Story Torn between methods

[Dreamcollege]

I've tried to commit suicide so many times and so many ways. I've never been caught, and as time has gone on and I've realized that nobody can help me, I really do not want to get caught and thrown in some asylum where nothing gets better

I started with hanging, but had problems with survival instinct. I then moved on to yew poisoning. I first tried eating 300 seeds but it didn't really have an effect. For those who don't know, yew is supposedly a cardiotoxic poison that stops your heart. After the seeds didn't work, I tried making a tea from yew leaves I plucked from yew plants. But the tea was really disgustingly bitter and I had made a huge mug full, and I could hardly get down a sip, let alone a huge mug worth. I have moved on to sodium nitrite, which I thought would be better because you only need to drink 50-100mL of diluted solution, which is one or two gulps at most. But I've sat there many nights with the drink in my hand and just worried about the side effect of turning blue (cyanosis), which disturbs me. I still have a lot of sodium nitrite left, but now I've come back to hanging. Still having trouble with survival instinct.

I just want this to be over with already, I'm tired of life

 

[Dreamcollege]

I can hold my breath for over a minute but when I'm pressing against a noose it seems I can only hold it for a few seconds, I don't understand

 

[Dreamcollege]

Also I once fell asleep while holding the sodium nitrite solution, and spilled it all over my body. I awoke to find my shirt and bed soaked but I just took off my shirt and went back to sleep. I didn't notice any side effects or skin discoloration the next morning at all. The solution must be drunk to experience side effects