Venting torturing myself by keep living

[aforestfire]

i see death as the way out, the absence of everything, the good and especially the bad. i constantly fantasize about the moment before everything shuts down, the feeling of peace when your body stop trying (i have drowning as chosen method).
basically: peace, which is something i don't think i deserve. i can't elaborate why, but i deserve to be here, alone and agonizing in psychological pain; every day i find a way to destroy myself more, but never enough to get the job done.

i wanna die, i'm so tired, but i can't allow myself to let go, and i can't allow myself to recover either. people did a great job in convincing me that i don't deserve anything good lol; i don't deserve to have friends, a partner, to be safe, and i don't deserve death 'cause that means that the pain would stop.

i'll make a effort to change my mindset, i know i can't keep doing this for a another single year.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful being trapped in a situation where you feel so tortured but I hope that you find what you wish for.

 

[purplehearted]

i understand how you feel. i've romanticised death so much as a cure to my pain, and the fantasies are so addicting and vivid, i can spend all day just daydreaming about it. i'm sorry you feel this way. I hope you find answers

 

[Wannagonow]

So sorry you've got all those thoughts and emotions going thru your head. I understand about being tired but not quite ready to go. I hope the coming year brings you some peace.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Everyone deserves peace or a shot at recovery bb I'm sorry you feel you don't

 

[theboy]

me 2