my chosen method, but I'm worried next time It'll be the same result.

 

[Dak]

You didn't fail at anything. You changed your mind and that's okay.

 

[needthebus]

I had what a I thought was a pretty good surge of momentum and tried to ctb today. My method was partial hanging. I just couldn't get over survival instinct or maybe I just didn't have the resolve I thought I had. I started to lose consciousness, I wasn't particularly uncomfortable, all I needed to do was finish but I panicked and stopped at the last second. I feel even worse now. I know I don't want to be here but I just couldn't finish it. I don't have anything I'm holding out for, there's no one I'm leaving behind, I just need to do it, but I didn't.

At least now I have a bit more confidence in my chosen method, but I'm worried next time It'll be the same result.

I'm so sorry your day was so terrible. So many of us have had the same sort of day and you aren't alone.

 

[Jadeith]

As Dak said - you failed nothing. It's a choice. Your choice. And you made it. It doesn't matter if you chose this way because you got scared, didn't feel like it, changed your mind or whatever. It's not a competition, not a "must have" goal to achieve.
Also, funny thing with your choice is that you get to choose again. Should you take that other option, you wouldn't have that possibility.

 

[SVEN]

There's nothing unusual about repeated "rehearsal" attempts to ctb. It's not failure or something which happens with many others. You're free to change your mind, or not, as you wish, so please don't feel bad about this.

 

[Dak]

As Dak said - you failed nothing. It's a choice. Your choice. And you made it. It doesn't matter if you chose this way because you got scared, didn't feel like it, changed your mind or whatever. It's not a competition, not a "must have" goal to achieve.
Also, funny thing with your choice is that you get to choose again. Should you take that other option, you wouldn't have that possibility.

That's a REALLY good thing to mention. "It's not a competition". We got enough pressure from the outside world

 

[blackIronPrison]

I appreciate everyone's kind words I rly do <3. It's a bit difficult to reckon with the fact that I'm still here another day because of a choice I made. I wanted to die while it was still cold outside but that may not end up happening.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I appreciate everyone's kind words I rly do <3. It's a bit difficult to reckon with the fact that I'm still here another day because of a choice I made. I wanted to die while it was still cold outside but that may not end up happening.

There's no rush, it's an important decision and you're giving it the importance both it and your life deserve. There's dignity in waiting, in making sure, and this may be another step forwards in your path either to recovery —should you want to recover and give life another chance— or to strengthen your resolve in finding peace by leaving this world. Either way, don't beat yourself up: you had the guts to get to the point some of us have never been able to and, well, maybe next time you'll be able to go forward with your decision.

 

[whyDoesItHurtSoMuch]

There's no rush, it's an important decision and you're giving it the importance both it and your life deserve.

That's such a beautiful, compassionate, reassuring way to frame it. Thank you for this.

 

[CatLvr]

There's no rush, it's an important decision and you're giving it the importance both it and your life deserve. There's dignity in waiting, in making sure, and this may be another step forwards in your path either to recovery —should you want to recover and give life another chance— or to strengthen your resolve in finding peace by leaving this world. Either way, don't beat yourself up: you had the guts to get to the point some of us have never been able to and, well, maybe next time you'll be able to go forward with your decision.

Very eloquently put. I feel like you've covered all the points I was gonna hit. Nicely done.

To the OP -- I'm sorry you had such a rough day yesterday. I hope today was at least a little better.

 

[sanction]

At this point, only make sure you are 100% ready, before you attempt again. You don't want to risk any irreversible damage to your body. All the best with everything