Transgender Support Megathread

[dsk]

Social transition went well. Supportive family, most folks assume I'm male irl.
Medical transition, not so much. Steroids got confiscated by my parents. At the time of coming out I was pretty gung ho about overcoming my iatrophobia and even managed to talk with some doctors over zoom/phonecalls. Had a chance to call the GP today but chickened out and cancelled it. Being physically the same as before transitioning sucks. Wearing mens clothes isn't inherrantly manly, hell my sister used to have some boys tshirts- but having a male body would help.
Wish I'd successfully ctb before coming out, at least then there would've been a valid excuse to commit. Now there's just dysphoria from fitting the female tendency to attempt without results.

 

[Redleaf1992]

Social transition went well. Supportive family, most folks assume I'm male irl.
Medical transition, not so much. Steroids got confiscated by my parents. At the time of coming out I was pretty gung ho about overcoming my iatrophobia and even managed to talk with some doctors over zoom/phonecalls. Had a chance to call the GP today but chickened out and cancelled it. Being physically the same as before transitioning sucks. Wearing mens clothes isn't inherrantly manly, hell my sister used to have some boys tshirts- but having a male body would help.
Wish I'd successfully ctb before coming out, at least then there would've been a valid excuse to commit. Now there's just dysphoria from fitting the female tendency to attempt without results.

Sorry to hear your challenges (your parents suck). It's unfortunate that it's harder to find and self medicate FTM HRT than MTF (atleast from my limited knowledge).

—————————————-

To rant about myself:

Not pure trans issue I guess but a place to vent.

My mind always flicks back and forth from wanting to be female (born male) to the feeling that I was crazy or confused when I wanted that.

When I want to be female the urge is so strong, and my impulsive brain buy HRT online. I tired therapy to figure out my identity but it didn't help and I'm taking HRT without the will power to stop myself.

So if I'm male I'm destroying my body, and won't ever be able to have kids and will be doomed to a an alone freak.

If I'm trans I will never be passable, which will make my social anxiety worse and doomed to be isolated. It would also destroy my family to find out I'm trans particularly my Dad (who's transphobic) - which is the whole reason I didn't CTB recently (various issues) - because I didn't want to hurt them.

I just feel fucked no matter what I do.

 

[dsk]

Sorry to hear your challenges (your parents suck). It's unfortunate that it's harder to find and self medicate FTM HRT than MTF (atleast from my limited knowledge).

—————————————-

To rant about myself:

Not pure trans issue I guess but a place to vent.

My mind always flicks back and forth from wanting to be female (born male) to the feeling that I was crazy or confused when I wanted that.

When I want to be female the urge is so strong, and my impulsive brain buy HRT online. I tired therapy to figure out my identity but it didn't help and I'm taking HRT without the will power to stop myself.

So if I'm male I'm destroying my body, and won't ever be able to have kids and will be doomed to a an alone freak.

If I'm trans I will never be passable, which will make my social anxiety worse and doomed to be isolated. It would also destroy my family to find out I'm trans particularly my Dad (who's transphobic) - which is the whole reason I didn't CTB recently (various issues) - because I didn't want to hurt them.

I just feel fucked no matter what I do.

We're kinda acting like everythings normal now but part of me wants to ctb so they realise how much this hurts. I admire you for not wanting to destroy your family, staying alive and "closeted" takes strength.
Your desire to take estrogen sounds pretty trans tbh. The whole LBGT thing seemed crazy as hell to me too at first. If it's disbelief and not the desire to be male in a similar way you might not be making that big a mistake.
If having kids is still a major issue maybe try pausing HRT using a sperm bank. Either way good luck figuring out what works, wether that be transition or detransition.

 

[notmyusername]

Idk if anybody relates. But I feel like a fucking freakshow. All the time. I'm on HRT, so some parts of me match how I feel, but not my genitals. My bio mother treated me as a freak, and other trans people as freaks. I hated it. Also, I feel like I'll never find romantic love or someone that truly sees me as I am. I feel like a mismatch. It's a disgusting feeling. I wish I was born the way I have always felt. It's like fucking body horror. Bits of disgusting flesh in places they don't belong. I'm something my bio mother would laugh at, but I think she's a disgusting freak too.

