scary
find your own way to the Knife
- May 1, 2024
- 165
I've suffered with these feeling of wanting to be a different gender ever since I hit puberty, first identifying as nonbinary after learning about it online. A few months pass and I figured that it was just my autism and 'not-like-other-girls' syndrome that made me feel that way... until I wanted to be a man. My feelings of wanting to be male and my dysphoria surrounding it persisted much longer than my nonbinary identity and I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to come out as ftm to my parents and as you can guess, it didn't turn out well and my dad was the one who shut it down immediately. After that was nothing but waiting in secret and hoping that when i'm older maybe, just maybe, i'll be able to transition and live a happy life as a man.
During that period of waiting I've fallen down many a trans rabbithole, ranging from transmedicalism to /tttt/, all within the span of a few years. Until one day I stumbled across a board made by cis people meant to lolcow trans men and transmasculine people specifically, and after that my idea of transitioning and being a man completely shattered. Sure, the brainworm posting from 4chan made me rethink transition, but those are made by trans people for trans people, these threads on the other hand are completely designed to put people down and poor impressionable young autist me sucked up all their ideology like a sponge to the point where I saw transitioning as something that would personally turn me into a caricature you'd see on said boards and not a man.
Now you're probably thinking "Hey scary, how about you just start T now and see where it takes you" and to that I say... I don't want to anymore. The things I've learned on the boards about biology and all that made my rose tinted glasses about transitioning completely shatter. Now don't get me wrong, trans people are valid in whatever gender they say they are and I am happy for them, but humans at the end of the day just can't fully change sex. I know that if I take T i'll grow facial hair and get a deeper voice and all that.. but my bone structure will still be the same, i'll never have a visible browbone, i'll never have an adam's apple, I'll never be average male height, and I sure as hell will never have a penis. (not to mention that being trans is expensive as hell)
I truly do envy those who feel satisfied by transitioning but I just can't. I have very all-or-nothing and black and white thinking, and knowing i'll never truly be fully male just makes me want to ctb. I think if I transition i'll just fixate on the not male things about me. I miss the days when I was actually able to look in the mirror without having a panic attack.
I wish there was just a button that I could press that would make me completely and undoubtedly male. If that existed i'd slam it in a heartbeat. I already feel like a freak for my homosexuality, but I gotta have dysphoria over not being the opposite sex slapped on too. I truly am the autoandrophilic freak that Ray Blanchard described and I lowkirkenuinely need to kill myself.
During that period of waiting I've fallen down many a trans rabbithole, ranging from transmedicalism to /tttt/, all within the span of a few years. Until one day I stumbled across a board made by cis people meant to lolcow trans men and transmasculine people specifically, and after that my idea of transitioning and being a man completely shattered. Sure, the brainworm posting from 4chan made me rethink transition, but those are made by trans people for trans people, these threads on the other hand are completely designed to put people down and poor impressionable young autist me sucked up all their ideology like a sponge to the point where I saw transitioning as something that would personally turn me into a caricature you'd see on said boards and not a man.
Now you're probably thinking "Hey scary, how about you just start T now and see where it takes you" and to that I say... I don't want to anymore. The things I've learned on the boards about biology and all that made my rose tinted glasses about transitioning completely shatter. Now don't get me wrong, trans people are valid in whatever gender they say they are and I am happy for them, but humans at the end of the day just can't fully change sex. I know that if I take T i'll grow facial hair and get a deeper voice and all that.. but my bone structure will still be the same, i'll never have a visible browbone, i'll never have an adam's apple, I'll never be average male height, and I sure as hell will never have a penis. (not to mention that being trans is expensive as hell)
I truly do envy those who feel satisfied by transitioning but I just can't. I have very all-or-nothing and black and white thinking, and knowing i'll never truly be fully male just makes me want to ctb. I think if I transition i'll just fixate on the not male things about me. I miss the days when I was actually able to look in the mirror without having a panic attack.
I wish there was just a button that I could press that would make me completely and undoubtedly male. If that existed i'd slam it in a heartbeat. I already feel like a freak for my homosexuality, but I gotta have dysphoria over not being the opposite sex slapped on too. I truly am the autoandrophilic freak that Ray Blanchard described and I lowkirkenuinely need to kill myself.
