Totally at PEACE while going?

[raybd]

Are there any - or many - on here who are totally at peace with going?
I am, actually, and I do not share many of the frustrations people share on this site.
Excepting the transient frustration of a spasm delaying my preferred time one week ago (now looks like it will be a time next week).
My reason is purely health - untreatable illness. And rare, so I don't qualify for any assisted dying programs in the US.
I see it this way: had I been born 30 years earlier, I would've lasted 1-2 years. 30 years later, they'd have cured me entirely.
Going down the middle, I got like 10 years or such from diagnosis. I just see it as a matter of fact and history.
In the years I got, I did get many things professionally and socially done. Moved abroad from the US for extended periods twice. Like traveling in India for some time now. Did a few things differently in the spirit of carpe diem, given my diagnosis. But not too much changed.
Now, finally the Grim Reaper seems here. Had two close dodges 3 and 5 years ago.
Excepting the natural concern of not making a mistake while going and being left more impaired, I am quite at peace.
So, usually, I note the dissimilarity with many posters here.
Just wondering if anyone here has a similar take or experience with the whole.

 

[soul2realm]

I too have a similar disposition. My first attempt failed however but hopefully the next one does the job.Nice to meet you fellow passenger. Take care

 

[martyrdom]

Are there any - or many - on here who are totally at peace with going?
I am, actually, and I do not share many of the frustrations people share on this site.

Yes, I am. Most people here I can't relate to, for a multitude of reasons, but especially all the talk about "survival instinct" which is more of a concern physically rather than mentally.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I have found it depends what mood I'm in, as to what degree of peace I feel about it.

But I am not troubled by the thought of myself (or anyone else) expediting death. The fact that it's inevitable anyway and lots of horrible things can befall any of us at any time (if they haven't already). So, philosophically/morally/ethically I am completely at peace with the idea that we must die and so why does it matter if any of us go early? And if we can control the manner and timing and circumstances, even better.

I think it's more this confusing bewildering life and what it all means in the grand scheme of things, that troubles me. And of course, as you say the possibility of a failed attempt too. There are many days when I feel totally calm and accepting of dying. But not everyday. I'm not sure I would put myself in the category of "total peace" quite yet. I guess I'm trying to get there mentally. Or achieve a more consistent mood/mindset where doubts don't infiltrate my mind.

 

[raybd]

In my case, the assured calm is actually a calm of reason.
I am an ex-academic (though I was more the research kind than an instructor). I worked a lot in human cognition and the history of science relevant to it. So when my health collapsed, I could see further down the road much more clearly, than could the clinicians treating me, even though some were among the biggest names in their fields.
Given human civilization is underpinned by too much stochasticity, I just saw no point in worrying about a weird health problem and switched instantly to managing it for as long as I could go.

 

[quietbird]

I ha

In my case, the assured calm is actually a calm of reason.
I am an ex-academic (though I was more the research kind than an instructor). I worked a lot in human cognition and the history of science relevant to it. So when my health collapsed, I could see further down the road much more clearly, than could the clinicians treating me, even though some were among the biggest names in their fields.
Given human civilization is underpinned by too much stochasticity, I just saw no point in worrying about a weird health problem and switched instantly to managing it for as long as I could go.

Pst, you are fascinating for using the word stochasticity.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, for me ceasing to exist is the only peace from this existence so dreadful, cruel and torturous that just causes all this terrible unnecessary suffering with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, to me existence is a mistake and no matter what I'll always prefer the true peace of non-existence over being tortured in this existence for decades longer just to face the agony of old age and the fact that a human can suffer for decades longer is agonising and horrific to me.

I find it torture every second to be conscious, to me existence is so evil, all it does is cause endless amounts of torture and agony with existing beings tortured every second, all I could ever hope for is to be gone but really I wish to erase this existence, I want it to be like I was never burdened with this existence at all.

I'll always see the existence of life as the most terrible, devastating tragedy and the fact that humans impose this existence onto others causing all this harm and suffering is so terrible to me, for me ceasing to exist would be suffering prevention, it'd be the positive solution for me to finally find peace from the evil, suffering and torture of existing, non-existence solves everything for me

 

[raybd]

Yes, for me ceasing to exist is the only peace from this existence so dreadful, cruel and torturous that just causes all this terrible unnecessary suffering with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, to me existence is a mistake and no matter what I'll always prefer the true peace of non-existence over being tortured in this existence for decades longer just to face the agony of old age and the fact that a human can suffer for decades longer is agonising and horrific to me.