 

[Redleaf1992]

We're kinda acting like everythings normal now but part of me wants to ctb so they realise how much this hurts. I admire you for not wanting to destroy your family, staying alive and "closeted" takes strength.

Your desire to take estrogen sounds pretty trans tbh. The whole LBGT thing seemed crazy as hell to me too at first. If it's disbelief and not the desire to be male in a similar way you might not be making that big a mistake.
If having kids is still a major issue maybe try pausing HRT using a sperm bank. Either way good luck figuring out what works, wether that be transition or detransition.

Thank you for the words. I started putting pieces of the puzzle together and believe I have undiagnosed BPD. Issues of identity are common and I think the HRT is a lack of impulse control, I have done nothing else to transition other than it (there are other reasons I suspect BPD).

I'm glad things feel at least a little normal with your parents. I hope in time they come round more.

Feel free to tell me to shut up with advice, but have you tried getting some form of therapy for your iatrophobia? I don't know a lot about it but if your able to talk to a counsellor (not a doctor) to overcome it it; that might open the door in the future to speak to your doctor about getting what you need?
Hopefully your parents might pay for it considering it's not specifically trans related - and important for your health overall?

Idk if anybody relates. But I feel like a fucking freakshow. All the time. I'm on HRT, so some parts of me match how I feel, but not my genitals. My bio mother treated me as a freak, and other trans people as freaks. I hated it. Also, I feel like I'll never find romantic love or someone that truly sees me as I am. I feel like a mismatch. It's a disgusting feeling. I wish I was born the way I have always felt. It's like fucking body horror. Bits of disgusting flesh in places they don't belong. I'm something my bio mother would laugh at, but I think she's a disgusting freak too.

Sorry to hear that, dysphoria is painful enough without your Mother being abusive to you. Do you think gender assignment surgery might be possible in the future?

 

[Pangolin]

I hate living like this. I've settled on the term genderqueer, but that sounds stupid to say to cis people and I feel like nobody in the "real world" is going to take me seriously for it. I'm AFAB, and the idea of being born AMAB is also gross to me. I want a dick but only for sex, i feel like in any other circumstance it would be awkward. I want to be pregnant but I want to get others pregnant. The idea of facial hair is mildly appealing but only as stubble. I hate having a high voice but I also feel like having a deep voice would be odd, like id ever have one, all the boys in my family have higher pitched voices. I hate having hips but I love having a waist. I only bind to try to pass a little better, also I hate the feeling of my tits bouncing. I guess the only thing that I fully want that is traditionally masc is being taller (I'm 5'2). I know that I will never be happy in my body, unless I can learn to shapshift. But even then i dont think I will be supported. My boyfriend has horrible BPD so he wants to break up every week, and it's exhausting, but he's the only one that really supports me and makes my dysphoria go away. He's also the only one that helps my derealization episodes. I dont have a reason to live without him lol.

 

[Widdershins]

I had a dream last night about having my ideal body, clothes, haircut etc and when I woke up I felt sad. All the feelings I had about maybe being trans came back. Part of me wants to try presenting the way I want, but I know others will give me hell for it and I'm not sure if it's worth all the effort.

 

[wait.what]

Actually being trans doesn't bother me. I've been fortunate enough to get HRT and the surgery that really matters to me. I pass about 100%, I think partly because I'm older and look pretty messed-up anyway due to my particular form of arthritis. People tend to have an image of "trans" in their heads—I think we all know what it's like, and I won't comment except to say it ain't pretty. The "trans" stereotype doesn't usually include "middle-aged disabled man," though, so I can walk—or roll, as the case may be—right by the transphobes even as they congratulate each other for how well they can spot "traps." This has literally happened to me more than once.

