Venting travelling before i CTB - But school

[wastingtime]

I am planning to ctb in a couple weeks.
originally i was planning it next week, but i want to see a band i enjoy with my friend before i go. i was going to do it the week after but now my friend asked to sleep over at my place. it's nice to have them but it doesn't change my mind about my plans and i only feel guilty about how upset they will be the closer i allow them near me.

im stuck in this dilemma where i want to enjoy my last days with my loved ones, but i want to isolate myself and disappear without hurting anybody. i just dont want my friends to look back at me and regret not spending my last days well.
i don't mind whatever happens to me and how i feel anyway.

i was thinking about dropping out of school, just to travel to a new place for a couple days. but i dont know if i can take that risk. if i survive i will be wasting 5 years of hard work in uni for nothing. but at the same time i am going to die either way so why cant i enjoy my last moments. spend some time just for myself, one thing i could never do that's the reason why i want to die in the first place.

i am 100% committed to this. no external reason is enough to change my mind because everything ive dealt with has been between myself and i. i guess i am more worried about my lack of a backup plan.
i've never made such a radical decision before and im not used to it. i am still studying and going to school and working hard every day even though i know its absolutely pointless.

Just for once i want to make my own decision, i want to do what *i* want instead of using myself as a vessel for everybody elses happiness. i want to make decisions even if theyre wrong and even if they're bad for me.
i want tattoos and i want to quit school and never work again and never leave my room. If it was any other decade i wouldve died long ago from natural selection. keeping me alive at this point just feels unfair

sorry if anyones actually read this far. i just dont know where else to express myself anymore. i dont want help, i want peace

 

[Death is my goal]

i want tattoos and i want to quit school and never work again and never leave my room.

this is very unrealistic, basically you don't want to do anything and be shut-in?

 

[wastingtime]

this is very unrealistic, basically you don't want to do anything and be shut-in?

obviously i know its unrealistic. why do you think im suicidal

 

[Boudika]

Don't drop out of school. There is a chance that your CTB will fail, and then you will be in an even worse situation. It's better to lay off for a few days and travel a bit, and give as an excuse that you felt sick and that's it.

 

[zeek]

u r so me

this is very unrealistic, basically you don't want to do anything and be shut-in?

yep!

but i want to isolate myself and disappear without hurting anybody

same, but at the same time its hard to find somewhere to truly isolate yourself, i cant just sleep on the streets yk

Just for once i want to make my own decision, i want to do what *i* want

i think the same thing too, i never really know what i want and i know that ill never find purpose in life, i can never be certain about anything or have any control over all of my life. Except for ending it. Only then will I have finished everything my life had to offer.

i want to quit school and never work again and never leave my room.

I wish. but its just not achievable, unless someone takes me away and provides for me for the rest of my life (not happening) i cant NEET out and do whatever i want.

i dont want help, i want peace

same, although i do recommend seeking help, i just dont want to go through the motions of daily life anymore, i want to rot, i want peace, i want to be nothing.

pls do talk to me if u ever need someone to talk to, cuz i think we r kinda alike in what we going thru

obviously i know its unrealistic. why do you think im suicidal

lol based

 

[wastingtime]

same, although i do recommend seeking help, i just dont want to go through the motions of daily life anymore, i want to rot, i want peace, i want to be nothing.

i'm so glad to finally have someone understand this. life just feels so pointless if i can't even live it the way i want, and unfortunately NEETing is not an acceptable lifestyle

 

[zeek]

i'm so glad to finally have someone understand this. life just feels so pointless if i can't even live it the way i want, and unfortunately NEETing is not an acceptable lifestyle

right, whats the point of living if i cant live the way i want to

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for.