I find it torture every second to be conscious, to me existence is so evil, all it does is cause endless amounts of torture and agony with existing beings tortured every second, all I could ever hope for is to be gone but really I wish to erase this existence, I want it to be like I was never burdened with this existence at all.

I'll always see the existence of life as the most terrible, devastating tragedy and the fact that humans impose this existence onto others causing all this harm and suffering is so terrible to me, for me ceasing to exist would be suffering prevention, it'd be the positive solution for me to finally find peace from the evil, suffering and torture of existing, non-existence solves everything for me

46,827 posts on here huh? Don't think I have had 46000 things to say in my whole life, let alone on here...

 

[Captive_Mind515]

46,827 posts on here huh? Don't think I have had 46000 things to say in my whole life, let alone on here...

Both of you are old timers around here. :)

Maybe FC feels peace about the thought of being dead, but not so much about the dying part. Some people are sadly completely trapped by fear, and this is why society needs allow assisted suicide for anyone who has a strong aversion to this life. (not just terminal illness etc) There will always be people who cannot get out without this sort of help.

 

[raybd]

Both of you are old timers around here. :)

Yup, been on the site 6 years now. But not all the time. I explained on my SN thread and the thread 2 days ago with the 2 AI people. Thought I was a goner 5-6 years ago. Got a SN kit ready. Found it difficult to get a He tank set up. But, somehow I survived. Went off this site. About 3 years ago again with health and other deterioration.. seemed time to go. Got back on this site to cross check the prevailing wisdom on SN. Again I survived. And so, went off site. But now, last 1 month or so, looks like time's finally come. So....
In the time gaps, I kept replenishing my kit.. SN, fresh pills etc. Always had it ready. Just waited for things to come to a head.
Ironically, no energy, interest to get fresh SN, pills this time. Valium is like expired 2 years. But, there should be enough potency left in it. Old SN too. Only metos are new.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm more in anguish that I can't go yet because I want to wait for my Dad to go first. I truly have no idea how I'll feel when the time comes. I think I'm kidding myself to believe I'll be entirely calm though. I imagine simply the uncertainty around making a successful attempt will make me nervous.

May I ask? Have you attempted before? Do you not feel like natural survival instinct will kick in to make you feel nervous?

I tend to think passive ideation is one thing but actually being about to begin a process which might fail, might be painful, might go on longer than we would hope for, is something quite different. Unless of course you feel extremely confident in your method.

Death itself though- I have mixed feelings/ hopes about. I think I am ok if it truly is the end of things. But then, I'm not entirely confident about that either. So- I don't feel like it's possible to be entirely at peace with something that has so many unknown elements- for me anyway.

As for being done with life though. Sure. I think I've experienced enough. No major regrets lingering. My death felt like a familiar friend from very early on though. Lots of close family deaths then, developing ideation aged 10- it's long looked like a release than something to flee from.

 

[Forveleth]

When I made my first attempt, I calmly closed my eyes and thought "Here we go." I was completely ready for peace.

 

[raybd]

Maybe FC feels peace about the thought of being dead, but not so much about the dying part. Some people are sadly completely trapped by fear, and this is why society needs allow assisted suicide for anyone who has a strong aversion to this life. (not just terminal illness etc) There will always be people who cannot get out without this sort of help.

Could be true about FC...

You know Bertrand Russell was kind of like that. Life-long suicide ideation. Only he wrote about it and some other things, got a Nobel and lived to be 97.

If you in the US - just can't press the button - you got an option.... good ol' suicide-by-cop. Go rile up a cop sufficiently... he'll sure send you to the promised land.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Yup, been on the site 6 years now. But not all the time. I explained on my SN thread and the thread 2 days ago with the 2 AI people. Thought I was a goner 5-6 years ago. Got a SN kit ready. Found it difficult to get a He tank set up. But, somehow I survived. Went off this site. About 3 years ago again with health and other deterioration.. seemed time to go. Got back on this site to cross check the prevailing wisdom on SN. Again I survived. And so, went off site. But now, last 1 month or so, looks like time's finally come. So....
In the time gaps, I kept replenishing my kit.. SN, fresh pills etc. Always had it ready. Just waited for things to come to a head.
Ironically, no energy, interest to get fresh SN, pills this time. Valium is like expired 2 years. But, there should be enough potency left in it. Old SN too. Only metos are new.