I sometimes think about what my life might have been like if I'd been cis. I'd have been a gay boy in the AIDS-stricken '80's, so honestly being cis is not really something I wish for. Besides, have you heard the shit that comes out of some cis people's mouths? I can't be sure I'd be a gender-policing dickhead if I'd been born cis-male and straight, but the pressure would sure be there. Little boys harass each other if one of them accidentally touches a pink crayon. It's insanity. I don't want that kind of crazy in my head. If only I didn't have a huge number of countrymen who'd like to lock me up or kill me, I'd be fine with being trans.

Which brings me to a word of warning: in much of the world, covid broke the back of the healthcare system. I live in the U.S. and it's especially fucked up here. It's a REALLY good idea to periodically research your local hospitals and other healthcare facilities, and put your preferences regarding inpatient care in writing. You want institutions that are currently accredited by some outside organization. Two examples from the U.S. are CARF and the Joint Commission.

Almost nobody passes 100% while they're naked, and in some healthcare settings they'll see you like that. God help you if you find yourself in a transphobic institution of some kind. I recently had to move heaven & earth to get out of a setting like that. The medical neglect was so bad I spent 3 extra days in a (normal, basically sane) hospital.

Ironically, I don't especially want to
CTB at the moment, but I figure I better get a method in place, 'cause I'm not spending the remainder of my crippled life like that.

 

[Heartaches]

Trans man here. Lately I've been feeling weird about my transition. I'm absolutely pre-everything; no hrt or legal name/gender change, just socially out to most of my friends, acquaintances and even to my mom. Months ago I had no qualms about that, I was feeling okay despite being perceived as a woman by most of the world, But know, I don't know what my mind and my body want. I've been getting strong emotions when hearing of other trans men who are starting their medical transition, but I don't know what they are. Jealousy? Social pressure? Inconformity? Loneliness? Sadness? Hopelessness? None of these feelings are directed towards them, I have no ill-will against them, but I don't know how to feel about myself. I've had to separate myself from my local transmasc community because I don't want to lash out in a moment of stupidity.

Since the beggining of the year, I've felt more confident coming out as a man and not as afraid as before to correct others when they get my pronouns wrong. I've thought about changing my legal name and gender before or after starting university. I'm mostly fine with my body and my genitalia, I just wish it was more masc; although, not necessarily to pass since that has never been my goal. I just don't know if my soul wants me to begin HRT and for what reason (I mean, no that it needs one, but I want to understand myself somehow)​

My preferred route would be to DIY, I want to have control over my own transition for the most part cause I'm distrustful of doctors due to bad past experiences. However, testosterone supply has been running low in my country for a few years and the prices have been jacked up by a lot; I don't have a job to pay for them on a constent basis. We have a universal health system with protocols in place to "guarantee" hormones to trans people, but the system is collapsing and I've heard so many horror stories of trans folks getting discriminated. The other option is in the private sector, there are a few orgs and hospital that provide medical services to trans people, but every one of them has their own set of rules due to the lack of regulation, so some might cut through the bullshit and let you have a consultation to begin HRT while others might ask you for unnecesary, costly and discriminatory tests.

Most of the guys I know have gone to a trans org that cuts through the bullshit and lets you have a consultation with the endo, but I'm unsure. I know getting personalized help and being monitored is important because our bodies are different, our goals are different and we need to check everything is going ok, I'm not against it, I just wish there were more options as well (also, once again, money). Ugh, I don't know, I'll figure it out if I don't CTB before that.

It's such a pain in the ass being a trans person in any part of the world and having to go through an opressive medical system. I don't know who I'm angrier at: the system, the government, the politicians, the transphobes or myself.

 

[Linda]

being trans in america is so scary (as is many other countries of course). we are literally one of the only topics in today's political climate. i hate it. my entire existence is a debate to this country, i am not a being, i am just a concept. i've been called a pedo so many fucking times and i'm not even 20 yet, i'm simply a pedo because i came out as trans at 13 (obviously that means i was groomed /s) and was actually correct about it. HRT hasn't even been working so i'm doomed to be misgendered for life, one of the top reasons i will CTB! it's just not worth it. i'm not gonna sit here and watch myself and my community be murdered. i'm out bro

The anti-trans thing will last only so long as it gets votes by creating fear out of nothing. Eventually, ordinary people will wise up to the fact that they are being manipulated by a few unscrupulous politicians. They did it with gay marriage, until people saw through it. They have done it with other groups thoroughout America's entire history. Ten years from now, ordinary Americans will wonder what all the fuss was about, and why they fell for all the lies. If you can hang in there for a few more years, things will get better.

