author
they/them
- Jul 13, 2021
- 84
It's taking all of my energy just to drag myself through each day; to eat and drink water, sometimes shower, and then dissociate into my screen like it's a wall for hours is all I can manage most days. Sometimes I'm not even really DOING anything, just staring at the screen or going on a different screen (my phone) just to avoid the first one. My room is a mess. I'm a mess. I can't even get a job. Games take too much energy. I like to make things but I hate everything I make because it's not good enough so I've basically stopped. I don't even know why I'm doing anything anymore. What the fuck is the point of breathing if I'm literally doing nothing BUT that? Yet I can't find the energy to die either. I don't exactly WANT to die. I just want this to stop.
I want things to change, to get better - and I know that they can, I've seen people around me get better and move forward in life. The problem is that this shit is a downward spiral for me. Change takes so much work, and I only have the energy to make sure I'm alive by the end of the day - barely any room for anything else. I'm so depressed that it's literally making my physical disability worse to the point where sitting up is fucking taxing sometimes. SITTING UP. How am I supposed to do anything? How can I be expected to do anything? How can I do anything?
I'm so, so tired. I want help so badly, but the only people physically here are my shitty family - and they just treat everything like it's my fault that I'm hurting, my fault that I'm a mess, my fault that I can't get hired no matter where I apply, my fault that I'm a useless disgusting fucking no-life who nobody can expect anything of. I don't want it to be my fault. What do I even do if it's my fault? I don't have the ability to change it without help. I wish I could. I've tried so hard to do it by myself that I've run myself into the ground. I keep thinking about getting therapy again but I'm pretty sure a lot of my problems could be solved if I just had a fucking livable income each month and a place to live away from my family so there's not much of a point in wasting the little money I do have. I tried to go on disability but surprise surprise, I'm apparently not disabled enough despite barely being able to walk.
Realistically I know things can get better, I just don't know how it could possibly get better for me specifically. I feel like I was doomed from the start; shitty parents who never taught me anything, disability, agoraphobia, nobody to help me, etc. All I want is for someone I love to pick me up and take me away from this place like some stupid fairytale, and take care of me for a while, and maybe then I can get better and live on my own - but that's not going to happen. Nobody is that generous. My family taught me that well. Even if I have people who love me, they have to worry about themselves first - they don't have the means to help me.
I just feel so screwed.
I want things to change, to get better - and I know that they can, I've seen people around me get better and move forward in life. The problem is that this shit is a downward spiral for me. Change takes so much work, and I only have the energy to make sure I'm alive by the end of the day - barely any room for anything else. I'm so depressed that it's literally making my physical disability worse to the point where sitting up is fucking taxing sometimes. SITTING UP. How am I supposed to do anything? How can I be expected to do anything? How can I do anything?
I'm so, so tired. I want help so badly, but the only people physically here are my shitty family - and they just treat everything like it's my fault that I'm hurting, my fault that I'm a mess, my fault that I can't get hired no matter where I apply, my fault that I'm a useless disgusting fucking no-life who nobody can expect anything of. I don't want it to be my fault. What do I even do if it's my fault? I don't have the ability to change it without help. I wish I could. I've tried so hard to do it by myself that I've run myself into the ground. I keep thinking about getting therapy again but I'm pretty sure a lot of my problems could be solved if I just had a fucking livable income each month and a place to live away from my family so there's not much of a point in wasting the little money I do have. I tried to go on disability but surprise surprise, I'm apparently not disabled enough despite barely being able to walk.
Realistically I know things can get better, I just don't know how it could possibly get better for me specifically. I feel like I was doomed from the start; shitty parents who never taught me anything, disability, agoraphobia, nobody to help me, etc. All I want is for someone I love to pick me up and take me away from this place like some stupid fairytale, and take care of me for a while, and maybe then I can get better and live on my own - but that's not going to happen. Nobody is that generous. My family taught me that well. Even if I have people who love me, they have to worry about themselves first - they don't have the means to help me.
I just feel so screwed.