Sorry, sounds like it's been a rough few years... hopefully things go smoothly at the end for you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Both of you are old timers around here. :)

Maybe FC feels peace about the thought of being dead, but not so much about the dying part. Some people are sadly completely trapped by fear, and this is why society needs allow assisted suicide for anyone who has a strong aversion to this life. (not just terminal illness etc) There will always be people who cannot get out without this sort of help.

It's also just obtaining a method. Depending on the country we are from and our living arrangements- obtaining methods sometimes almost guarantees a welfair check. Those living with relatives probably have a much harder time of getting the money to buy things, buying and receiving them unobserved- not to mention where they will make the attempt.

It's not to say it's impossible if a person is determined enough but, all these things make it more difficult. All for a method that may not work anyway! I don't think it's a simple thing. Not saying you are claiming it is but some pro-lifers seem to.

 

[raybd]

May I ask? Have you attempted before? Do you not feel like natural survival instinct will kick in to make you feel nervous?

I said a bit about my 2 previous trysts with this site and joining the queue at the big Greyhound station earlier post. But, no. I didn't actually press the button because I started recovering a few days before the window I gave myself each time had expired. For me, it is all just based on health and professional and such stuff linked. Severely ill but rare enough to not make the assisted living certification in the states that permit it. So...

Severely ill but rare enough to not make the assisted living certification in the states that permit it. So...

Assisted Dying... I mean d'oh!
I seem as smart as Homer Simpson these days.

 

[raybd]

It's not to say it's impossible if a person is determined enough but, all these things make it more difficult. All for a method that may not work anyway! I don't think it's a simple thing. Not saying you are claiming it is but some pro-lifers seem to.

Personal circumstances can make an exit tough to organize. Actually, I have been pro euthanasia and death with dignity, from the first time I heard of Kevorkian or likely even before. And surely before I myself fell ill. There was Derek Humphry a Brit who was based in Oregon. And then, there was the Bag Lady from California who sold exit bags. I was somehow on her mailing list. And suddenly like 14-15 years ago, some US Attorney's office was calling me and writing to me asking if she did me any harm. Was weird. Didn't have nothing directly to do with the Bag Lady. Was just vocal about death with dignity like I was for so many social causes at that time.
A time later, when I knew I had a death sentence only it was suspended a while, I got right on the PPEH and stuff and gamed everything out. You could get "sleep pills" from the Canary Islands the first time I was circling the drain. SN wasn't popular. I knew I could deteriorate but had enough in the tank for some years at that point. So, when I moved, I chucked those pills away. Then, when things really started to go south, SN was becoming known... I got on here... (at that time SN wasn't promoted in the PPEH). The PPEH only started pushing SN later.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

It's also just obtaining a method. Depending on the country we are from and our living arrangements- obtaining methods sometimes almost guarantees a welfair check. Those living with relatives probably have a much harder time of getting the money to buy things, buying and receiving them unobserved- not to mention where they will make the attempt.

It's not to say it's impossible if a person is determined enough but, all these things make it more difficult. All for a method that may not work anyway! I don't think it's a simple thing. Not saying you are claiming it is but some pro-lifers seem to.

It is complicated for many people I agree.

I seen an old post where they said they were considering hanging as a method, so I assumed they might at least have something like that. But I guess it's possible that some people really have access to nothing even a rope.

I do think there must also be a subset of people, who are suffering from an unusually high level of SI compared to even the average person. So much so, as to make them completely paralysed with fear and unable to do anything.

 

[raybd]

an unusually high level of SI compared to even the average person. So much so, as to make them completely paralysed with fear and unable to do anything.

You are on to something with "Level of SI" not being uniform. SI is part of the "Nature-versus-Nurture" spectrum of traits or behaviors.
A good bit of SI is hard-wired.
A good bit of SI is also affected by nurture.
Here in India, where I am now, I am surrounded obviously by Hindus. A key difference the Hindu faith has with the Judeo-Christian faiths back in the US, is of course, they have reincarnation instead of an eternal heaven and hell.
Suppose you were a devout Hindu. You would naturally believe in countless births as you finally rise up to and achieve bliss.
If you reached a point in your life when going was the only way left, a Hindu's SI, could be affected by the nurture effect. You might view your life - this birth - as one of a series of births and so might think the current birth was just a failed birth and you might hope that the next birth at least might be a favorable and happy one. Such a thought of relief, could conceivably dilute your SI. Or your culture, the one you were raised in, put "Quality of Life" including duty, above merely being alive. You might be readier to go than drag along in life.
So, yes, both from nature and nurture, SI varies.