 

[1sadtran]

running out of estrogen
cut off my hair and have grow it out again
iwont ever pass though
had a comfy mtfxmtf relationship for a while but then it stopped and life is way worse now
getting legit hrt is difficult and i got no money to buy it online
father died and now my cat is dying
just want to sleep forever and not wake up to face this horrible reality everyday

 

[gizzreid]

The anti-trans thing will last only so long as it gets votes by creating fear out of nothing. Eventually, ordinary people will wise up to the fact that they are being manipulated by a few unscrupulous politicians. They did it with gay marriage, until people saw through it. They have done it with other groups thoroughout America's entire history. Ten years from now, ordinary Americans will wonder what all the fuss was about, and why they fell for all the lies. If you can hang in there for a few more years, things will get better.

yeah i really do try to remind myself of how gay people, especially gay men, were treading 30-50 years ago, because clearly society as a generalization has moved past those beliefs, and we've done it before with other groups, pinned one as the "evil cruel indoctrinating pedos" that eventually died out and is no longer the norm for beliefs. and it only makes me more sympathetic to the people during those times who wondered the same thing, "when will it end?".

 

[bigwomanbigwoman123]

i feel like transition is impossible for me. i live in the uk and poor so ofc medical transition is something i can only imagine. it all feels like more effort than its worth; all the problems people have getting their GPs to refer them, GPs lying abt it or just completely refusing. and once you've managed that you have to wait 7 odd years just for the first appointment??? i plan to be dead in less than 7 years.

social transition is also somewhat impossible. i came out ~2 years ago and i am publically out, but making progress is daunting. i cant go outside wearing anything feminine because i hate critisism. i cant stand the thought of doing something wrong: wearing shitty make-up, wearibg ridiculous outfit that i thought looked good, trying to do something with my hair but end up messing it up. i know you must go through the starting process to actually start, but the critisisms i could get stop me. i cant even practice make up for example in my own room cause i only feel ridiculous when i try

i regret coming out. i should have thought of it before i did anything

 

[Linda]

Social transition went well. Supportive family, most folks assume I'm male irl.
Medical transition, not so much. Steroids got confiscated by my parents. At the time of coming out I was pretty gung ho about overcoming my iatrophobia and even managed to talk with some doctors over zoom/phonecalls. Had a chance to call the GP today but chickened out and cancelled it. Being physically the same as before transitioning sucks. Wearing mens clothes isn't inherrantly manly, hell my sister used to have some boys tshirts- but having a male body would help.
Wish I'd successfully ctb before coming out, at least then there would've been a valid excuse to commit. Now there's just dysphoria from fitting the female tendency to attempt without results.

Hang in there. There have been trans people throughout history, and they got by just fine without hormones or surgery, because such things simply didn't exist then. Experiment a bit, and find out what works well for you. Whatever happens, don't give up and don't despair. You can make a success of this.

 

[bugs_for_brains]

im not really transgender in the sense that transition isnt something i want to attempt but i for sure should have been born male and its something that i've struggled with my whole life. My family knows but they kinda put me off when i did wanna transition as a kid bc they weren't too happy with the idea. Nowadays they try to tell me they'd support me either way but its hard to believe when they said all the shit they did before and never apologised and still continue to mock trans people. They constantly misgendered my ex and my nan (acts as my 2nd parent -- complicated) told me years ago that I can transition but she'd never refer to me as male in any way until I got bottom surgery so like whats the point.

I made my roblox account when i was 10/11 and set it to female and within the first few months made a new acc and set it to male. I remember feeling so much better bc none of those people interacting with me saw me as a girl or 'boy lite'. I got my sister into the habit of referring to me as her brother online and even my friends called me a guy when we were online. So I got used to 'being a guy' in any online spaces from a young age and its like im living a double life or smth. I hate it. I tried to make the switch back over when my little sister made a friend on roblox and started interacting with her on insta. I didn't want her to feel like she was lying so I had her just tell the friend i was actually a girl and I switched my roblox acc to female and stopped implying i was male on my online social media accs and would intentionally remain ambigous. I was absolutely miserable but tried to stick with it, thinking it may have just been bc i wasn't used to it. That was not the case and I remember rare moments when people would see my usernames/pfps and still assume I was male and I felt so shit 'correcting' them. Eventually I just switched back and its normally fine bc i don't typically make actual connections online but recently i been talking to a group of guys who all think im one of them and i feel so sick idk what to do bc my sister started talking to them as well and i cant tell them im a girl but i feel like theyre gonna find out and be mad or upset at me for lying and im scared my sister will tell them bc she already slipped up once and we played it off as her making fun of me. I can't ever go on video or voice call with them bc, while most people irl assume im male based on my appearance, i look about 12 and im still worried they can tell. My voice isnt deep enough or anything.

I wish i wasnt born like this, its so draining having to live a double life and have them occasionally meet in the middle. If not for my sister, i'd just come clean and tell them my situation but i cant have my sister telling my parents about it. Fml why do i do this to myself

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I find it difficult because I've gone through the things many trans people wish for in their lifetime. I've been to a gender clinic, I went on hormone blockers, I went on Testosterone and yet none of made me happy. I mean I liked what I saw in the mirror and it relieved my gender dysphoria but I've had to come off my hormones for now. I feel like I've lost the one thing that I wanted in life. Having a dissociative disorder that's taken my emotions away is ruining my life. I kinda hoped that Testosterone would be this magic fix which I guess was wishful thinking. I just feel so alone in all of this.

 

[MangoTea]

I think I'll never stop being dysphoric, everyday is worse than the last.

 

[RoseGarden]

Being trans is one of the most beautiful things you can be. You know yourself far more intimately than any others know themselves. It's self actualization of the highest order. And yet, it's also one of the most tragic things. I hate myself. I hate seeing myself. I hate being referred to. I hate seeing my father's features. I hate the target society has painted on my back. I'm planning to ctb. Let's hope it's a short trip.

 

[AsTheWorldCaves]

Something that really bothers me is I just know that after I ctb everyone's first thought is going to be, "Oh, she did this because she's trans." which is not the case at all. I originally wasn't planning on leaving a note but at this rate I'll leave behind a small novel's worth of "No, seriously, this wasn't because I didn't pass, I did it because X, Y, Z... Let's go over that again just so we're all clear."

 

[Linda]

Something that really bothers me is I just know that after I ctb everyone's first thought is going to be, "Oh, she did this because she's trans." which is not the case at all. I originally wasn't planning on leaving a note but at this rate I'll leave behind a small novel's worth of "No, seriously, this wasn't because I didn't pass, I did it because X, Y, Z... Let's go over that again just so we're all clear."

Thank you. It's important that you do that. It won't help you, but indirectly it will help other pople.

 

[LunarLight]

Something that really bothers me is I just know that after I ctb everyone's first thought is going to be, "Oh, she did this because she's trans." which is not the case at all. I originally wasn't planning on leaving a note but at this rate I'll leave behind a small novel's worth of "No, seriously, this wasn't because I didn't pass, I did it because X, Y, Z... Let's go over that again just so we're all clear."

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Plus the transgender suicide jokes. Makes me mad.

 

[AsTheWorldCaves]

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Plus the transgender suicide jokes. Makes me mad.

Trans people and suicide are so commonly linked, it almost feels like letting the side down, as if there's some unspoken obligation to prove the transphobes wrong and bring down that 41%. But ultimately my only responsibility is to myself, and having made this decision, no amount of rope jokes will dissuade me.

 

[LunarLight]

Trans people and suicide are so commonly linked, it almost feels like letting the side down, as if there's some unspoken obligation to prove the transphobes wrong and bring down that 41%. But ultimately my only responsibility is to myself, and having made this decision, no amount of rope jokes will dissuade me.

Couldn't agree more.

 

[4am]

Trans people and suicide are so commonly linked, it almost feels like letting the side down, as if there's some unspoken obligation to prove the transphobes wrong and bring down that 41%. But ultimately my only responsibility is to myself, and having made this decision, no amount of rope jokes will dissuade me.

just don't give a fuck about what transphobes think, they're the ones responsible for the majority of the 41%

 

[suspendedingaffa]

for the first year of my transition my suicidal thoughts were 100% gone for the first time since puberty. literally the happiest ive ever been. i got long covid and now im too sick to function and it doesn't look like im ever going to get better. i finally wanted to live my life and now im too exhausted to even take a shower every day. i cant keep up on shaving, i dont have the energy to voice train or practice makeup or just be fucking trans in general. and as someone said above, im scared that if i kill myself it'll be blamed on me being trans. which is definitely part of the equation but i wouldn't be at this point if i was still healthy. my future suicide is more of a long covid death than anything else

 

[Z-A]

Transgender people often make absolutely fabulous creatures. World would be so much better without the judgement and harm humanity has to endure by just doing what makes them happy and comfortable.

 

[chaosdrifter]

I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks for the mandatory accompanying therapy for my mastectomy. The therapist is quite trustworthy, doesn't ask inappropriate questions,..., I don't have to pretend to be binary trans (I would say the agender label suits me best).
I have a long history of mental illness (mainly borderline personality disorder) and suicide attempts. He made it clear from the start that with those previous diagnoses (especially borderline) it would be difficult to get the operation covered by the health insurance company, as it is often argued that this can also be a form of self-harming behavior/self-mutilation.
I feel totally discouraged now. I have the feeling that I have to completely censor myself when it comes to my biography and my symptoms and at the same time I have a feeling of "then I can just stop the therapy" even though at the same time I want to try to cover the costs because paying myself would really be a big challenge/burden and I would also like validation/recognition from the health insurance somehow.
I'm also extremly scared, that, getting the surgery would put too much pressure on me to stay alive then (i feel like it's not worth it to spend so much money on me, when i'm suicidal anyways.
Has anyone here with dissociative symptoms/borderline diagnosis/self-harming behavior received a permit from their health insurance?

 

[Stripe19]

Out of curiosity, and a ask of help, is there anyone around here who's dealing with weight-related dysphoria? Like, aside from things like hair, i think a major problem i (a MtF trans girl) have is that im fat specifically in a masc way. I don't even really mind THAT much about being a little chubbier, its more that the kind of clothes a cis woman my weight would wear, looks hilariously disproportional to what it was designed for. Not yet on HRT but soon, hopefully, am going to be and i don't know but will that help much with this or am i going to have to just try to lose all this weight just to pass?

 

[unfortunate.apple]

I thought thzt i was trans and dug myself into a biiiig hole.

i haven't "transitioned" as much as surgery but, even just the social aspect, amd my name and stuff.
my family and what not

I feel like I made a mistake- however I'm not taking away from, the real trans people, I just thought I'd tell you my take since you asked.

New to this forum, hi.

 

[Linda]

I thought thzt i was trans and dug myself into a biiiig hole.

i haven't "transitioned" as much as surgery but, even just the social aspect, amd my name and stuff.
my family and what not

I feel like I made a mistake- however I'm not taking away from, the real trans people, I just thought I'd tell you my take since you asked.

New to this forum, hi.

Transitioning is not something that anyone should rush into. It's a major commitment. But you can always de-transition, and if you haven't had surgery it shouldn't be too difficult.
However, you have little to lose by remaining in your new gender for a reasonable period of time (e.g. a year), to see how it goes. I guess de-transitioning isn't something anyone should rush into either. Take your time, so that eventually you can be sure of finishing up in the right place.